Non Autistic Partner Here! Best Ways To Communicate?

Hello, I am a non autistic woman in a relationship with an autistic guy, we're in our early 20s, I graduated college last year and he's just finishing up his final year now.

We've been dating for about three and a half years, living together for 1 and pretty much everything has been really smooth sailing as far as I can see only recently we've been at loggerheads a lot more because I've been unemployed since graduation and really struggling monetarily, and he's also very stressed because of course he has to hand in his dissertation soon while also working on his final project. I feel like both our stress has been manifesting in us being very snappy at eachother which is not our usual MO

We had a big fight this evening, I was crying over money woes and he just got up nonchalantly and when I asked where he was going he was just like "I've got *** to do" and of course this really really upset me. I suffer quite badly from depression (as does he) and anxiety so I had something of a screaming mental breakdown. When I collected myself I went downstairs and confronted him as to why he'd leave me alone when I was clearly in such a state, his reasoning was he just couldn't leave the dishes unwashed any longer, and he wanted to eat the leftovers of dinner that I'd cooked because they were "made with love". In the moment I was completely baffled he saw my feelings over dinner I cooked earlier as more important than the large breakdown I was having at that moment, I got very upset, but we talked it out and he says that if there are other things on his mind he just HAS to deal with them first otherwise he doesn't feel "safe". Also that when I'm in a state like that he finds excuses to get out of the situation rather than just directly saying that it's overwhelming him which I'd much rather wish he did. It took a lot for me to get that out of him and when he does this it comes across as indifference or sometimes even irritation at my feelings. I'm a very sensitive person to tone of voice and facial expression so it effects me really badly.

Sorry if this is too nebulous a question but what's the best way we can communicate over these issues, how can I tell him to let me know he has other things on his mind that are making him panic without him coming across like he doesn't care about me. Also I sometimes worry that when he is struggling with depressive thoughts he doesn't come to me or anyone even, or doesn't know how to word them, but of course I don't want to badger him if maybe there isn't actually anything wrong in the moment! I do my absolute darndest to communicate but obviously that's not gonna do much if I'm not speaking in a way he understands so I need some help now that things are a bit more stressful for both of us. Anyone been through anything similar, any advice from autistic adults on how you communicate with your partners? Sorry if this is a bit rambly and if I've said anything insensitive please let me know

Thanks loads~

Parents
  • Hi NAS 37486, all I can say is by reading how you describe what is happening it shows you really do understand his mind and how it effects him, a lot of what you wrote strikes a chord with me in that I struggle like your partner with many of the things he does, I do not have any answers for you on communicating, all I can say is try to accept what he does isn’t in anyway against you, we are “HARD” wired and rarely se3 what we do as being inconsiderate or not caring, it is as if we just do, maybe it is just us being us, the big difference which puts us apart from someone who is dismissive or appears not to care is we very much do care, we internalise most of it, it hurts, but for me it is the only way I can deal with it. 

    I wish you both well,you are very understanding and although you need to feel able to understand him more you do already, itis accepting it may never change and asking yourself is it enough for you.

    take care.

    x()x

Reply
  • Hi NAS 37486, all I can say is by reading how you describe what is happening it shows you really do understand his mind and how it effects him, a lot of what you wrote strikes a chord with me in that I struggle like your partner with many of the things he does, I do not have any answers for you on communicating, all I can say is try to accept what he does isn’t in anyway against you, we are “HARD” wired and rarely se3 what we do as being inconsiderate or not caring, it is as if we just do, maybe it is just us being us, the big difference which puts us apart from someone who is dismissive or appears not to care is we very much do care, we internalise most of it, it hurts, but for me it is the only way I can deal with it. 

    I wish you both well,you are very understanding and although you need to feel able to understand him more you do already, itis accepting it may never change and asking yourself is it enough for you.

    take care.

    x()x

Children
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