This sums up my kind of love Former Member
My love is not kind and gentle like your love. It’s not fair and gives nothing, other than itself. It fierce and unrelenting and it leads me, I don’t lead it.
I don’t know about transcendent love, other than what I learned from you today, but this sums up my love.
Out of curiosity ~ I’ll put it on here because the other thread is pretty long ~ but do people of the conditional love variety, ever wonder about my love. For example, do you see it as something worse, or better (your terms) or is it just a different kind of love to yours, no better, no worse, just different. I suppose I’m asking, do you deny the existence of my world like I do poverty etc? I haven’t got any qualms with your love, now that I understand it, as much as I ever will, I just wonder what you think of my love?
I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with it (your idea of love), I don't think that's for me (or anyone) to judge. It's just different from mine. I don't deny the existence of anything for other people, whatever a person believes is 'real' and exists for them. It just doesn't necessarily exist for me.
Some people believe in ghosts, some believe in god(s), some believe in evil, some believe in all sorts of things that i can't even begin to comprehend and for those people these things are 'real' and exist. For me they just don't exist. I don't spend much time thinking about things that don't exist. Obviously I CAN, if I want to, in a hypothetical way, I just don't choose to very often.
Well I saw a ghost once, having never believed in them, and that was pretty cool! Lol! I don’t believe in evil or different gods but I do understand that people have gods such as money, which I think of as a false god but I understand that’s my perception and it’s very real and far from false to them, and I’m quite sure many people wouldn’t be doing the jobs they were doing etc if money wasn’t their god, so yeah, I can see it’s very real to a lot of people. Just one question, the people who practice conditional love, how the hell do you all figure out who to love and who not to love because you all seem to know the rules? And when did you/do you actually get taught the rules? How could I have missed them?
When did I (because I can only speak for myself on this) get taught the rules of love? PHEW!
BlueRay you do ask some difficult questions!
Maybe it was a process of elimination, every time I got burnt I decided "Well, Hell! THAT'S not a good feeling so THAT clearly isn't the 'Love' I keep hearing about!
I don’t know how not to love somebody. What I want to know is how do you un-love somebody? And how do you know who to un-love and when? And what has love got to do with feelings? And yes, I’ve been told that all my life, that I ask difficult questions. Lol! Everywhere I go infact, even in the supermarket not long ago, the guy said to me ‘nobody has ever asked me that question before’ ~ I get this ‘all’ the time! Lol! Which further supports my (and yours, everyone’s) assumption, that I know nothing and I know so little that people can’t even begin to answer my questions, like I don’t even know enough to even begin to understand the answers so people don’t even bother telling me, they don’t want to waste their time when they know I won’t understand anyway. By the time I had reached the end of my school I resigned myself to the fact that I knew nothing. At probably my last meeting at school with my parents, the school actually wanted to send me to a psychiatrist, I thought they were going to lock me up in the hospital like they did my aunty, because they said I did what I wanted. I was terrified because they wouldn’t tell me who I should follow, who I should listen to to find out what to do and when do I get the instructions. It was terrifying, they wouldn’t tell me anything. Less than two years after that, I was locked up, but it wasn’t in a hospital, it was in a prison. I was so lost in the world. I knew I wasn’t supposed to do what I wanted but nobody else would tell me what to do. They might tell me things what not to do but that was hardly the big picture, they only told me a few things, so I was really lost. I still know that I don’t know anything, not in your world anyway, but I decided that I would do what I wanted anyway, even though I know it’s wrong, but I figured that it’s only wrong if I live in your world and I don’t, nobody seems to be able to help me with that, my questions are too hard etc, so I just live in my world where wrong doesn’t even exist, and I can love everyone! So I know I’m wrong in your world but in my world I’m far from wrong, we don’t even know what that is. People in your world tell me I’m wrong, I’m deluded, I’m mad, I’m stupid, I don’t know anything, I haven’t got a heart. Some of these things I can agree with, I don’t know anything for example, that’s true but I have got a heart, I don’t know why people say that to me. Again, all my life they’ve said that to me. My dad and brother even said I was going to be found dead on a motel room floor, brutally murdered, because of how I speak to people and that I’ll never have any friends (I didn’t know what a f*****g friend was to be fair, but it seemed important so I was still upset that I’d never have one, which obviously is stupid, so maybe I am stupid). I sometimes feel like I’m going mad and maybe I am mad and deluded and it’s not real but my world feels real to me and when I’m with the trees and grass and rain and snow and definitely the cold and the wind, my world totally feels real and it’s so beautiful, I don’t need to know anything, I’ve even got my grandkids talking to the trees now, lol! So maybe I am all of the things people say about me. Tom said I was deluded, lots of people do. Maybe I am all the things people say I am, even the thing about not having a heart because it’s true, I can’t say I love somebody more than somebody else just because they do something for me so maybe I haven’t got a heart and maybe what I have to give is of no value to anybody else but people do come to me and ask me to help them and I do and it seems to make me look normal and people leave me alone so maybe my life is nothing and I live in a stupid deluded world. I have said I’m like the village idiot and back in the day no doubts that’s what I would have been and people say no, you’re not the village idiot (again I’m wrong, when that’s how I do see myself) but again we’re at odds, I don’t see anything wrong with the village idiot, he was accepted then, he was one of them, just different, without all the extra things like no heart etc, so it would be a step up for me. But when I’m alone, I don’t feel like my world isn’t real and I feel so happy in a way that other people say doesn’t exist but it exists to me and the alternative, trying to ignore my world, my love and to try to fit in with everyone else just sends me to suicide. I fantasise about how wonderful it would feel to have a car hit my body full on and smash it up, the impact would feel so good, it’s like I want the image to go in slow motion so I don’t miss any of it and then, I go back home, back to the nothingness and everythingness from where I came, no longer with this silly separation where I have to pretend to be these different people/roles, I just melt back into oblivion, I lose all this so called identity and dissolve back into one, without this body, which I’m grateful for, but I think they dropped me in the wrong world to be honest, because everyone keeps on telling me so, they say I’m wrong. So maybe I am but what can I do? I tried, I asked questions, and now I don’t even want to try, I don’t want to leave my world ever again, so I live in your world as me, and just accept, I know nothing, I am nobody, I don’t know the rules of the game but if I can keep my mouth shut and keep away from people, I won’t p***s them off and I don’t have to stay away from all people, I don’t seem to upset people at Buddhist centres, meditation centre and ashrams (although you can fortunately, be totally silent at these places and sometimes everybody is) and churches, although I do usually upset people at churches too, that’s why Quaker’s is good for me but even there I started answering people back (one man anyway) in the silent hour when you’re only supposed to speak if your moved by god! Lol! So I haven’t been to Quaker’s for a while either although me and the man did become good friends. So I do have friends and they never end (apart from those who simply disappear out of my life without word) they just don’t look like the normal types of friendships where people phone each other up and see each other a lot and stuff like that, and they don’t think I’m stupid or delusional, they just say ‘oh, that’s just BlueRay’ and they don’t try to make me do things differently.