Daydreaming and not knowing when reality or not

Hi NAS35611

I'm trying to work out whether the feeling your daughter is trying to express is daydreaming, deja vu, hallucinating or a feeling that nothing is real.  I would say that these are all different things.  Your description struck a chord with me when you said  that she doesn't know if something is real or not.  I think I started noticing a feeling early on in secondary school which I found difficult to describe but I tried to describe as feeling like everything is not real.  It was quite disorientating and I found generally that my schoolmates didn't really know what I meant (with the exception of one other person).  I think I can see what she means about walking out of the classroom and then not knowing if it's real.

For me the feeling that everything is not real was quite sudden.  I could be standing talking to someone and suddenly feel that the whole situation was not real and I couldn't really register what the person was saying to me any more.  I would be looking at a person and thinking 'but you are not real anyway and I am not real'.  The feeling would pass within a minute or two.  I continued having these feelings and to this day I can still have them though much less frequently (I am now in my early 40s).  I would say their frequency was the most during my time at secondary school.

Unfortunately I was never diagnosed with anything at school (at that time there was little scope for identifying someone like me as autistic) and so stopped mentioning them to anyone as no one else seemed particularly bothered about the whole thing (other than my friend who also had them, but really we'd just say "ooh I'm having one now' to each other and then wait for it to pass).  So I probably got through the whole thing by at least having one other person who seemed to understand what I meant and being able to just let it pass whilst they chatted to people around me trying to draw attention away from me (and vice versa).

More recently I have thought about the feelings and I think I would describe it as a feeling of disorientation and detachment.  Kind of detaching myself from reality for a moment but not really knowing where the detached bit of myself had gone.  I have a friend who is a psychologist who often talks about disorientation, detachment and the need to control.  They seem to think that these things manifest in a lot of people but perhaps in slightly different ways.  From my perspective I think it was the way that my brain was trying to work out how to cope with the world.  I do wonder if I had them more during the secondary school period as that it when you go through some quite significant changes, i.e. puberty and various changes in how you have social relationships.

I don't know if that helps or not.  It may not be the same thing for your daughter and I wouldn't like to put words into her mouth about what her feelings are.   Unfortunately 30 years ago there was a bit of a 'like it or lump it' attitude.  So there was no support at all to provide any possible coping strategies.  As I don't have children I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the support structure at school these days.  Is there someone who specialises in autism linked to the school that you could talk to about possible coping strategies?  It's interesting that she's attached these feelings to leaving the classroom.  Is that the only time she experiences them or is that just the times that she has been able to express to you?  In which case a coping strategy could be used specific to having to leave classrooms/gatherings of people. 

Hi NAS35611

I'm trying to work out whether the feeling your daughter is trying to express is daydreaming, deja vu, hallucinating or a feeling that nothing is real.  I would say that these are all different things.  Your description struck a chord with me when you said  that she doesn't know if something is real or not.  I think I started noticing a feeling early on in secondary school which I found difficult to describe but I tried to describe as feeling like everything is not real.  It was quite disorientating and I found generally that my schoolmates didn't really know what I meant (with the exception of one other person).  I think I can see what she means about walking out of the classroom and then not knowing if it's real.

For me the feeling that everything is not real was quite sudden.  I could be standing talking to someone and suddenly feel that the whole situation was not real and I couldn't really register what the person was saying to me any more.  I would be looking at a person and thinking 'but you are not real anyway and I am not real'.  The feeling would pass within a minute or two.  I continued having these feelings and to this day I can still have them though much less frequently (I am now in my early 40s).  I would say their frequency was the most during my time at secondary school.

Unfortunately I was never diagnosed with anything at school (at that time there was little scope for identifying someone like me as autistic) and so stopped mentioning them to anyone as no one else seemed particularly bothered about the whole thing (other than my friend who also had them, but really we'd just say "ooh I'm having one now' to each other and then wait for it to pass).  So I probably got through the whole thing by at least having one other person who seemed to understand what I meant and being able to just let it pass whilst they chatted to people around me trying to draw attention away from me (and vice versa).

More recently I have thought about the feelings and I think I would describe it as a feeling of disorientation and detachment.  Kind of detaching myself from reality for a moment but not really knowing where the detached bit of myself had gone.  I have a friend who is a psychologist who often talks about disorientation, detachment and the need to control.  They seem to think that these things manifest in a lot of people but perhaps in slightly different ways.  From my perspective I think it was the way that my brain was trying to work out how to cope with the world.  I do wonder if I had them more during the secondary school period as that it when you go through some quite significant changes, i.e. puberty and various changes in how you have social relationships.

I don't know if that helps or not.  It may not be the same thing for your daughter and I wouldn't like to put words into her mouth about what her feelings are.   Unfortunately 30 years ago there was a bit of a 'like it or lump it' attitude.  So there was no support at all to provide any possible coping strategies.  As I don't have children I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the support structure at school these days.  Is there someone who specialises in autism linked to the school that you could talk to about possible coping strategies?  It's interesting that she's attached these feelings to leaving the classroom.  Is that the only time she experiences them or is that just the times that she has been able to express to you?  In which case a coping strategy could be used specific to having to leave classrooms/gatherings of people. 

Thanks Katfish, that definitely helps and I so appreciate people taking the time to try and shed some light on this for me.  Daydreaming has always been a very big thing for my daughter.  She kind of wears it as a badge of honour and if she's missed something in class or not paid attention to someone at home, it's always 'oh I was daydreaming'.  I think it's her security blanket.  This and her scooter - first thing she does when she gets home is scoots up and down in front of the house, rain or shine, de-stressing.  I watch her sometimes and a good portion of the time she's staring off into space, daydreaming (usually about computer games apparently!)

The school we choose had a good reputation for support with SEN and pastoral care (actually the biggest selling point for my daughter was that it has no bells between classes - she has sensitive hearing so finds sudden loud noises very stressful.  I remember at primary, they moved tables every half term and she became very agitated after one particular move.  We finally discovered it was because they'd moved her below the fire alarm and she couldn't relax for thinking it was going to go off!)

I have emailed the school and they spoke to my daugher briefly today (sounds like to verify what I had said to them) and are now going to refer to the the guidance manager so hopefully they can provide some additional support/suggestions.  I think leaving the classroom is the only time she is experiencing this sensation of not knowing if reality or not so hopefully they can do as you suggest and come up with some strategy.

Thank you so much for replying - I feel like I am now better equipped to talk with school, especially if they are not familiar with this particular aspect.