Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm so tired of the fact I can't do anything without increased anxiety. People say to just 'do' rather than think about doing stuff. But every time I do anything I become anxious about the potential consequence of the thing I've done, even if the thing I've done is 'normal' or 'harmless.' It's hard to explain. But anything I want to do, am interested in, if I involve myself with it, like say, start working on a project each time I involve myself in the project I become anxious about the consequences of the project. More so for projects that have an external influence on the world in whatever small, tiny way that may be, in whatever small patch of the world that may be. For example, my latest project is wanting to make a small pond using a container. (I don't have my own garden to make a proper one). I made a start on it today, after lots of meaning to do it and then not doing it. I put all the stones at the bottom and poured some water in. I have some pond plants I plan on putting in there, and it still needs more water. I came back in my flat afterwards and now I'm just anxious about it. I'm anxious about attracting rats, I'm anxious about a neighbour who moves stuff in the garden because he doesn't like anyone. I'm always having these anxious thoughts about stuff after I've done something. It means most projects get stopped half way through because I give in and it becomes more bearable to just not bother doing anything. I'm anxious before I do a thing, and then I'm anxious after I do the thing, if anything doing the thing increases the anxiety. So much for 'exposure therapy' and all the talk of, 'you'll be proud of yourself.' Rarely am I proud of having 'battled' my anxiety by doing something anyway, I'm just more anxious instead. Maybe it's the autism. Maybe it's trauma maybe it's both. I don;'t know. If I was sat in front of a psychologist and they asked me about my childhood, I'm aware they'd probably suggest there is some trauma involved to do with bullying and some parental trauma too, though I hate to say that because the person is better these days, they're like a different person... And then there is the autism on top.
I'd have a wild stab at you're suffering from a lack of experience. The more things you do, the more times you will fail - but the more times you will succeed. Failure is learning. Failure is experience. You learn nothing if you win all the time.
Don't be afraid of failure. I do a lot of my thinking on paper - it's cheap - drawing things out to clarify my thoughts and often, I come to the conclusion that the project is not practical or the failure risk it too high - but lots of projects are completely sensible.
Do you have anyone you can bounce ideas off? learning on your own is hard work - learning together is fun.
It could be some lack of experience. Though I don't think it's that simple. I've got some experience of doing things and then traumatic things happenings that I have linked up to things I've done, logically they may have no connection, but the emotional side of the brain is always a few steps behind the logical side. I feel like it's somewhat to do with autism as well though just because, I find small things over stimulate me which I think just adds to anxiety. I don't really have friends in real life, they're all online.
Have you heard of Men's Sheds? It's a nationwide charity where you can meet with others and make things - you might have a local one. Obviously, we're all still playing WuFlu games, but they should be reopening soon.
Have a look on the interwebs to see if you have a local one.
https://menssheds.org.uk/