Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm so tired of the fact I can't do anything without increased anxiety. People say to just 'do' rather than think about doing stuff. But every time I do anything I become anxious about the potential consequence of the thing I've done, even if the thing I've done is 'normal' or 'harmless.' It's hard to explain. But anything I want to do, am interested in, if I involve myself with it, like say, start working on a project each time I involve myself in the project I become anxious about the consequences of the project. More so for projects that have an external influence on the world in whatever small, tiny way that may be, in whatever small patch of the world that may be. For example, my latest project is wanting to make a small pond using a container. (I don't have my own garden to make a proper one). I made a start on it today, after lots of meaning to do it and then not doing it. I put all the stones at the bottom and poured some water in. I have some pond plants I plan on putting in there, and it still needs more water. I came back in my flat afterwards and now I'm just anxious about it. I'm anxious about attracting rats, I'm anxious about a neighbour who moves stuff in the garden because he doesn't like anyone. I'm always having these anxious thoughts about stuff after I've done something. It means most projects get stopped half way through because I give in and it becomes more bearable to just not bother doing anything. I'm anxious before I do a thing, and then I'm anxious after I do the thing, if anything doing the thing increases the anxiety. So much for 'exposure therapy' and all the talk of, 'you'll be proud of yourself.' Rarely am I proud of having 'battled' my anxiety by doing something anyway, I'm just more anxious instead. Maybe it's the autism. Maybe it's trauma maybe it's both. I don;'t know. If I was sat in front of a psychologist and they asked me about my childhood, I'm aware they'd probably suggest there is some trauma involved to do with bullying and some parental trauma too, though I hate to say that because the person is better these days, they're like a different person... And then there is the autism on top.
Hardest part is realizing there is only the same way as everyone else. Ive been isolated and helped so long ive become almost helpless. Discovering too late that life is what it is...its truly terryfying to realise the loss. Even tiny things scare me because i come to realise its all my fault in the end. Anxiety becomes who you are and after 20 years of hiding there is nothing but waste of life and much harder than 20 years ago to start. Add in that life is how it is and it becomes a living nightmare.
Have you heard of Men's Sheds? It's a nationwide charity where you can meet with others and make things - you might have a local one. Obviously, we're all still playing WuFlu games, but they should be reopening soon.
Have a look on the interwebs to see if you have a local one.
https://menssheds.org.uk/
I am trying to work on 'rewilding' places around me within the constraints of physical disability and the housing associations rules. But I find it very difficult to make impacts on the world, I'm the kinda person who always wants to shrink and be as unnoticeable as possible. So whenever I might be making an impact whether it's positive or negative I get very angsty with it. Some of it I think is overstimulation and some of it trauma from standing out in the past that lead to being targeted.
With me i put it down to having a traumatic childhood, and autism .
just continual hurt and being totally isolated . A form of defence mechanism ,if you look at all the worst scenarios you can be prepared for what might come at you ,no surprises.
I think it just gets somehow locked in to how you think.
Very useful if you are growing up in a war zone ,
When i am stressed it is alot worse, like most things
it is awesome you want to create a pond because they generate life.
no one here can really help you, apart from verbal encouragement or information such as links etc
this leaves the solution to your problems with you and we are all pretty much in this situation
we all have to manage a way through our suffering (autistics and non-autistics)
so tomorrow when you get up choose to have a good day
It could be some lack of experience. Though I don't think it's that simple. I've got some experience of doing things and then traumatic things happenings that I have linked up to things I've done, logically they may have no connection, but the emotional side of the brain is always a few steps behind the logical side. I feel like it's somewhat to do with autism as well though just because, I find small things over stimulate me which I think just adds to anxiety. I don't really have friends in real life, they're all online.
Most of the time what others might think doesn't occur to me. But certain types of people it does, because they've been hostile to me in the past.
Probably. I do that.
Is this catastrophizing, always looking at the worst scenario or possible problems that are far from likely.?
I feel the exact same with my neighbours. I love my garden but only if my neighbours aren’t out! I always check first before I head out and can’t really explain why I feel like that.
I also enjoy the wildlife. I had bird feeders out but one day my neighbour asked about it, he didn’t moan or complain, but now I’ve convinced myself he has an issue with me feeding the birds!
Delays freak me out. The anxiety is excruciating. While I appreciate that, for others, it's their only time out in the week. But I don't do patience.
I would love to be able to enjoy my garden but I get anxious about my neighbours.
Something I find hard to explain, they are nice neighbours I just constantly worry about upsetting them.
I took an interest in wildlife in my garden so i got myself a wildlife camera but soon as they started asking me questions it made me feel so uncomfortable I stopped filming night time hedgehogs and mice and the 6 cats that seemed to patrol my garden.
Having someone to share your hobby with does make me feel less anxious.
I know growing up I had great trouble knowing right from wrong and I still do so the anxiety is part of it I guess.
I'd have a wild stab at you're suffering from a lack of experience. The more things you do, the more times you will fail - but the more times you will succeed. Failure is learning. Failure is experience. You learn nothing if you win all the time.
Don't be afraid of failure. I do a lot of my thinking on paper - it's cheap - drawing things out to clarify my thoughts and often, I come to the conclusion that the project is not practical or the failure risk it too high - but lots of projects are completely sensible.
Do you have anyone you can bounce ideas off? learning on your own is hard work - learning together is fun.