I'm 23, female and struggling with it all


My names Abby, i'm 23 years old and was diagnosed beginning of last year/coming up this year with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Putting aside the absolute trilogy, pre-quel and sequel it would take to give a backstory, i am really struggling at this point to even understand it, it being autism, it being me who doesnt feel worthy? Not ego or pedestal worthy but worthy of saying that it is whats wrong (i say wrong from my point of view i do understand it can be a hinderence but also a gift for others) with me, instead of putting it down plain and simply to im a terrible person that doesnt get it (not that i even know what there is to get which is dually infuriating because i don't have the interest to sit and gossip and rip into another human beings look or passive racism/jokes that are made of other peoples misery/ignorances to peoples lives that they feel they can comment and summarise it after never enganging with the person theyre actually talking about) and being extremely critical of things and others around me while feeling constantly anxious and guilty to say anything because i don't want to be hypocritial when i throw my strong views out its unfair, so i opt for not saying anything because the explanation thats in my brain seems to lose all intellectual anything the instant it starts exiting my mouth in speech and even if i could somehow get across the dialogue in my head without crying, processesing or just not hitting the nail on the head, as daft as it sounds, in everyday life people would just look at me with a bewildered look either from my replacement of normal words with different ones either imitated from a movie/tv series/game ive watched or played in which ill mimic the action and this bit just feels like a rambling attempt at explaining what i think is a trait but again i could just be pulling at straws for an answer? I dont know.

I can't even describe or pinpoint what is actually wrong right now, ive had depression from atleast 12 years old, been going to the doctors since i was around 14 and started antidepressants shortly after it wasn't until a huge breakdown at university that ive been consistantly keeping at it but im currently in limbo.... the lady who gave me the diagnosis for autism said it would be beneficial for me not having to drive there (in the middle of a main city) because id had abit of an overload the last appointment because of the satnav and the roads and the other drivers and the perpetual feeling of ive fucked up, im fucking up, i dont understand this system/lanes that im driving.

So then my psychiatrist who first gave me the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (who said there was no point carrying my appointments on but would look along side my assessment lady at getting me a psychologist appointment) stopped my appointments, said if i feel like i need them (which when you feel like your using up peoples time, your issues are silly, youre being a burden, causing issues/hassle etc) i can just phone up and ask for an appointment but this is harder than said and done as explained above coupled with the fact that what im telling them is true yes but i feel like the worlds biggest imposter.... like literally (coupled with my PiP assessment and review which had me phoning the crisis team) and because i dont know everything there is to know about autism i dont feel that if someone asks me about it i have enough i formation to explain it without any eye rolling or the usual "right okay" *queue being talked about because im clearly not physically disabled or can explain my diagnosis or know everything there is to know about autism so i must be attention seeking* most i have found is to do with children,  How do you distinguish between your autism and your depression/anxiety/emotional unstableness and so much more?

Also when youre in a comfortable routine/space do you feel like your interaction with your family because abit easier? When im in the shed (i have a small lamp it is darker than outside, my tv and playstation in there) if im in a state like that my mum can come sit, talk to me even have some laughs but otherwise i can be quite rigid and minimal in my responce, not because of her but because i dont wanna speak or be interacted with at that time cos its easier than trying to explain whats wrong when there isnt somethi g apparently wrong, depending on my emotional state i can also talk extremely fast in an emotional flurry trying to get my entire explanation out in one go so the person gets the full side before assuming/or making a judgement.

Sorry you had to wade through this, as you can tell mentally everything is alittle all over and im lacking guidance? Just some adult figure that can turn around and help me file through it all but no one seems to get it, or they get it and i dont so do i need to research more to get it or ? I dont know what im ment to do, sorry for spilling it over and if i caused any irritation or i said got something wrong please tell me and i will apologise and correct it, thank you for your time everyone