Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I don't know how to do this but I'll try round up who I am and what's going on
I'm 29 and live in Cornwall. I have always been known as the 'quirky' child. Refusing to talk all the way through primary school yet chatter away at home. Being terrified of people, feeling painfully shy and out of my depth all the time and yet obsessive over the few people I felt good around. I wanted to be babied forever not walking and feeding myself. I have always had phases of sadness and anxiety and not always known what the problem was. I would go through phases of funny interests that would consume me and to this day I have a very much 'all or nothing' personality. I had little ticks and repetitive cough noises I would make that drove my mother mad for a couple years. I have always been obsessed with touch/textures. Even now at 29 I still like to dig things up under my thumb nail and pick at things with edges. I have long hair that I like to bring up to my face and breath in. My brain never stops analyzing myself, it's like being frustrated all the time and not knowing why everyone else seems to know how to be normal.
I work full time which I'm very amazed at myself and proud of. When I started at my work place 9yrs ago I was 19, painfully shy, awkward, anxious and unsure of myself.
I really pushed myself to become like everyone else at work and try to hide when I couldn't cope with sudden changes in rotas and plans. If someone says something is going to happen a certain way and it changes I just loose all sense of perspective and obsess on how stressed it makes me and what should have been. I force myself to smile and talk to new people and on the phone (even if I have to hide in a private room to do it!) I guess you could say I latched on to a colleague and he has helped me more than I could ever let on. He is one of life's kind people who listens to the quiet ones and includes everyone. I would not have come so far without him but I know that my dependency and favoritism of him may hurt in the long run.
So here we are Covid-19. It sucks. I'm more stressed than ever and it feels irrational. I have gone through personal trauma, grief and financial issues in the past but this year has pushed me to the edge of my mental health.
I am lucky to still have a job and make money but I have been redeployed and have health issues. I feel like I have been ripped from an environment I worked so hard to become relaxed, safe, happy and competent in. It took 9years and some amazing people but that workplace was my stability in my life and the one constant I had.
Now I am in a new job role, with new people in a new building and I hate myself. I can't do it again. I listen to everyone chatting and smiling and being normal and I get frustrated that I am not like that with people. I become so down and withdrawn and I get trapped in my head and then I get mad at myself more because I know it's all my fault. Who would want to get to know that?! and yet the people I know well and trust I have the best laugh with but that took years to get there!
I'm a mess at the moment, I am really struggling to not feel like a loser alien. Ive probably missed a lot out but I've moaned enough. Anyone else finding this year difficult? Thanks for reading if you made it through this far x
I hear you, Mate!
I had to adapt to the first Lockdown. It was okay then. But then, my brother came home from Uni (he graduated with a 2:1 in Software Development at the age of 31) and suddenly things weren't so rosy. He is forever telling me to keep the noise down and said, in a text, that it was making him 'Angsty.'
We are going to sell our house and land - the family home, worth quite a bit - but I have to look towards living somewhere to rent; for the time being.
Welcome I’m in a similar situation COVID has really messed up my work changes all over the place it’s hard to get through.
This is my thought on things.
Remember, it is a strange and awkward situation for anyone. Humans, by nature, are tribal and do not like outsiders. The thing you must emphasis is that you are not a threat to the tribe or tribal leader.
You can do this with small simple gestures. Next time you make a drink ask if anyone wants one. Perhaps a peace offering of biscuits/ cakes or even fruit (if they are health fanatics). Other things are being careful when you notice something amiss. Do it subtly - that's hard but worth it - at first.
Basically think how you would expect someone to act if they wanted to join your tribe.
It does take time, you will not need to be anything but yourself.
I hear you.
I went for diagnosis this year after the change in working practices due to COVID completely unravelled me in a way that wasn't anxiety, depression or a hatred of my job. Someone suggested that I might be ASD, and I have a preliminary diagnosis to confirm this.
Like you I'm working full time, but have gone from enjoying my work to seriously struggling with it so there's a huge burden of guilt there. I'm also very aware of the countless people in the entertainment industry that have no income and potentially no future, which makes me feel even worse about myself - so I'm afraid I can only sympathise rather than offer any solutions.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, the situation is constantly shifting and I just hope that I can survive long enough to see the *** of light again! I'm very glad 'The Last Leg' is back on Channel 4. I find their attitude very helpful for processing what's going on in the world, without getting smothered by it (sorry, went off on a tangent there)
u doing rally well. ure on the spectrum and the spectrum is part of the rest of human diversity so you are no loser alien and must never think that again. U are paying taxs and National insurance so you are helping economically during Covid-19.
nothing is your fault, STOP that thinking (gradually), by applying these simple exercises
i have added a link to the 2 minds exercises, please read then try them all and use them in work for months and things will gradually change. It takes time u must apply these every day and then things change.
https://markmanson.net/your-two-minds
u must like and love yourself before u can like and love others who then will love and like you
I can relate to a lot of what you say.
You've put in hard work and quite a bit of that hard work on understanding others etc will stay with you.
It'll feel like an awful uphill struggle at the moment. This year really sucks as well. Allow yourself to be a touch positive if you can though ?
You don't sound like a loser to me and I don't see that you should feel blame if others don't fit in with you.
A lot of us here will totally get what you describe here. Welcome to the forum here.