Advice for dating a man with Asperger's.

Hello all, 

I'm so glad to have finally found somewhere to discuss this. 

My partner and me have been together for a couple of years, and we both feel he has AS. Both of us have siblings with AS and I have professional training and experience with people with this condition, plus his behaviours match up on online tests he's taken (though those things are a NIGHTMARE for literal thinkers like him!). We're in our late twenties and have discussed him getting a diagnosis for some time, but we're aware of the time/ effort/ chance of it not being recognised and we're not sure there'd really be any benefit for him or us. However, I'm starting to struggle a little. 

I'm a very emotionally colourful person- enormously expressive and open- and I find his lack of emotion so challenging at times. There's zero affection unless I instigate it, though we have a relatively healthy sexual relationship. I can be crying and he'll just sit, blinking at me. He's never said anything emotional about me or our relationship, in terms of how much he loves me or how I make him feel. It's TOUGH, especially as I feel loved through words. I feel like we've tried everything, and bless him, he tries so, so hard to meet my needs, but having to constantly direct him in how to love me makes me feel I'm the only person in our relationship. We're both reaching a point of frustration and huge imbalance. I think he feels he irritates me all the time and is walking on eggshells. I find communicating with him so exhausting that I'm switching off, and I feel enormously guilty and responsible. 

I've come to the point where I've realised I absolutely have to stop pushing him for things that are simply not in his repertoire, such as physical and vocal affection. He's tried and tried and just can't keep it up without reminding. I want to learn to love him as he is and stop focusing on my own void, but it's difficult. I have the most amazing relationship with my brother who has AS, and I'm the only person who can communicate well with him, but it's a completely different thing with a partner and strong emotions. 

I don't feel I can talk to anyone else about this, as I worry people who don't understand would simply tell me to leave. I absolutely would never leave him. He's the most amazing man- kind, funny and intelligent. I just wish I had the skills to make him always feel that way, rather than the irritating little boy I probably make him feel at times. We're the best of friends and he's the absolute love of my life. 

I wondered if anyone might have any advice, such as how to meet in the middle, or even how to learn to put my own needs, regarding affection, aside without feeling resentful. I'm already a very open, honest and direct communicator, but I feel we're so wildly different, that we're still not communicating well, and I'd love to fix that. I'd also like to add that I'm happy to be on this journey with him- people with AS have deeply enriched my life and my soul and I know that learning to navigate this will make our relationship, and me as an individual, infinitely stronger. 

I'm so sorry this is is so long, and I'm so grateful if you've managed to read this and could offer any tips. 

Sending love, thanks and best wishes. 

  • I hope that the book helps you although as Former Member said ASD counselling may prove helpful.

    We're all human beings, regardless of our diagnosis. We all deserve the same chance at life, at love, at happiness :-) Asking real people for advice is always far better than trusting Dr Google!

  • I honestly don't know how she puts up with me? She has learnt to accept me more over the years but there will always be obstacles in our way because of me having AS. The key is she sits me down and tells me straight when things are getting a bit much so then I kind of get back on track and try and be the husband she wants but then I always seem to slip off it's a cycle of on off : )

    We have our laughs aswell she has got me a few times when shes said we have guests around when I've just got in from work and she said it's funny seeing the fakeness of my face going from really annoyed to pulling the most ridiculous fake smile ever to walk in the room and greet them for her to then turn around as say I'm joking! Arghhh Haha. I really do dislike having visitors especially unexpected because then the mask comes out.

  • I haven't read this one! I'll pick it up :) Thank you. I also have men are from mars but have never read it. I will! 

    And I know exactly what you mean- I was diagnosed with BPD in my teens (I would argue that I don't have it anymore and medical professionals agree). The perception of borderlines is that we're literally the spawn of satan and that everyone should avoid us! This is why I wanted to ask for advice from real people rather than just google Smiley

  • You're welcome. Here's the link for the book:

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Five-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156

    I would also highly recommend 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' as I've read it myself and think that it gives a really good insight into the differences in the ways that men and women's brains work, regardless of autism or not.

    There are many books out there about being in a relationship with someone with AS. But please beware, there are some that can be incredibly prejudiced towards Autistic people, painting us as emotionally abusive, which we're not, our brains are just wired differently. I wonder if anyone else on here can recommend a good book on being in a relationship with someone with AS???

  • You can gain his trust by indulging his hobbies without spoiling it for him - for example, if it's aircraft museums, ask him lots of questions about the planes - let him show his knowledge and prepare to be impressed - demonstrate you're listening to him and understanding - don't hassle him to get around quickly because you're bored - the more you indulge him, the more he will want to indulge you.

    I'm sure you can think of how to indulge his hobby and get him into a comfortable zone - he's more likely to open up if he can trust you won't shoot him down.

  • Yup- he's very, very sensitive to perceived criticism, so I definitely did make my job harder! We're getting to a good place with his hobby now. Since I realised that it's the ONE thing in the whole universe that grounds him, makes him feel valuable and safe, I realised I absolutely cannot deny him that. Just trying to wind things back now and re-write what's been said and done before. 

    He really has been hurt/ taken advantage of before. He's the sweetest, most gentle, generous and kind person I've ever known. It makes perfect sense for him to have his guard up. 

    Thank you :) 

  • If you provide him with a long list of things that you like to do, the fact he takes part is because he loves you - when he is unhappy doing things, he will likely withdraw because he might be confused and the reciprocation.

    There is a HUGE risk on his part letting you into his head - most of us have been used and manipulated in our lives so we get extremely guarded about our needs  (needs = weakness = risk of abuse).   If you've already told him off for him enjoying childish things, that will have been logged and further masked in future.  You might have just made your job a bit harder.

    My wife is completely down with my hobbies - and she now realises that my inner perpetual child is keeping her young and fresh with a positive outlook.   She looks at our peers and they are sooooo old!

    Getting older is mandatory, growing up isn't.  Smiley

  • See, this is where it gets a little more complex, for me. If he performs these tasks purely because I've asked him to, it can kind of lose its meaning altogether. He has sometimes been better with affection and given me a hug, but it feels forced and strange because that's how it feels for him. Or perhaps that's in my own mind and my own issue! I don't know! But that's why I'm hoping I can stop asking him for things which aren't natural to him and learn to better appreciate those that are. 

    You are so right about him learning to mask around me, and I'm now trying to reverse that and allow him to truly be himself around me. I have asked what he wants from me, but the difficulty is that he says 'nothing'. He always says things are perfect and that I'm perfect when pressed... but I'm not sure if he's just really afraid of creating some kind of conflict, no matter how much I reassure him. We've always have a very positive, close relationship with virtually no conflict, so it's hard for me to know what to do to reassure him. However, I do know that he perceives me as just another person who might berate him at times, regardless, because of his own life experiences. 

    I'm going round in circles! Apologies! 

    But I do hope you have an excellent time at the water park! There have definitely been times where I've described certain aspects of his hobby as 'childish' or something to that affect, so I will certainly take more care there.  

  • Thank you so much for your answer. I think I may have read that book, but a long time ago and not well! I should definitely revisit it. 

    Interestingly, when I've asked my partner what makes him feel I love him, he says that it's me telling him I love him and just being here. It means I don't have to try- at all! Which makes me feel guilty and as though things are really unfair and imbalanced here. My mere presence in his life is enough to make him feel content- why can't I feel like that about him? 

    I'm similar to you- I'm not actually SUPER affectionate myself. I would probably hate if he was all over me all the time, and he knows that, so this must make it so much harder for him to understand when the time is right (such as when I'm crying, which many NT people would inherently know). I find it so difficult to be literal in my language and express myself when I'm not black and white, either. It feels like both of our emotions depend on me and the way I speak which is such a huge responsibility, and it also forces me to really, really search myself which I can find exhausting. I also feel ashamed of resenting it, and guilty, which doesn't help. 

    I wonder if there's a book about being in a relationship with someone with AS? 

    I'm absolutely waffling now, but I'm finding it so useful to type these things out. Thank you so much for responding to me. 

  • Hi, I thought that I'd reply to this as it struck a chord with me. I am a woman with AS and I've also been convinced for some years that my husband also has AS (though he's having none of it!). It is incredibly rare that myself or my husband are affectionate towards each other. Most of the time this is fine by me and there are times when I don't want him anywhere near me BUT there are also times when I really need a hug, such as when I'm feeling down or when I was really hormonal after having our daughters or sometimes just because. If I ever ask my husband for a cuddle, the best I get, on a good day is a cuddle at arm's length, most of the time I'll just get a pat on the shoulder or he'll just walk off. He doesn't comfort me if I'm ever crying, he'll just keep talking at me or ignore me. We don't tend to say anything emotional about each other or the relationship because that's not really our thing. What I'm trying to get at is that I do understand, as a woman, even an autistic woman, that it can be hard to be in a relationship where you are not receiving physical affection.

    BUT,

    I think that a couple of people have already touched on the need to be aware of what language your partner expresses love in. I actually have a book about this upstairs but I can't get to it at the moment as my husband is asleep after a night shift, I'll access it later and put the details on here for you as I personally found it incredibly helpful. The basic gist of it is this, there are I think 5 'languages' of love, each person has one language that they express love in and another (can be the same or different) that they like to receive love in. Disharmony can occur when partners fail to 'speak' the same love language as each other. So for example, it seems as if you need to receive love in the language of physical affection and words. However, it might be the case that your partner communicates his love for you in the 'language' of doing practical tasks for you. This love is no less meant than if he were to give you a hug or tell you he loves you, it is just 'spoken' in a different 'language'. I hope I'm making some sense here? Your partner will also have a language that he needs love to be expressed to him in, do you know what that is? In what way do you express love to him? (that's genuine question, I'm autistic so I'm plain speaking). Unfortunately what can happen, if one half of a couple is receiving love in a language other than the one they need, then they don't feel loved and the other half of the couple can feel unappreciated as their efforts are going unnoticed. I really need to post the link to that book later as it explains it all a lot better than I am! The long and the short of it is this. What I realised after reading that book is that my husband may not cuddle me or tell me that he loves me but he communicates his love to me in practical ways such as when he does the school run and lets me sleep in when he's not working, or by doing lots of work on the garden so that it looks nice when we sit out there for dinner, or by growing fruit and vegetables for us. Once I understood this, I stopped feeling so jaded that he wasn't expressing his love to me, because he does express his love to me, just in a different way. 

  • I believe it's as difficult for a NT person to undo a lifetime of conditioning towards that notion as it is for someone with AS to want to do those things... so where does that leave us all?

    Oh, and when I wrote the part above, I was speaking broadly ad generally, rather than necessarily about myself. 

  • I can imagine it did! But the main point is that I want to be better for him. I don't want to hurt him or make him feel like he's an annoyance to me, not even a tiny bit of the time. 

    I want to learn how to think more like him, so I'm able to perceive the things from his side that he struggles to express. I just don't quite know how to do it. This is why I'm here. If I simply wanted to complain about my boyfriend's AS traits, I certainly wouldn't come to this site to do so :) 

  • You don't need to accept that your needs won't be met - he just needs more information that is specific to you.   He has to tailor his 'generic' user interface to a specific one for you - and that needs tons of information from you to guide him to customise the interface. 

    I suspect he will be more than happy to supply everything you need if he has all the data.   

    In return - you need to be very explicit with him about your needs and how to satisfy them

    - BUT -

    you also have to realise that he has needs that are extremely fragile - he will probably be used to masking his true needs to fit in with what he perceives is expected from the situation.    He may be so scared about 'doing the right thing' that he is unable to express his own needs clearly.   He will appear passive and compliant.

    If you really want to get into his head, explain to him that you understand masking and get him to open up about what he REALLY wants and would like to do and be prepared to support his dreams.

    Also - we tend to still like 'childish' things because of the pure simplicity which gives us peace and relaxation - 'm in my 50s and I still like Lego, Disney holidays and model boats - and a bunch of other things.   We're off to a water-fight party on the weekend - water pistols at the ready!. 

  • Your replies are so eloquent and helpful, and I'm very grateful for your input. 

    Our relationship is similar to yours- our opposite attributes are so helpful to one another's lives and growth as people. Opposites attract for a reason! I've also struggled with my partner's obsession for his interest, but I've worked extremely hard on accepting that and we're in a much better place with it now! It was actually realising that it might be part of AS or something similar, rather than his wanting to avoid me, which helped me accept this. 

    Thing is, no one is perfect, NT or otherwise, and no one is ever going to find a partner where everything is perfect. I believe the value of our love is accepting and working with what you have (as long as the good outweighs the bad and it benefits you as a person in the grand scheme). God knows how many of my own flaws he accepts! I actually think he thinks I'm perfect which is just SO far from the truth! 

    I am so happy that there are couples who are making this work. It would be a horrible shame if only NTs dated NTs, and people with AS only dated people with AS!

  • Thank you both so much for your thoughtful answers. I completely agree that I need to/ want to accept that some of my needs won't be met in this relationship, which I believe is absolutely worth it to be with such an amazing human being as he is! It's just that, sometimes, I lose my energy for it a little and it makes me feel deeply sad and alone every now and then. I know that's human and it's okay, but I want to try to avoid this as I'm worried about how it's making him feel over time and I was hoping that I'd speak to some people here who were managing to do exactly that. 

    I don't want to feel like I'm compromising my own needs to be with him because that impacts our relationship- I want to be willingly accepting. I just don't know how to change my own view of things. 99% of the time I can, it's just that tiny part where I don't that I want to work with. It's so unfair on him. I often think of his face when I'm trying to explain these things and he just doesn't understand and he's sad and overwhelmed, and it breaks my heart. 

    I've started to try to adapt the way I view his displays of affection, too. It's quite challenging, as for him it's things like doing the washing up, which in my mind has always been something you just kind of do when living in a house :) What I'm trying to remember is that I've had many, many colourful, dynamic relationships with people (friends, partners etc) where I've gained an awful lot of experience, so I see buying someone a coffee or whatever as a sort of natural mechanism of relationship. But, he hasn't. So for him, getting up from the sofa to get me a biscuit when he doesn't really want to is quite a huge gesture. It's just difficult at times to think like him, rather than myself. 

    Did you really ask for a manual from your wife? I think that's such an excellent idea! And discussing things by text is also a great idea. Before we lived together, when we texted way more, he was actually pretty good at expressing himself in that way. 

    THANK YOU so much, and thank you for not judging me. I wasn't going to return to this forum as I was finding it very upsetting, but I'm glad I did. 

  • Well it depends on perspective and depends what NT means. I can be subjective, mostly depending which side of the medical vs. social argument you're on. I've had several diagnoses in the past relating to mental health, including 'chronic' conditions- the big, stigmatized, supposedly 'incurable' ones. I also had a doctor wish to refer me for diagnosis of adult (female) autism and ADHD, which I declined due to my own views on diagnoses (I also don't believe that would have been correct, but understand his reasoning). 

    My own views are that I'm a product of my environment and my upbringing and I dislike the use of labels when they are purely used to pathologize people. I think diagnosis is useful (and perhaps designed) for entry into supportive services, medication, etc and understanding oneself and others better if that's what a person feels would be helpful. But I see what most people would describe as 'neurodiverse' as perfect, something to be accepted, celebrated and normalised, which is why I'm here asking for some additional advice in continuing to do so in my partner's case. 

    So, I've been given labels previously which many would argue mean that I am 'neurodiverse', and that's for life. But I've learned to manage my 'condition' so well that I'd highly doubt any doctor would be able to diagnose me with anything at all. I find it easier to use the phrase 'NT' about partners of people with AS, as I don't have it myself, so it provides that clarity. I just feel a little as though I'm being viewed as some sort of neurotypical enemy in this forum and it's really quite upsetting, which is why, I guess, I felt the need to mention that I'm not exactly NT either. 

  • I believe it's as difficult for a NT person to undo a lifetime of conditioning towards that notion as it is for someone with AS to want to do those things... so where does that leave us all?

    Suggests you're NT... and how does that reconcile with...

    I'm not actually NT, depending on which way you look at things

    ?

  • Agree with Plastic. I am still waiting for my wife to write me that manual on how to be romantic that I have asked her for. Having said that she has told me she sees my love in all the small things I do and how I look after her.

    Take this as a positive. If he has told you he loves you he really means it, probably more than any NT saying it, and if you are both close and happy he will likely be far more faithful to you than any NT. Unfortunately you will probably have to get used to how he is. If you tried to change him and get him to be more romantic / open / chatty, you might find that in order to do that he has to generate a persona for you that is not him, which then causes anxiety and is draining and will then damage your relationship. An important part of a relationship is being able to be yourselves with each other.

    Also, if he finds discussing emotions difficult as I do, try having conversations by text / email / letter. I can write things down that I cannot discuss in conversation with my wife.

  • I don't  know honestly. As long as they are happy I am happy for them.

  • She is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I also say she is my better half because shes got the part of the brain I don't have she explains things to me from different angles. Whether it be lyrics in a song that I don't understand the meaning of or for instance if I take something literally she will explain and calm me down.

    I help her with organising appointments and finances so it works both ways.

    I love her dearly and I know she loves me because she puts up with alot of things that annoy her from me that I don't do intentionally. I think a big problem in our lifes is my obsession with my interest that unfortunately if I was on my own wouldn't be a problem but because I'm married it can get in the way of spending precious time together. 

    So I have Saturday night specifically just for me and her to watch TV together spend a bit of time in each others company.

    I'm sorry I can't offer much advice as I struggle myself in this area. I hope you find some answers to your problem.