Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
I'm so glad to have finally found somewhere to discuss this.
My partner and me have been together for a couple of years, and we both feel he has AS. Both of us have siblings with AS and I have professional training and experience with people with this condition, plus his behaviours match up on online tests he's taken (though those things are a NIGHTMARE for literal thinkers like him!). We're in our late twenties and have discussed him getting a diagnosis for some time, but we're aware of the time/ effort/ chance of it not being recognised and we're not sure there'd really be any benefit for him or us. However, I'm starting to struggle a little.
I'm a very emotionally colourful person- enormously expressive and open- and I find his lack of emotion so challenging at times. There's zero affection unless I instigate it, though we have a relatively healthy sexual relationship. I can be crying and he'll just sit, blinking at me. He's never said anything emotional about me or our relationship, in terms of how much he loves me or how I make him feel. It's TOUGH, especially as I feel loved through words. I feel like we've tried everything, and bless him, he tries so, so hard to meet my needs, but having to constantly direct him in how to love me makes me feel I'm the only person in our relationship. We're both reaching a point of frustration and huge imbalance. I think he feels he irritates me all the time and is walking on eggshells. I find communicating with him so exhausting that I'm switching off, and I feel enormously guilty and responsible.
I've come to the point where I've realised I absolutely have to stop pushing him for things that are simply not in his repertoire, such as physical and vocal affection. He's tried and tried and just can't keep it up without reminding. I want to learn to love him as he is and stop focusing on my own void, but it's difficult. I have the most amazing relationship with my brother who has AS, and I'm the only person who can communicate well with him, but it's a completely different thing with a partner and strong emotions.
I don't feel I can talk to anyone else about this, as I worry people who don't understand would simply tell me to leave. I absolutely would never leave him. He's the most amazing man- kind, funny and intelligent. I just wish I had the skills to make him always feel that way, rather than the irritating little boy I probably make him feel at times. We're the best of friends and he's the absolute love of my life.
I wondered if anyone might have any advice, such as how to meet in the middle, or even how to learn to put my own needs, regarding affection, aside without feeling resentful. I'm already a very open, honest and direct communicator, but I feel we're so wildly different, that we're still not communicating well, and I'd love to fix that. I'd also like to add that I'm happy to be on this journey with him- people with AS have deeply enriched my life and my soul and I know that learning to navigate this will make our relationship, and me as an individual, infinitely stronger.
I'm so sorry this is is so long, and I'm so grateful if you've managed to read this and could offer any tips.
Sending love, thanks and best wishes.
Are you sure he's AS? A lot of men don't verbalise their feelings.
Thank you for your response, though I was hoping I wouldn't be asked this, especially as being unable to verbalise feelings isn't the only thing I've mentioned. Yes, I'm as sure as I can be without having a diagnosis. I'm a qualified social worker with plenty of experience in working with people with AS, and I have spotted it in individuals and supported them through diagnosis. I've had specialised training in this area. I've also had many friends with AS, and both my brothers have it, so I've known more about it than many neurotypical people since I was a kid. My partner's brother also has AS, and he (my partner) feels he has it too. Additionally, as mentioned, he has taken several of the diagnostic, online tests. It is not only being unable to verbalise his feelings. He is highly socially anxious, and has always struggled to make friends and maintain relationships. He has copied the behaviours of others his entire life as a kind of coping mechanism, due to lacking social skills. He can't read facial expressions, body language or tone of voice very well. He takes things very literally and can't 'read between the lines' or really...imagine. He lacks empathy, though I know he wishes he had it. He has a very strict, self-imposed routine which he repeats every day and becomes stressed when this is interrupted. He becomes overwhelmed extremely quickly and has practised stimming behaviours since he was a baby. He is obsessive about his (narrow) interests... I could go on, but I don't like to. This isn't why I posted.
But still what you originally described to me sounded like gender communication problems that many couples experience.
I think you could do with a professional opinion other than your own about the AS. You can't be sure you are being objective here (doctors aren't allowed to treat their own families for this reason).
Whichever way it goes you basically need to love and appreciate what he is and stop upsetting yourself over what he isn't and never will be, otherwise you will both be miserable. How would you feel if he told you that your basic nature was upsetting to him?
That's the nutshell answer.
Probably not what you want to hear, but its the voice of experience speaking.
Peace
I can imagine it did! But the main point is that I want to be better for him. I don't want to hurt him or make him feel like he's an annoyance to me, not even a tiny bit of the time. I want to learn how to think more like him, so I'm able to perceive the things from his side that he struggles to express. I just don't quite know how to do it. This is why I'm here. If I simply wanted to complain about my boyfriend's AS traits, I certainly wouldn't come to this site to do so :)
Your original post did sound just a teeny went bit self centred.
I'm really sorry you feel that way! I didn't realise it seems like I'm complaining about him. It's very difficult to communicate tone through a keyboard! I'm trying to just give a picture of our relationship. If I hadn't pointed out these qualities, I wouldn't have been able to seek the advice I'm trying to. I've literally said how hard he tries, and that I want to try and change, rather than him having to, so I just honestly don't understand how you're perceiving me so negatively. I love him to death! We actually have a very close, happy relationship, but these things come back round every so often and we're not progressing through them, which is why I'm seeking advice.
You are complaining about your boyfriend on the basis that hes ASD and YOU feel insulted? Ah, help me someone.....
No, not angry. It's just that I've stated I feel guilty all the time and want to be able to support him in the way that he is, and learn how to put my own feelings aside... that's what I'm asking for support/ ideas with. So telling me I need to support the way he is kind of a futile response to that... I've come here, hoping for help from people in similar situations, yet I feel like I'm being insulted, to be honest.
You're kind of angry now. I think you wanted some other kind of answer here, so I will leave it to the people who don't challenge you to carry on
Yes, because in this kind of forum, I didn't feel the need to describe 'symptoms'. I'm not the only person who thinks it. It hasn't come from me. He doesn't feel he wants/ needs a diagnosis- and that's fine. For him, it wouldn't change anything, as I said. Also, what you're saying about accepting him how he is is literally what I'M saying, what I'm asking for help with! I just don't understand where you're coming from with these comments.