second pregnancy

Interesting opinions and false assumptions you've made, but totally unhelpful, sorry you felt the need to spend your time writing this as what you say is not valid for this discussion.  Please don't take your frustrations out in a personal attack on me or anyone else for that matter; can I suggest you read the forum guidance, this forum has been set up to offer support.  If you want to bridge the gap then discussion, sharing and edcuation is the way to go. Thanks.

Have you tried suggesting they look at autistic led groups? I found several online, like this forum that allow you to gain insight from autistic adults they really are the best source of information. 

This is disappointing to learn; there is always the problem of navigating conflicting information isn't there. At the end of the day it's up to them and they have to find what works and what doesn't I guess, that's just part of the process, but I will feed this back, thanks 

That is very helpful thank you, I worked in the nhs for many years and totally undertstand what you are saying here and the limitations it places on people. I've been worried that they will be missing widows for his speech and that professional help might be good.  He is getting older now, but yes, I have read quite a few things now that have seen speech arrive around 8; however it unfolds, time will tell, we'll do what we can and what is needed.  

If your nephew is being referred to a pediatrician and he’s working on different ways of communicating it sounds like his needs are being met and his parents are right in not wanting any additional help at this stage. 

Applying for additional support, such as DLA or an EHCP can cause more harm than good as they focus on the medical model of disability (that there’s something wrong with the individual) rather than how main stream society disables the person, for exam0e through there expectations or the way they design environments 

Thanks for your reply, yes this is helpful, I will take a read of these articles now - sound great. You make a good point that most people post on forums with problems, I have taken that onboard.  I wouldn't say I am very focused on mainstream society in the slightest, I am using this as a measuring stick to try and communicate the difficulties and that is all. I home school my child who is NT, because I feel mainstream edcuation crushes the soul, an education to me draws out, helps a person find what they they are interested in, it does not decide what a person must learn.  

At this stage I really dont think it makes any difference if the second born child is NT or has ASD, unless of course he is severely disabled, any second child will be difficult for them to manage. If he is NT the mother will not be able to meet his emotional needs and dad will need to compensate, in some ways having a book to work to is much better for her to follow, and we have found there are lots of these guides for autism to try. 

Yes my nephew has a lovely life, away from mainstream life, it is isolated with very little variation but mostly he is happy and his parents love him dearly.

I will continue to try to encourage them to access support, it seems lacking on the ground but we will continue to try and look for things; they do not want state support at present, maybe this will change, but have now been referred to a piediatrician at last so maybe this will be the start.  Thanks again.

Eye contact is physically painful for alot of autistic people and trying to force eye contact is not reccomend. It is more for him to process ie he is trying to process visual information as well as everything else leading to confusion!!

https://www.autism.org.uk/get-involved/media-centre/news/2017-12-11-gy-school.aspx

That is an article about a school forcing pupils to make eye contact and the response from nas. 

Small steps with pecs 

I'm looking at your posts hoping that your sense of  of arrogance with subdue over time.

You obviously presume you know everything and as usual with domineering personalities who hide behind good intentions you will cause more harm with your interfering ways.

I suggest you go and look in the mirror before you start picking your family apart.

How would your family feel if they knew your lowly opinion of them. Stop playing Mother Teresa and deal with your own issues  before you do any more harm .

Of course you're saying everything with the best intentions...?

Ok, yes this is helpful thank you, I bought a pecs book and made some pics but they seemed reluctant, I think this is because it's beyond him; they are trying a repetitive technique and trying to look him in the eye atm. I will look into AAC.

https://www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/sibling-risk-of-autism-examined/

Ok, I may have misinterpreted how you came across, as for the statistics you mentioned I would be interested in reading those studies, 

Regardless of that it is worth noting that just because he doesn't acknowledge what you are saying or speak doesn't mean he doesn't understand my partners cousin was completely non verbal didn't interact at all until age 8 when he just started talking and repeated back all the things he had heard! I'm not saying that this will happen in your case but it is worth remembering

Try not to focus on what he cant do that is not helpful look for the positive,  so what if he wont have "typical" friendships it doesn't mean he wont have friends, . 

Encouraging them to engage with support services would be helpful such as speech and language and local support groups, also check to make sure they are getting any financial support that they are entitled to. This can help massively. 

Have they looked at different communication options like pecs or some other AAC? 

If 'there is a 19% likelihood of the next (child) having ASD following the first' then there's an 81% chance the child won't have be autistic. Wouldn't a realist focus on how its more likely the child will be NT than autistic?

The people who tend to post on forums are the ones like you, who are feeling uncomfortable about something and are looking for support. Therefore, negative posts do tend to outweigh the good ones but there are positive experiences too. I had to fight for my diagnosis as most people, including medical professions, have a limited understanding of autism, especially when your able to live a normal life. Despite this, I've found government support, inc PIP and A2W easy to access. 

Although you say you have no prejudices in you, that isn't how your posts come across. You do seem very focused on the way main stream society lives being the right way and that you have a lot of concern for those who don't live like this. For example, although you worry that your brother isolates himself, like me he might be happiest in the company of very limited people. When you describe your nephew you simply state that he's a young boy who is a late developer and is currently in his own world. Despite this you make a huge leap that he will always need care and will not be able to participate in mainstream education. That's only one, of hundreds of was, your nephews may live his life.I suggest you look into Paddy McGuinness's autistic children, his two youngest learnt how to manage their toilet needs later than most, had delayed speech, didn't have friends, plus they had a lot of challenges around change in routine and their sensory needs. However, they're both in mainstream school and are doing well. 

https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/showbiz-news/christine-paddy-mcguinness-autism-twins-14243515

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-6891177/Christine-McGuinness-delightedly-reveals-autistic-twins-making-friends-school.html

Thanks for your reply, really. He doesn't register what people say, and he doesn't speak, rarely engages, he's in his own world. I wouldn't dream of being any less than positive around him. I love and accept him the way he is and just try to engage him in things when I'm with him or try to help calm him which isn't easy and can take a very long time.

When I say we don't know what care he will need yet, what I mean is he will always need care, is vulnerable, but we do not know how this will look or what will be available to him, but I know from friends that it is always a struggle and a fight for services; reading the posts on here shows me this also.  He will not be entering mainstream education. The only guarantee is that he will have the support of his family, while someone is around of course (then where if this is needed?). When I refer to friends for him, what I mean is, this seems doubtful.  

I read that statistically second born children are often more severly affected and there is a 19% likleyhood of the next having ASD following the first, third born more again, so that is where this has come from, but yes I agree, we'll just have to wait and see now won't we. I am still struggling to see how they will manage.

They have very little money, no home space, no garden, only one bedroom between them and they isolate themselves; they don't have much support nor do they seek it or like to accept it.  I'm hoping this will change as they are going to need it. I will always do what I can to help, but what I can actually do is very limited. Perhaps in years to follow he will be able to come and stay with me for a night or two? But at present he couldnt cope with that and they wouldn't hand him over anyway because they fear no one else could look after him like they do and meet his needs. 

Yes my concern does come from a place of love for sure, there is absolutely no predjudice within me; I am however also a realist.

Firstly it is obvious that you have good intentions and care alot about your family.

But as you have stated they have no idea what care your nephew will need in future, well neither do you! 

Also why would you assume that the second baby boy would be more severely affected? I have 4 children they are nt, asd, nt, and the baby is to young to tell. You have no idea if the second baby will even be autistic let alone "more severely affected" 

You mention how much effort it is for little interaction from your nephew, I really hope you do not say this in front of him as it will really negatively impact him in the future. Social skills can improve as he gets older but please don't judge him against nt peers, I suggest you look into some actually autistic groups, they can really help you to understand alot more because despite how much you love your family and that your intention is to help, this feeling is really damaging imagine if you heard someone telling your parents that they shouldn't have more kids in case they turned out like you, would that be good for your self esteem.

Thanks for your thoughts; I'm pleased things have worked out for you. I wish I could share your optimism really I do. Best wishes.  

It'd be better for you, and especially your MH, to wait and see how things pan out rather than getting upset over maybes. There's no guarantee this sibling will be autistic or if they are what they will be like. For example, out of three children, my parents have two who are autistic. My brother is 28 and still lives at home and would struggle to live independently. On the other hand, I've just given up a job teaching in a university to focus on my own family (I'm pregnant) and am currently working towards a PHD. If I was close to my brother I'd be able to help out, fortunately, my sister (who is the only NT) is and he even lived with her for a while.

It might help to look over old threads on here. Just because you'd like your nephew to have friends many people on these boards prefer time alone. My husband meets most of my socialising needs and then I have a close friend who I see every six weekish - this suits me a lot better and I find the NT way of socialising exhausting. If you worry about things it's likely your nephew will pick up on this and it will make him anxious too. Instead it would be helpful to be non-judgemental and wait and see if your nephew gets upset about things such as friendships, then offer a helping hand if he wants it.