Hello there, I am new here and was looking for some advice but before you do let me tell you my story:
Two weeks ago my boyfriend of two years was told that he was on the autistic spectrum, this did not come as a shock to me as I knew he had dyspraxia and correct me if I'm wrong there are a few similarities or it's also a part of the autistic spectrum? We haven't had the best two years, we have had out ups and downs for example: June last year he ended things two days before we were meant to go on holiday and just left me in his house with his parents and I didn't see him for 6 weeks. We managed to work things out and he explained that he felt like a bad boyfriend as he found being in a relationship overwhelming and hard to understand as he overthinks every little thing that would just go over my head and it's unpredictable. I told him that if we both want this relationship to work then we both need to work at it.
Since we've been together I knew he also had mental health issues due to childhood memories and bad relationships so I knew it would take time for him to feel safe with me but I was also on guard due to him just leaving me out of the blue a few months back (he really broke my heart) fast forward to now, him and I moved in to a house owned by his parents this was to see how he would cope in the adult world, his mood has been low for a few weeks and he has spoken to me about it saying he's hearing voices and is afraid he may have schizophrenia. I told him that I am here to support him through anything. He ended up leaving our home on the Sunday saying he needed space and I respected that (I read that people with autism need some space and alone time) when I came home on the Thursday I found a half typed (which I'm sure his mum typed), half written letter ending our relationship for the same reasons as before and saying he doesn't think he can never hold a relationship and that he loves me.
I am obviously devastated as I don't think this is the answer but I don't know what to do, I haven't seen him since he left last Sunday and he hasn't been texting me either (unlike last time) everyone including his parents are telling me to walk away but how can I walk away from the man I love? I want to be there to help him through anything but he's shut down everything and is not communicating with me! What do I do?? Do I walk away? Is there no hope?
His mum doesn't help the situation as she has always picked up the pieces that he has left behind, he has never had to or been encouraged to stand on his own two feet or take responsibility, he has been molicoddled by her for 25 years, I understand that she is his mum but I don't think that this has helped him or encouraged him to try and stand in his own two feet.
Thanks in advance, your advice will be very helpful
I see lots of red flags in what you've said - if his mother/family are so involved with his life to that extent and he lets them do all sorts of things for him, I think he'll find it too difficult to split himself away from them.. He sees them as total safety and a mental sanctuary away from the world. I think he will have difficulty transferring his trust and safety needs into someone else long term.
The additional MH problems with voices may be difficult for him to deal with.
I admire your wanting to be with him - but I think you may be making a rod for your own back if you want him back.
It's mostly his mum, the dad never had any input in his up bringing, the mum, gran and aunt took control of everything.
He needs to want to break away from that and his mum needs the self awareness to let go, otherwise it is very sadly too toxic for anyone. Is his mother control freakiness autistic or is it more like narcissism?
Remember you need to look after number 1, yourself. You can't take on a controlling toxic family.
I think that they have become a symbiotic organism. He chooses not to separate himself and she doesn't let go either.
I think it will be impossible to pry him away.
I think it's narcissism to be honest. I do love his mum, she has helped me with alot and I know that it's hard for her as he's her only child, he was 3 months premature so she nearly lost him so I can understand why she's so obsessed with him but she isn't helping him in the long run.
I know the sad thing is that I never wanted to take him away from her, I only wanted to show him that he can live an independent life that he always told me he wanted. I know he's capable because when his parents have gone away on holiday for 2/3 weeks he has been fine and enjoyed living an adult life.
2 or 3 weeks is a fixed period of instability with a known ending back to the comfort zone. I suspect he will have difficulty with the concept of leaving home for good and not going back to live there every now & then.
I guess so, thank you all for your advice and input. This has helped me so much