New here, need advice on boyfriend that always leaves

Hello there, I am new here and was looking for some advice but before you do let me tell you my story:

Two weeks ago my boyfriend of two years was told that he was on the autistic spectrum, this did not come as a shock to me as I knew he had dyspraxia and correct me if I'm wrong there are a few similarities or it's also a part of the autistic spectrum? We haven't had the best two years, we have had out ups and downs for example: June last year he ended things two days before we were meant to go on holiday and just left me in his house with his parents and I didn't see him for 6 weeks. We managed to work things out and he explained that he felt like a bad boyfriend as he found being in a relationship overwhelming and hard to understand as he overthinks every little thing that would just go over my head and it's unpredictable. I told him that if we both want this relationship to work then we both need to work at it. 

Since we've been together I knew he also had mental health issues due to childhood memories and bad relationships so I knew it would take time for him to feel safe with me but I was also on guard due to him just leaving me out of the blue a few months back (he really broke my heart) fast forward to now, him and I moved in to a house owned by his parents this was to see how he would cope in the adult world, his mood has been low for a few weeks and he has spoken to me about it saying he's hearing voices and is afraid he may have schizophrenia. I told him that I am here to support him through anything. He ended up leaving our home on the Sunday saying he needed space and I respected that (I read that people with autism need some space and alone time) when I came home on the Thursday I found a half typed (which I'm sure his mum typed), half written letter ending our relationship for the same reasons as before and saying he doesn't think he can never hold a relationship and that he loves me.

I am obviously devastated as I don't think this is the answer but I don't know what to do, I haven't seen him since he left last Sunday and he hasn't been texting me either (unlike last time) everyone including his parents are telling me to walk away but how can I walk away from the man I love? I want to be there to help him through anything but he's shut down everything and is not communicating with me! What do I do?? Do I walk away? Is there no hope? 

His mum doesn't help the situation as she has always picked up the pieces that he has left behind, he has never had to or been encouraged to stand on his own two feet or take responsibility, he has been molicoddled by her for 25 years, I understand that she is his mum but I don't think that this has helped him or encouraged him to try and stand in his own two feet. 

Thanks in advance, your advice will be very helpful 

Parents
  • He might have done this to protect you. I don't believe it is necessarily about rejecting you and wanting to be alone. He wrote he loves you.  It is about fear of being a burden. This thing about voices needs to be clear. Did you know about this? Is that a new thing for all involved? It is best to take control of all issues like this before entering relationships. It is probably right that he needs to step back and get on top of this voices issue. He needs some time to get on top of that and be ready for the next step in his life.

    I don't necessarily agree with Flont's view that relationships are on or off. You know relationships are very ambiguous and unscripted, you create them as you go along, both people do, and people do mutually run one after another in real relationships. I was in a few long multiyear relationships that were not at all simple black and white on or off. It all depends on how he sees himself, his motivation and determination to lead a full independent life.

    If you need closure, probably it's to be certain that he exhausted his aspirations and genuinely doesn't want to grow further. His mental health crisis or his family or his insecurity are temporary. You may give him a little time.  

    When I was young I dated a man who I now know probably was autistic. We were in similar jobs and lifestyles, he was very high functioning and wanted to find a partner. We were not really compatible, but not at all because of his autism. Biggest factor was his toxic family. They aggressively protected him and were over controlling of me and him and were mixing religion in it, which I now understand were their way to protect him, but the result is that they isolated him.  I've seen him many years later, a middle aged man single walking with his mum. Not what he wanted. At some point families need to let go and let him dive in and hurt a little as all relationships do.  Aspies need to dive in the deep end of life, only they can do it. 

    If he reaches back to you, and you are still interested, help him to emancipate as it were. 

    But you need to cut your losses too, as in all relationships. It is up to you.

Reply
  • He might have done this to protect you. I don't believe it is necessarily about rejecting you and wanting to be alone. He wrote he loves you.  It is about fear of being a burden. This thing about voices needs to be clear. Did you know about this? Is that a new thing for all involved? It is best to take control of all issues like this before entering relationships. It is probably right that he needs to step back and get on top of this voices issue. He needs some time to get on top of that and be ready for the next step in his life.

    I don't necessarily agree with Flont's view that relationships are on or off. You know relationships are very ambiguous and unscripted, you create them as you go along, both people do, and people do mutually run one after another in real relationships. I was in a few long multiyear relationships that were not at all simple black and white on or off. It all depends on how he sees himself, his motivation and determination to lead a full independent life.

    If you need closure, probably it's to be certain that he exhausted his aspirations and genuinely doesn't want to grow further. His mental health crisis or his family or his insecurity are temporary. You may give him a little time.  

    When I was young I dated a man who I now know probably was autistic. We were in similar jobs and lifestyles, he was very high functioning and wanted to find a partner. We were not really compatible, but not at all because of his autism. Biggest factor was his toxic family. They aggressively protected him and were over controlling of me and him and were mixing religion in it, which I now understand were their way to protect him, but the result is that they isolated him.  I've seen him many years later, a middle aged man single walking with his mum. Not what he wanted. At some point families need to let go and let him dive in and hurt a little as all relationships do.  Aspies need to dive in the deep end of life, only they can do it. 

    If he reaches back to you, and you are still interested, help him to emancipate as it were. 

    But you need to cut your losses too, as in all relationships. It is up to you.

Children