Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello there, I am new here and was looking for some advice but before you do let me tell you my story:
Two weeks ago my boyfriend of two years was told that he was on the autistic spectrum, this did not come as a shock to me as I knew he had dyspraxia and correct me if I'm wrong there are a few similarities or it's also a part of the autistic spectrum? We haven't had the best two years, we have had out ups and downs for example: June last year he ended things two days before we were meant to go on holiday and just left me in his house with his parents and I didn't see him for 6 weeks. We managed to work things out and he explained that he felt like a bad boyfriend as he found being in a relationship overwhelming and hard to understand as he overthinks every little thing that would just go over my head and it's unpredictable. I told him that if we both want this relationship to work then we both need to work at it.
Since we've been together I knew he also had mental health issues due to childhood memories and bad relationships so I knew it would take time for him to feel safe with me but I was also on guard due to him just leaving me out of the blue a few months back (he really broke my heart) fast forward to now, him and I moved in to a house owned by his parents this was to see how he would cope in the adult world, his mood has been low for a few weeks and he has spoken to me about it saying he's hearing voices and is afraid he may have schizophrenia. I told him that I am here to support him through anything. He ended up leaving our home on the Sunday saying he needed space and I respected that (I read that people with autism need some space and alone time) when I came home on the Thursday I found a half typed (which I'm sure his mum typed), half written letter ending our relationship for the same reasons as before and saying he doesn't think he can never hold a relationship and that he loves me.
I am obviously devastated as I don't think this is the answer but I don't know what to do, I haven't seen him since he left last Sunday and he hasn't been texting me either (unlike last time) everyone including his parents are telling me to walk away but how can I walk away from the man I love? I want to be there to help him through anything but he's shut down everything and is not communicating with me! What do I do?? Do I walk away? Is there no hope?
His mum doesn't help the situation as she has always picked up the pieces that he has left behind, he has never had to or been encouraged to stand on his own two feet or take responsibility, he has been molicoddled by her for 25 years, I understand that she is his mum but I don't think that this has helped him or encouraged him to try and stand in his own two feet.
Thanks in advance, your advice will be very helpful
I know this is probably not what you want to hear and of course it is just my personal opinion based on what I've read of your situation, but if he has walked away from the relationship then you have to accept that. The fact that he has a diagnosis doesn't change the reality that when one person says the relationship is over, it is over. I know heartbreak is awful and when you love someone it is the worst feeling in the world to walk away. But if he has expressed that he doesn't think he can be in a relationship, and he isn't contacting you, then (at least for now) it's over.
You probably want answers and want to better understand why he feels and thinks the way he does. It's really difficult to say because everyone on the autism spectrum (just like everyone who isn't) is unique and an individual. He may not even know himself, and maybe he is even making this decision for the wrong reasons. But that doesn't change his decision. Maybe he will contact you again in the future. Maybe, if he does, you will be in a different place in your life and have some perspective on the relationship.
I've been in a relationship for 20 years. We've worked at it, we've had our ups and downs. But neither of us have ever, ever had to run after the other person to make them stay in the relationship. We've actually discussed this and we both agree that the relationship only exists as long as we both want it to.
You have to think of your own well-being too. You deserve someone who really, whole-heartedly wants to be with you - without hesitation, without reservation. I know you want to be there to support him through anything and everything, but what about the support that you need?
Thank you for your advice