Composer's Syndrome?

This will be about the autistic spectrum and NPD but I gotta spit first, sorry.  I am in my sixties and sick and freakin tired of being beaten by those who are less able, less intelligent, less sensitive and altogether less brilliant than me MY WHOLE LIFE.  I thought I was going to be a - dunno really, superstar, concert pianist, composer, celebrated person talking to the media... I have experienced what I now know is autism burn-out a couple of years ago.

I am hurt right now because I have just been rejected (that word!!) by an educational establishment, a conservatory, to study for a master's degree in composition.  It was something I sorely wanted to do to get my life back on track.  Because the truth is that I have spent my whole life playing keyboards, writing music, and quite often, talking to the media, the national media. I got quite near to something but couldn't grasp it.  And I think that is to do with autism.  I can't play people in the way I can now see that others do.  That's something to do with not knowing what I "want" or need as well as problematic socialising.

I didn't get any higher education because my father blocked my wishes to study art and my teachers had never recognised my intelligence, ASD not known about then. I left school and started writing music for a heavy rock fusion band, like any good autistic muso kid. Boom!  Dark depressing music.  The important factor here is my father.  He was also a musician, a capable singer but he chose security in a regular job. His father was a musician and his father before.  My father, grandfather and great grandfather once all sang in the same choir.  I am sure my father was autistic and there is diagnosed autism now elsewhere in my family. But I think it may be a particular kind of autism which I haven't seen identified which is linked to Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Dad was, in my opinion, classic NPD.  I think I am.  A striking promo photograph of my grandfather is overly posed - he sought professional work.  I think Dad didn't want me to study because he didn't like the idea of me succeeding. I think he was the only person who actually knew how well I understood music from a very early age, I know he did.

There are interesting posts on other forums about Asperger's and NPD, some about very successful people.  I suppose that if I were to say there are certain traits in my family they would include high IQ, a successful narrow field of focus somehow coupled with a pressing need to perform.  My Dad was a very busy amateur, and a very real Agamemnon.  I love the stage but I think my strength is composing.  I do have NPD type traits, disturbingly identical to my fathers but I know that I don't have to be seen to be appreciated.  Asperger's is a self-centred condition and to some extent everyone will exhibit these traits, according to other blogs and I agree.  But I think I am particularly difficult. I have a couple of friends but no peers.  That's what I am looking for in trying to get into a conservatory.  There is something in me that could turn into Marilyn Manson but I have the musical brains that means I can write for large ensembles.  No one ever taught me a thing.  It scores little it seems.

I was going to write some fantastic stormy music dealing with challenging themes - autism for one. I wonder what number of the graduate students that beat me will still be writing music in forty years?  Grrrrrrrrrrr!

NB to NAS:  NPD or Narcissism is not on the available tag list

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