13 year old son self medicating with weed

Hi everyone!

I have a 13 year old son who I believe has PDA. He's recently been self medicating with smoking weed and I really don't know how to deal with him or this situation.

It started in the summer, we tried all the usual methods of punishment such as grounding him, taking his stuff off him, turning off the WiFi etc. He doesn't seem to understand consequences and ran away because we refused to turn the WiFi on. We grounded him and he climbed out of the window in the middle of the night to visit his friends! We tried taking his mobile phone and he became violent, I called the police and he didn't even care. He just sat there and smirked in front of the officer and was disrespectful. He has punched doors, mirrors and throws objects at us if we challenge him on his rudeness or try and take control of a situation regardless of consistency in our approach.

I regularly search his room and confiscate anything to do with weed or smoking. I do not give him any money but he 'earns' his share by rolling for others and he seems to know a lot of other teens who use it so is always able to access it even without any money.

 

I have tried talking to him to reassure him that we (his parents) are here to support him trying to stop and this is a dangerous path he is taking but he is so cocky, he just tells me that all his mates do it and there is no need to worry! He does it to reduce anxiety and 'chill'.

 

He was supposed to be assessed in school by an ed psych in September but refuses to go to school a lot so the ed psych made a home visit and chatted to his dad and I instead. We agreed on things like him not having to wear a full school uniform (he wears black skinny jeans and smart black trainers instead), also rather than going to internal exclusion most of the time as this was proving an ineffective method of punishment for him to sit with his head of year instead. He is struggling to go to school at all at the moment even on a reduced timetable and I feel it is only a short matter of time before he is permanently excluded due to his persistent rudeness and inability to do anything he is told to in the class room.

 

We tried taking him to counselling in the summer, but he refused to engage with the counsellor making our sessions pointless. 

His behaviour is making both his dad and I ill and we are now struggling to cope with him. We have a younger child aged 11 with ASD but his behaviour is not aggressive and we are not having any issues with him.

We cannot go on living like this, unfortunately we do not have any relatives he can stay with to give us a break, I know if I called social services he would never forgive me. Does anyone have any idea how I can move forward?

Any strategies or advice would be welcome as we are desperate, and his abusive behaviour is scaring our younger son which I cannot continue to allow.

Many thanks Marie

  • This is the first time I've posted, joined today after 2 years of struggling with depression, anxiety and stress, before having eureka moment when I started researching Autism, for the first time in my life (early 30s) I felt like I'd found my people.

    I would really recommend looking up Johann Hari and his book Chasing the Scream for anyone unsure about drugs, self medication and our understanding of addiction, he makes a good argument for self medication although as with everything I think moderation is they key. One of the best, most well researched books I've ever read, although I wouldnt recommend it for younger readers, some of the accounts of the people he's interviewed are beyond awful.

    He's also written a book about depression, I've not read it yet but I expect after reading Scream that it would shed some insight that's sorely lacking in mainstream medical information.

    Being genuinely honest I wouldnt be here without the greenery, it helped me calm my mind and also my anger as my depression started, and allowed me the time to 'check out' without doing something awful (I guess most of us have had suicidal thoughts when depressed and searching for connections).

    I think the main thing is not to allow it to become a habit, more of a soother. I can liken it to having a glass of wine after a stressful day at work, if its everyday and a whole bottle it might be an issue, but the occasional glass wont hurt.

    On another note, it feels incredible to have finally found my people! Not sure about anyone else but after a life of feeling like an observer to the world and people, I felt like I was reading my own autobiography within most of these forum posts.

    Best of luck with your son :)

  • Ok thank you Jenny Butterfly for the reply

  • Sorry Jenny Butterfly no offence or anything but how old is your older son now when you said he is now an adult I am not looking to flirt with anyone or anything just curious to know that's all?

  • I would give him cash for more.. But - use CBD tincture or oil. Now fully legal and avalable over the counter. 

    Cannabis is the best thing ever - It is inhaling smoke that is not ideal. 

    It is a crime - that users are criminals in the eyes of the law

  • I just looked up genesis 1:29 and in verse 30, it says he gave us every ‘green’ plant as food for all the wild animals ~ me and my (autistic) friend once pondered if we were like feral cats, like wild animals, so maybe we are and the green stuff was intended for me afterall! ;) 

  • Well said. You make some excellent points. I enjoyed reading this. 

  • The Parents of their child are doing the right thing, They are concerned for his welfare. From his mothers information I presume that the son was not perverted to smoke "Weed" by them.

    You are obviously an adult living your own life and society could not care less what an adult does.

    I personally believe if Normal home grown plants are self consumed, fermented or whatever that should not be a criminal offence, but at the moment even possessing "weed" is illegal to possess.

    Your reference to genesis 1:29  is correct to but only to some extent. The Bible reference is to seeds,

    You can possess Budgie seeds lawfully for food for your self or your budgie. from my reading of half a century ago when it was first realised that cannabis plants could be grown from budgie seed but it was not skunk. I don't know if it is still in the budgie mix.

    If you had cannabis seeds, For Food purposes as with collected magic mushrooms you must not have them stored in measured bags or containers that has been construed in Court with collected MM's in plastic bags after being weighed out as prepared for supply. Similarly possessing the scales used for weighing them out, all part of the evidence to be put before the court, when the user/collector said they were for his use. The same goes for drying them, again construed as preparation for supply. 

    You are right that communication has been broken, and a professional family advisor may be the best person to help them in this matter.

    But you are wrong in relation to prescribed medication being usless.

    My severely autistic son used to attack us for no apparent obvious reason having other than It might be that I have spoken to my wife or Vice Versa, or it is Saturday, having not had any medication until about 25, He has now been on Risperidone for the last 10 years it has definitely helped. It has to be authorised by a Psychiatrist.

  • Police advice is primarily to cover themselves legally. It is the opposite to an effective resolution. Remember the law society swears an oath to protect the law society (financially) so their advice is typically based on whatever keeps them all in a job. Sad but true. 

    By going tooutside authorities it mixes mixes in a whole bunch of for-profit Players who do not care of you and your kids end up dead or in jail. They will exasperate at drama and they will do what their jobs are worth. None of that helps your son or you aside from a temporary feeling that sanity exists somewhere. I recommend you to read Dr Eric Berne book called The Games People Play. If only the first few chapters. It helps to be able see what’s going on all over human society. It’s in laymen’s terms so it’s easy to grasp the basics. 

  • https://youtu.be/gX4EFwv76Vg

    Please watch this. It helps re-train you to fix broken bonds with your kids. Healing is all about communication. 

    He smokes for two reasons. One, comfort - which he needs and deserves regardless its source - and two, addiction, a secondary problem.

    I smoked weed 14-28 and it did not heal me, it postponed the healing until I was ready, which then too another 13 years to date. Quitting weed took 6-7 years after I made the decision. I had to drop peer group and parents first, as part of the healing. 

    Had I never smoked, had I been able to cope with family and my history, I would have dropped them ASAP. I’d be further ahead by now. The weed was a comfort blanket and that became a smother, it’s not a healer. It’s a step toward healing however because that comfort is required however long it takes. Pharma is useless, worse than weed. Better green than chemicals. 

    Stop adding to his stress load. It’s regressive. That’s the big advice in this situation. Change the relationship dynamic. All the weight is on him to change and that pressure causes dis-ease, his smoking weed is a response to that. 

    Nobody ever died from weed. Medical research and Shamen all say it’s brilliant stuff. The biggest risk is the police, for which you ask a judge about genesis 1:29 and what ultimately empowers his judicial oath. People have been acquitted in uk using that. The cops don’t care about that though, they also create stress because it’s their job, nothing personal. Right to remain silent, just tell them “I got autism” and sleep peacefully in the cell until they let you go. A duty solicitor is on their side, not yours. 

    The new super skunk weeds are a totally different thing. They are designed to be addictive, not to heal. That’s the real concern here. Putting off healing by getting spaced is one thing - his internal decision to conform and achieve to success in society is not something which can be forced, although it can be subtly guided. That takes a longterm patience and understanding. Punishment is going to make it worse. 

    If / when he gets violent, walk away. Do not feed angry. You can not be reasonable with someone who is un-reasonable. Wait until it blows out and he will feel sad and possibly apologetic. It’s like a kids temper tantrum - the more you feed into it the worse it gets. So starve the anger, it will break, into sorrow. Psychology. The sorrow and regret is where you begin healing your relationship and rebuilding, because it’s come internally from him. Can not be forced until the anger breaks. 

    Weed manages his anger by avoiding facing it. If he can’t control it, which he can’t, it will break. If you feed it, you’re the target. Get out of there until he’s sorry. 

    Better than weed is self discipline which develops from self defense training. That’s what I’d be encouraging him toward, subtly though so he doesnt reject it. Outlet for anger plus internal discipline and recognition for achievement. It costs a bit but it famously is known to work. Not boxing, a dojo which trains internal discipline skills through martial arts, whatever form is available in your area. It’s a lifestyle, even an hour a week, which means a fresh start to shift the routine of current home life into a positive focus. Plus martial art peer group will help discourage weed too. 

    A lot of his issues is puberty. This will change in the next few years as he stabilizes and meets girl/s. Please don’t call the police again, he’s lost trust of you for that and see’s you as a threat on a primal level. You need to understand each other and heart to heart sbout emotions and breaking the negative cycle you’re all in. 

    Take deep breathe, yoga breathing. Calm the blood, calm the temper. All of you. These traumatic experiences can, in time and with positivity and patience, bring families closer and help understand each other and yourselves a lot deeper. It seems like you are all reactionary, where you need to be de-escalating situations. 

    Comedy. Get some comedy dvds. Laughter - at ourselves and situations, it’s a great healer too. Laughing directly at anger aggravates the angry while dis-empowering them internally so be careful of that specific situation. When things are more sedate - laugh together. The laughing Buddha didn’t smoke weed and he’s worshipped internationally for his guidance. Must be something in it. 

  • While it is highly probable that the son in question has some form of autism, He has no official diagnosis only his mother's belief he has PDA He should be taking prescribed drugs for his symptoms he needs to see a pediatric psychiatrist or similar.

    I did not say the police would turn his home over for a spliff, I said his mother has in as many words indicated he has a source of income from being paid some how for some how supplying his mates with spliffs. should they get caught with the spliffs they will indicate where they got them perhaps also to their parents who may well call the police. My point was supplying is very serious. and should the police decide to turn over the boys home, and find nothing to support their reason to search, like not finding a Drone.  ie  they can be made to pay damages, however should they find ANY drugs or ANYTHING that support their reason to decide to search the property, They will not pay for any damage, ANY drugs means just that a few crumbs in a Grinder, a single spliff is a huge by comparison.ANYTHING could mean a grinder, scales whatever. I sad CAB because i felt the mother should at least know where to start looking legal wise should the worst happen.

    This Cocky, Disrespectful, Violent, Rude, youth who Frightens his younger autistic brother must be made aware of the consequences of his actions on his parents upon which his home based security and wellbeing depend.

    He needs drugs, but from a doctor. My son is on Risperidone, Others above have similar drugs.

  • Also from direct experience police don't just destroy your home for having one spliff these days it's a caution. Dealing is a different matter as is cultivation but they need evidence. And to think they would go after a 13 autistic child... 

    Scare tactics aside, try drugs councilors but not through cab. Doctors can refer to adaction or similar but most gps will not so so for weed as no proof of medical addiction. I get this info from having had two brothers with severe drug addiction (heroin) so had to watch what it did to my family 

  • Cases of "weed induced psychosis" are very rare and have as far as I know been in mentally ill people.

    Where as your nice legal alcohol and tobacco kill. 

    Weed does not there has not been one death DIRECTLY caused by weed (obviously people doing stupid things while stoned happens) 

  • Weed actually seems to help my older son to manage his moods (including anger and rage), although I still have concerns about its longer term use and the way in which some (cheaper)/strains seem to reduce anger but at the expense of exacerbating anxiety.  

    He's an adult now and we do allow him to smoke or vape here at home because we feel that's safer, we want to support him in his efforts to regulate his moods and we don't want to drive this behaviour underground or run the risk of him just storming out altogether. 

    But at the same time we are waiting for a mood stabiliser to be prescribed once he's had blood tests and this had been delayed due to the Christmas break.  

    I would much rather cannabis could be prescribed for him or that I could choose the most beneficial strain and grow it organically here at home.  Then I wouldn't have doubts about the quality and purity of the product.  But I guess any change to the law is some way off.

    Would your son be open to discussing the issue, including more detail as to why he needs to self medicate and any other strategies that might help?

  • Hi, 

    I really did not want to comment as I have never tried any form of Drugs other than Alcohol and Tobacco, I was addicted to tobacco for over 20+ years from the age of 14 and was certainly making New year resolutions from the age of 15 to stop smoking, I realised I was addicted when I was standing at a cigarette machine at 2 am half a mile away in carpet slippers. I drink barely 1 or 2 units a week on average, but in my younger days, I sometimes drank to excess, mainly boredom or with Mates as was normal mid 50's to 70's.

    I am aged 79 and have a severely autistic son , but from what you write Your Son's behaviour  could well be the result of his use of a Psychotic Drug (Weed) and his being addicted to it and cannot withdraw from it.

    As you indicate you do not encourage his (Weed) drug taking, currently an illegal substance, which he takes on your premises, You and his Father could well be prosecuted for allowing it on the Premises, This may well include your Landlord if your property is rented.

    You indicate that he has drugs Paraphernalia in his room and no doubt hidden elsewhere possibly with weed. .and that he "earns money" supplying others either directly, or as part of a Drugs supplying gang. He should be aware the Law will come down on him like a ton of Bricks. That is a very serious Crime.

    When ever your stroppy son is stopped by the police for whatever minor offence he may do as he will in today's world. The Police or bein reported by anybody with a grudge against you or your son,your son can smell weed on his clothing as it will come out normally in his sweating.

    The first thing the Police will do will be to search his bedroom, and build a case against your angry son.

    If they suspect he is involved in some way with supplying drugs, even 1 spliff, They might come through your Front door at 5 a, arrest all present and turn your home and garden over with a dog looking for evidence.

    They will not pay a penny for the damage if they find as little as 1 spliff.

    Depending on whether you own or rent your home, Your trouble may only be just starting.

    I suggest that you seek legal help from the CAB, 

    DONT ASK THE POLICE FOR ADVICE unless through a solicitor. as they may well put you on a TO DO list,The same goes for the Council, and his School. who will want to solve their Problem you have dumped on them without any budget the easiest way possible ie inform the Police, their problem with your son solved.

    I personally could not care less about Weed taking, I think it should be legal to grow your own. but not supply.  

    Your Son  going to cause you great distress and should be made aware of the consequences. SEEK HELP NOW.

  • Yes he said it did start to work but the dry mouth was too unbearable hence why he stopped. Good luck - hopefully you won't get a dry mouth!

  • Hi Marie, when my parents tried to stop me when I was younger, I simply left home. I used to live with one friend at her parents house and after a while I went to live with another friend. My parents did however, begrudgingly, come to accept me smoking dope/weed after I demanded that my mum listen to what I said about it and then try it with me, which she did. They could never have stopped me and when they did try to stop me from doing things, I simply started to tell lies to them, which I hated and it put an even greater gap between us. 

    I never smoke it when I have a problem that I need to sort out. Weed helps me but not when I have a problem. I never knew exactly how it helped, that awareness came to me only recently. 

    As someone else suggested, talk to him about it. After talking to him you could say that you will accept it as the most important thing is that you keep an open, loving, supportive relationship between yourselves and it will make him feel like you value and respect him if you appear to go easier on him after listening to what he has to say. He will feel like making you proud rather than hating you because you totally reject his smoking. I don’t think life with an autistic child will ever be easy or simple and it does take being outside of the box sometimes. Best wishes X

  • Sorry just curious did it help with fibromyalgia as my pain management specialist is suggesting that is the cause of my chronic pain, and would love to know if it helped pain? Partner has been suggesting weed for years! As I know it works for pain but hate the feeling of being stoned!