Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone
My name is James. I'm 33 years old and and have suffered from anxiety, depression and isolation since I was a child.
This year I hit rock bottom and started counselling sessions at a local church as I did not want to pursue medication. My counsellor was interested by my diverse interests and talents and encouraged me to read about autism. I knew absolutely nothing about either autism or Aspergers. I've now read a few different books and have filled in various online tests and am totally sure that I am living with Aspergers. The realisation was very sudden and emotional. I experienced a massive surge in energy and alleviation of guilt for my past failures, e.g. inability to maintain steady jobs or friendships, constant and humiliating social fumblings. This was followed by a crisis of confidence, as it began to sink in that I have quite serious deficits which will never go away. I have been dwelling a lot on my past and experiencing sadness for my child self who was constantly excluded and did not receive any support. It has been very frustrating.
I visited my GP in March, who has referred me to a psychologist. I have filled out an autism/ADHD screening questionnaire and am now waiting for a formal diagnosis. I am quite worried about the actual diagnosis procedure as I do not really speak to my parents and I have no-one to bring anyone along that knew me as a child. I feel that I require some extra support, as I am half way through a PhD and struggling with my work, not because of technical difficulties, but due to problems with people, loud noises and lack of attention. I also worry what lies ahead once my PhD is through - I'm not sure I'll be able to hold down a steady job, especially not in high level science.
Anyway, that is my story so far. I'd be especially keen to hear from anyone who also works in academia, or has ever considered downgrading their career, despite expectations, to live a simpler life.
Cheers!
You are doing so well James, incredibly well in fact. You are exquisite in your processing skills and what you are experiencing now, is a taste of what’s to come.
It doesn’t matter what area of work you’re in, what matters is your mindset and you are priming yours very well.
You have to mourn and processes your childhood and your past life, before you can step fully into your new life.
In my experience it is both comforting and shocking, to realise you’re autistic and your journey to acceptance will be up and down.
You can approach your university now, for extra support. In fact this is crucial. And don’t think you can’t take time out, if you feel you need it. Listen to your body.
Allow yourself to feel the pain and sorrow for the little you. This is your opportunity to make peace with the past, but you also have to go through the emotions and give right consideration and periods of mourning to all the loss’s that you will encounter.
You can contact the assessment team and ask for more information regarding the procedure and where the assessment will be held, ask what can you expect, will there be any after care. Maybe take some time to write a list of all the questions you have. You can also ask your university for assistance with this process and you are also entitled to advocacy support. Just make sure you get some support from somewhere.
There are practical things that you can also consider, such as noise cancelling headphones, sensory therapies and things like that.
Don’t downgrade your desires, in fact, make them bigger. But first of all, get some support now to help you through this process, which can get bumpy. But please know, that with the right support, you will achieve whatever you want to achieve, but it’s a process, made up of one small step after another.
Oh, and if you can get your parents to go with you to your assessment, it will make the diagnosis more robust, but if you can’t you can’t. My mother didn’t end up going with me but I still got the diagnosis. On reflection though, I would of liked her to be there but she did tell me some things after I got the diagnosis which she had never told me before and that kind of sealed the deal for me, but I would have liked her to be there.
Thanks for your kind encouragement.