Lost generation woman

Hi! I’m over 60 and recently diagnosed ASD. I’ve spent an awful life of being misdiagnosed and even incarcerated, due to the psychiatric services in the second half of the 20th Century having rigid ideas about what mental illness is. Or what it isn’t. Now they can’t get their heads around ASD, and PTSD caused largely by their mistreatment, actually causes depression. They don’t even understand ‘are you hearing voices?’ leads the the logical conclusion ‘Yes. Yours!’ I see the funny side now. Over 45 years too late. I am a whole person, with positive as well as negative attributes. Psychiatrists really do seem incapable of seeing anything other than negatives in patients, in my experience. I think things are improving for the young generation. How many other lost people like me were there? How many are still out there? How do we learn at such a late stage to help ourselves be the best version of ourselves we can be? I am a successful, musical, empathetic person. I am at last finding my wings, like a teenager in a body falling apart!!!! I would love to support other people. And I think it’s so important to each be ourselves. The kids at school these days think they are being so individual ..... yet they all want the same phone/trainers etc. I do believe people should learn to be more tolerant of differences. But what do I know? I’m a 17 year old trapped in a sixty plus year body.

  • - you could be called ‘working it out’ and you’re doing an excellent job of it. I employed the same mindset and strategy that you have and it served me well. 

    I too prefer the slow boat rides :) 

  • Hi NAS24938. Good to hear from you. BlueRay is very wise and encouraging. I’d just like to say Hi! Neither of us is alone in our experiences. PTSD is caused by abuse, being bullied etc quite  often. Life has been painful for you, but it’s looking like it will get better. I hope that for both of us, and anyone else on this rollercoaster ride of life. I prefer slow boat rides anyway. Calm, peaceful and scenic. I’m at present working out who I really am and what I want to do, instead of doing stuff to please others. Otherwise I will cease to exist myself .... again. I’m trying to decide on a name for myself in this community. And, yes, I dress a bit young too!

  • Great to find someone who sees the beauty in simple natural things too. Good getting to know you BlueRay. You are a wise person indeed! I will enjoy this space.  I might even go out and blow some bubbles when I get bold enough!! Anyone for bubble blowing? !! 

  • Absolutely, we absolutely and unequivocally know absolutely nothing, there’s no doubt about that. And how fabulous, that you, a man who loves to learn, has so many things yet to explore!

    It’s not that you ‘can’t’ learn, but that you learn in a different way to the majority of people. That’s different to saying you struggle to learn. 

    I’m still learning how I learn and that in itself is a delightful dose of education. For example, I started going to a little art group, via a referral by my work coach, and through attending the group, I made a surprising discovery. 

    My ‘goal’ for the past year and a half, or however long it’s been, has been to create a daily routine so I can at least begin to start getting up every day, again. However, I also wanted to try and build some flexibility into my routine. I had no idea how I was going to achieve that seemingly impossible task though, but at this point, it wasn’t too important because I hadn’t even established a daily getting up/going to bed time yet. I had only just transitioned to having no distinction  between night and day to at least now having a distinction. 

    However, through participating in the art projects (and I’ve only been a few times so far), I noticed that my thinking was becoming less rigid and more expansive. I found this truly amazing and realised it was a subliminal effect I got from doing the art. 

    Following my realisation, I asked my art teacher, who had told me that she had moved from graphic design, to now teaching this more freestyle kind of art, how the experience had impacted on her life. 

    She had never considered that question before but it was interesting to note, that without her realising it, her life had also become more expansive and she had moved away from some old rigid and hurtful thought patterns etc. 

    So I realised, and I have since observed, that I learn in a very different way to most people and on further observations and reflections, it’s almost like I learn at a more energetic level which isn’t easy to put into words. But it showed me that it isn’t a matter that we can’t learn but that we simply need to find a way that works for us. 

    I currently have a very short attention span so I flip between YouTube, audiobooks, actual books and simply sitting and being, in silence, and slowly but surely I’m finding my groove and my learning style and my little attention span is slowly growing. So I’m super excited to begin exploring the endless amounts of interesting things to learn and I’m utterly delighted to know that if I lived a thousand years, there would still be more to learn. Learning is probably my deepest passion, so I know, that no matter how long I live for, I will always, absolutely always, be able to indulge in my passion for learning. 

    Ahhh, so it’s not that you want to be a writer, it’s that you would like to get paid for your writing to such a degree that you can spend all of your time writing. That’s quite another thing. So what is your plan and who is helping you with your plan? - because you know we can’t do it by ourselves, right? 

  • Hi NAS24838, you’re right, I’m very content and happy to be me; however, that wasn’t always the case. If you look back over some of my previous posts, you will see that my journey has been far from all love and light and pink candy floss. There were some very dark times along the way and even on here at one point, I became public enemy number one! Lol! Rejected and terrorised by my own people! 

    But I made it and like you, I had masked so well for the majority of my life that I had lost myself completely. However, there lies the secret. It turned out, that I HAD to lose myself to find myself and right here, the very place where you are now starting your journey, is where I started mine. 

    I couldn’t have done it without the tremendous amount of support that I received from this group and through being a part of this group. 

    Get in touch with your local authority and get them to find out where the adult autistic support groups are in your area. It was the best thing I ever did. I didn’t actually search for one. It happened by accident ~ or was it an accident? I had never even considered such a thing! 

    I was in town, going to my first job centre appointment after they moved me from ESA to Universal Credit and I started to have a meltdown on my way there. So I walked into the nearest shop and simply announced, I’m autistic, I’m having a meltdown, I need some help. And a voice said, seemingly from nowhere, oh, my son’s autistic and he’s stood over there, go and talk to him. So I did, and he calmed me down almost instantly and told me about a group that he goes to for autistic people. I managed to make my way to the job centre, only to melt down again, big time! I thought I heard the woman say I had to look for a job and I went crazy, telling them that there was no way I was going to look for a job. The woman tried to calm me down and brought the manager over to me to reassure me and confirm that they were not going to try and make me look for a job! 

    Anyway, I started going to the group and I loved it. However, it is now, slowly, turning into far more than just a lovely time once a week with people who are just like me. 

    My support worker said to me that it’s important that I keep in touch with these people. I didn’t know why, because as I have said elsewhere, I have no need for other people in my life. 

    However, I trust my support worker so I followed what she said and I have since met my friend (the guy who introduced me to the group), twice, outside of the group, and Whoah ~ I wasn’t expecting what was about to happen next! 

    I have since started to make an effort to go to the group more regularly, even when I don’t feel up to it, and I’ve started to form a real friendship with these people. It’s truly extraordinary because I have never desired this, I didn’t even know what a friendship was. Sure, I did the faking it thing and appeared to have friends but deep down these relationships were more about me ‘fitting in’ than real friendships. 

    But with thanks to my support worker, I am finally understanding, through experience, what the benefits to friendships really are. 

    I have found that they’re not an essential or vital part of our (or at least ‘my’) experience but they certainly add an element that I am so glad I found and they certainly make life a lot more enjoyable in a way that I couldn’t experience without them. They are finding a true place in my heart and in my life. They’re my family now, although I had to giggle when I was out with them the other day, because apart from me and my friend (only two of us boys [our little gang] were there that day) - they are all, actually, part of the same family! Lol! They’re bigger than a football team! But I’m a part of that now and to be honest, I’m still floating on the cloud of happiness of what this brings to my life. I don’t think I’ve even fully processed it all yet. 

    My AP worker said, when I met her yesterday, that it was the first time I had smiled as I walked in. We thought it might have something to do with the meeting not being at the job centre anymore ~ the last 3 times I’ve been in there I have nearly been thrown out. The more comfortable I am being me, the less tolerant I seem to be of things I find difficult. And without intention, as soon as I step into that place I start kicking off! But I think my smile, is also to do with the growing friendships in my life. 

    I lived like an nt for 50 years and it rendered me barely able to leave my bed, for more than 12 months. I never thought I would be suicidal again, after getting my diagnosis ~ how wrong was I! 

    The depth of pain, loneliness and despair, at times, was immense and intense, but it brought me to a place I could honestly not have ever imagined. 

    I’m not a religious person, but Jesus, (whoever he was or whatever he/it was) was right when he said that we have to know ourselves and seek first the kingdom of heaven to receive all that it has and is. 

    I’ll always be a traveller, but I also know that these people aren’t going anywhere and we’re connected by a golden thread that can’t be broken, so even as I travel the country/world, I will always come back to spend time with my family. It’s bizarre but I like it. So yeah, I absolutely encourage you to find a group and if you can’t find one, start one. There’s a ton of money and support out there to help get these types of groups up and running, so you need only a desire and you will be supported with the rest. 

    Welcome to your journey and I trust you will find this group and the wonderful members of it, as supportive as I have. It’s been a pleasure chatting with you. 

  • Thanks BlueRay....Good to hear from someone who walks this journey :) It is a crazy roller coaster...I have masked for so long that I have lost my very self....Youre so right...we need to know who we are....I really haven't had a clue were to start...I guess this is a good place with all u lovely people :) I wish there was some groups that cater for adults it would be good to finally meet like minded people....I have lived like an NT and its left me exhausted...and they still don't get me haha....You sound very content with being u and that's a great thing....

  • It’s not easy NAS24838 but it is soooooooooooo worth it, to get to know thyself.

    You’ve made the intention therefore it will happen and when it does you will experience heaven on earth and all that that entails, meaning, life will then be exactly as you want it to be. Good luck my friend.

    And yes, that makes perfect sense ~ I feel like I don’t exist ~ because in truth, we don’t, until we get to know ourselves and the first step is to intend that this is what we’re going to do.

    It can be a crazy roller coaster of a journey but when you get there, you realise that it was all worth it. 

    You guys are all older than me! I’m only 13 and a boy in a female body!!! Lol! But I’ve unleashed the boy and we’re happy together Blush haha, I’ve just realised, maybe that’s why I don’t need anybody else in my life, I’m already both girl and boy and we seem to make the perfect match! 

  • Me too ~ I can loose myself for hours in a single drop of dew on a single blade of grass which reflects all the colours of the rainbow in that one tiny droplet of rain ~ truly truly amazing! And as much as I love my time spent with my aspie friends, I also need a good few days to decompress from the interactions, which is just perfect, as I also happen to love spending time with just me :-D 

  • Hi I am so glad I read this today....Diagnosed aged 45 after a lifetime of feeling isolated and scared....Came from an abusive family and now have Ptsd also.....I struggle with Agoraphobia/Panic attacks Social anxiety and ended up in hospital 2  weeks before I was diagnosed with the Psychiatrist laughing at me for even suggesting I may be Autistic....The part were you said u feel like a 17yr old trapped in a sixty year plus body really resonates with me.....I even still dress like a teenager lol....so I still don't ever fit in with my peers and probably never will.....I feel lost...I am trying to know thyself as they say but finding it so difficult...I feel like I don't exist if that makes sense....

  • realising there's a vast body of knowledge of which I know nothing or very little

    For me, that is the definition of "educated". The more you learn, the more you realise there is so much that you don't know and can never know, but it doesn't stop you from trying.

    Ignorant or uneducated people, on the other hand, think they know everything, or that there is very little left to learn. For them, the latter is true, for they lack the capacity to learn anything more.

  • I honestly think we’re okay at socialising at our own level and on our own often interesting and random topics! I also see a lot of non verbal communication going on. Just not the way the majority communicate. Mind you, I need to decompress on my own too! Sometimes I just admire the beauty in nature. The colours reflected in a dewdrop or the intriguing formation of clouds. Other times it’s the familiar stains on my bedroom ceiling. 

  • Thanks. I like aspie hugs. () Me being a woman is more biological than relevant. Sometimes I do wonder what I am myself. I’ll think of a name to be here by. I am a person not a number after all! 

  • What does ‘uneducated’ feel like? I’ve never heard of that feeling before. 

    For me, it means realising there's a vast body of knowledge of which I know nothing or very little: the arts and sciences, politics, law, philosophy, foreign languages and culture, etc.  I haven't traveled much, either.  I pick stuff up piecemeal and entirely at random.  That, to me, doesn't constitute being 'educated'.  I don't necessarily mean formal education, either.  Qualifications don't interest me, and my lack of them doesn't bother me.  But I do definitely feel that I have an element of LD, which is why I've always struggled with learning new things.  Having said all that, of course - and dropping in what seems like a learned allusion! - I think it was Socrates who said something like the truly wise man is one who knows he knows nothing.  Or maybe it was Plato.

    I don't mean it in terms of 'completely uneducated', but 'lacking in education'.  Notwithstanding my comment on formal education, I truly envy people who had a great time at school and received a good enough grounding to set them up early.  I didn't even start reading seriously (at all, to be honest) until I was 26.  I feel like a computer with a huge amount of RAM and a vast-capacity hard drive - but in low-power mode and with malfunctioning input devices.

    And what is a writer?

    I think you know what I mean.  Anyone can be a cyclist.  They just need to jump on a bike.  Anyone can grab a knife out of the kitchen drawer and perform surgery on themselves.  That doesn't make them a surgeon.  I mean earning a living from it.  Being able to spend my entire life doing the thing I most love and which means the most to me (and yes, I know that you're already doing that - but again, you know what I mean).

  • Hi NAS38168,,it would be nice if you had a user name, but anyway just wanted to welcome you to your tribe/family. Community, call it what you feel happy with but please understand you have found the place you belong, with like minded caring and loving beings, non judgemental and ok some of us are still struggling to come to terms with our lives but with help and support from our family here we will start to feel joy.

    You sound like a 17 year old so good enough for me, I am a child at heart, age? Whatever fits for the moment in hand.

    I am mid fifties bodily.oh and a Male variety but not sure why that is relevant?

    Please allow me to offer you an aspie virtual hug, one of these ()

    you are under no obligation to accept but it is there and offered through kindness,

  • Me too, I just adore the conversations that I have with my friends at my local autism group and we’re all so darn interesting. Our conversations are so honest, innocent, random, non judgmental, naive and often childlike, they’re all sorts of things, nothing like the conversations I used to have with nt’s. I love it that all three of the boys I sit with would love girlfriends. It’s like I’m in a different world when I’m with them. It’s like being in my world but with them. If that makes sense. And it’s the unspoken invisible language that binds is and makes our conversations effortless. We’re all vastly diffetent yet we all share the invisible bond of autism and life really is so much more fun when you’ve got your pals. I also love that we’re all the same regarding friendships in that we like to keep it largely at the group. I like to spend most of my time by myself and social interactions, no matter how great they are, require time and space for me to process etc but we’re all the same ~ how perfect is that! None of us wants to be in the others pockets. So they’re like the best friendships in the world. I highly encourage everyone to join a group. Some people just sit there and don’t say much at all but they enjoy being in a space with others where they can be themselves. 

  • Hi BlueRay! That’s some really good ideas. Thanks. You sound really cheerful. I’ve always found quirky people interesting. Then someone called me quirky, so I don’t think it’s an insult. Also individual thinkers create, invent things and shape the world. Or they can lie down and dream about it! I will look into whether there’s a local group already. Thanks. Yes, doctors, surgeons etc are very skilled at what they do and are marvellous. I have still to get my head round the fact I have always behaved in a way the psychs etc couldn’t fathom. They are wired differently. Nobody’s fault. Not mine or theirs. I also recognise others who were ‘in the system’ but rejected. Not helped. Mistreated. I guess we were always there really. Enjoy doing a few things with your group. Keep young! 

  • What does ‘uneducated’ feel like? I’ve never heard of that feeling before. 

    And what is a writer? I thought it was a person who writes. I’m a writer. I always have been. Or at least I thought I was. I don’t write story’s or anything and sometimes I just write random words, just for the sake of writing. But mostly, I write as a way to help me process this world but I don’t read what I’ve written and it just gets thrown away when I pick up the energy to have a clear out. So I’m a writer, and always have been. I’m just wondering, what your definition of a writer is? I thought it was somebody who writes but you must have a different definition because I know you write. 

    And isn’t it great that we never grow up :-) I think it’s got to be one of the greatest benefits of being autistic. I love being a teenage boy even though I appear to be a 51 year old woman and I love that I’ve got my own little gang now, at my autism group, and we’re beginning to do all the things I never did or at least not fully, as a younger person, whatever that means, because I’ve always been young. My friend (female) sits with all the woman acting all grown up and talking about grown up things but me and the boys sit and play scrabble and have amazing, easy and often random, not matching, conversations with a bit of teasing sometimes. 

    It sounds like you’re still grieving, which is understandable, and from what I’ve learned, grieving takes it’s own time. I’m glad you can still bring a smile though, even if that’s hard to do sometimes. 

  • Hi Martian Tom! We have so much in common. I love writing, but due to only having 24 hours in the day I concentrate on music. If writing is your passion, go for it. I got a music degree as an immatuJoy very mature student. I like my own space and doing things alone. It can get lonely, but that passes. I do feel like a Benjamin Button. I was an overly wizened child, now I’m a teenager in my emotioJoy etc. If I don’t look in any mirrors I’m just fine. Joy Not sure why all the laughing emoticons happened. I only meant the last one. People are strange, but my phone is too!

  • Hey, you’re older than me. I’m a 13 year old boy in a 51 year old woman’s body, although for a moment the other day, I actually thought I was something else altogether, although I can’t remember what it was just now. I just know it amused me when I realised I wasn’t that but that I had thought I was! Lol! 

    I think our aspie brains are hysterical, but like you, it took me many years to see the funny side! 

    And yes, I tell the kids it’s great to be weird! I say the ones that aren’t are simply followers, they’re playing simple simon, they’re all doing the same things, they’re not using their own minds. But the weird ones, I say, they’re something else. They do what they want to do, not what somebody tells them to do and they don’t care what anybody else thinks about them. They’re brave. But I say it’s ok to be like that (the followers) as well, just don’t judge weird people. 

    It would be great if you set up a local support group. My support group has become my family. We’ve been out together today and a few of us (the boys) are starting a list of all the things we want to do, such as go ice skating, trampolining, lazer quest, etc as we’ve started to do trips as well now. Honestly, I can’t tell you what a difference having that group has made in my life and it was started by a mother who was struggling with her then undiagnosed son and now it’s for adults on the spectrum as well. I love it. There’s tons of support, including financial support, to help you set a group up. 

    And sadly, there are many more of us out there who still haven’t got a clue that they’re autistic. I think we’re like the first big wave of adults which means we now have an opportunity to tell the experts what’s really going on. They don’t really know, how could they? They observe our behaviours from the outside and come up with what they think is going on and it’s often inaccurate and as you said,  for those of us who lived undiagnosed, we have challenges particular to that and like you said, they seem to ignore the impact of all that. I’m certainly not ‘blaming’ them for anything, but things have an impact. Every action has a reaction or a consequence and they must be held accountable, if necessary, for their part otherwise things will never get better. And yes, the psychiatrists etc do see the negatives because the whole system is built around ill health and sickness. Doctors are trained this way. They’re not trained on how to achieve optimum health they’re trained to spot and treat illness and sickness. I rarely ever go to doctors, I’m one of those weird people who doesn’t go and doesn’t take her kids but I’ll be forever grateful to them since I got my diagnosis so I do have a lot more respect for them now. I think they’re truly amazing people, who have big hearts and massive intentions to help people, they’re just trained by the pharmaceuticals and they’re trained in sickness. Even with heart attacks, they perform invasive surgery when the problem could be turned around with diet, in most cases. But as you said, we’re definitely heading in the right direction and that’s great.  You sound like you’d be an amazing group leader. I’d love to come to your group. 

    Oh, and you absolutely can rebuild that body. The body is made up of trillions of cells that are constantly renewing themselves. If you nourish the cells by giving them what they need, it will rebuild and reclaim much of its youth. If you want to know what cells need, go into nature and look around. 

  • Hello, and welcome.

    I'm 59 now and was diagnosed 3 years ago, after a lifetime of bullying, challenges, mental health issues, misdiagnoses and misunderstandings - the usual stuff.  I have no friends, and never really have had.  I live alone now and prefer it that way.  I failed at school - or rather, school failed me.  I caught up a bit and went to uni at 28.  In spite of my degree, though, I still feel uneducated.  I've missed out on so much.  I've always been years behind other people - including emotionally.  Like you, I still feel like a teen.  I sometimes imagine my lack of education, the books I haven't read, the things I don't know as a mountain in front of me.  Each year that passes, that mountain gets higher and steeper, and it blots out more light.  All I have is a short rope to tackle it.  The more I try to climb, the more I find myself back in the foothills.  I sometimes wonder if it's too late now to even continue trying.  In my brief and all too infrequent periods of positivity, I tell myself It's never too late.  Keep it up.  Deep inside, I know that's true.  But I have things working against me.  I find it difficult to read now - difficult to focus on it.  I find it hard to study and retain knowledge.  All I've ever wanted to be, since a small child, is a writer.  It's the thing that's been with me throughout life - the bug in my head.  I've had a few things published - including a novel 5 years ago, which soon vanished - but haven't achieved what I've always striven for.  I look at that novel now, though, and realise I've still got a long way to go and a lot to learn yet.  At 59!  If anything happens, it will be a very late flowering indeed! 

    Yes... I can't help feeling that huge amounts of my life have been lost.  Wasted.  I'm one of those lost - but I'm trying hard to find my way through.

    Haha!  It's always amused me why people choose to express their individuality by copying everyone else!  People are strange, as Jim Morrison sang Slight smile