Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello there.
I have no idea what to write. Famous last words as I know that I'll be trying to slim it down by the time that I have finished.
I'm struggling, and have been since the day that I remember.
I feel overwhelmed at the moment which is making me write this post. Tomorrow I will self-refer to the local ASD service and plan to use this forum to update on progress, as I know that I personally have been looking for someone to relate to.
Without trying to be too specific, I am in my 20s and have had a very high profile role. It was brilliant, an amazing opportunity that I still cherish. But I no longer hold it. I believe my struggles were mostly to blame.
There have been many moments of red flags. I've worked for a mental health charity where the director raised in my supervision that I am too black and white. I am surprised that it wasn't suggested to me at that stage to discover this more. Instead our team did Myers Briggs tests where I scored INFP.
I'm a single gay man and have never had a relationship. I'm at the point where I don't even entertain the idea of a first date as it will not work out.
I despised the idea for a long time of living with someone, I currently lodge at someones house. They openly talk to their friends about how they're disappointed I just keep myself to myself. I go to work and I head straight to my room, something I have just always done. It is not because I don't like him, but I just can't comprehend sitting down and watching TV with him...
I struggle in jobs, I had to resign from a great opportunity last year as I was concerned about the behaviour of senior management, and that is where one of the mental health nurses mentioned that they thought I had Aspergers. I was so affected by what happened that I just couldn't let it go and move on.
I know this post is not making any sense, as I cannot make it flow, it is very hard to explain.
I did the Channel 4 ASD online test and scored very highly for anxiety, ASD and OCD. Yesterday I did the American deal with autism test and scored over 90% probability of being diagnosed with Asperger's.
I am not saying this as some sort of medal, obviously I hope that the medical route I take tomorrow will begin to clear things up. But I just want to be able to understand.
I am sure others will be able to make some sense of me!
Don't despair, you are not alone, just breathe and relax, it calms you as I do when I am in a quandary about something. Like you it was the people I work with and my family who noticed that I had 'autism'. What I suggest you do is write down a plan of action and contact the NAS helpline like I did when I went through a mental health crisis, I left my old job, gave up my antidepressants, was told off by my GP and ended up on the CMHT list.. I felt very vulnerable but I handled it and now have an official diagnosis which has improved my self confidence no end after being on anti-depressants for eighteen years. I am now coming off them, so take courage in both hands and let me know how you get on. Thinking of you at this moment in time, incidentally I work with autistic kids at a secondary school, no wonder they like me, takes one to know one. Debs xx I have also known many Gay friends who came out as Gay in the 1990's, well I thought I was gay but have come out as autistic instead,
Not very offen I have night out but when I do I try to going to quiet places and I have started to use noise cancelling ear plugs which help me. You are still very young I'm twice your age and still don't know how dating and relationships work. I can't understand them and I don't think they can understand me. At the moment I'm happy in being single. Good luck for tomorrow
Your post reads fine to me, I think it flows perfectly well and I can relate (as someone recently diagnosed with Asperger's) to much of what you describe re. social difficulties and black and white thinking.
These things are still very difficult for me to write about, explain, and even sometimes understand despite everything I've learned about autism in the past three months. I think that's perfectly 'normal' and to be expected considering we have spent a lifetime not knowing what our 'problem' was! It's a steep learning curve but ultimately worth it, I believe.
Good Luck with your referral! You will find lots of people on this forum to share your experiences of all aspects of referral and diagnosis and so I hope you will return and let us all know how you get on.
No I think it;s just the first stage of self-referral so will probably be form filling.
I do try to go on a night out but I can only handle an hour or two, and I can never stand in the middle of a venue, I always try to be by the door and not surrounded by people. I can't do small talk and really struggle with knowing whether someone is interested or not
Hi there, yes I relate to some of the thing you wrote. I keep to my self and get told that I'm very anti social. I might be different tfor you but When I had my ASD diagnosis a few month a go it was relief and I started to understand why I felt Like I did not fit in and had difficulty in social interaction. I understand in can't make it flow with me I can't get thing in the right order this happen with me in writing and speech vey frustrating. Don't think I was of any help but a big hello. Is it your assessment you going to tomorrow. Please let me know how it goes