Looking for people that might understand!

I've been thinking of doing this for a while but it has taken me a long time to pluck up the courage.

I have spent my whole life not quite fitting in and trying to work out why. I've gone round in circles for years but the answer I always seem to come back to is autism. I currently work with children with autism and I so often look at things they do and think I do that or feel that.

People often assume I'm a confident person because I'm generally very loud but this couldn't be further than the truth. In my head I'm always worrying about interacting with people and getting it wrong and I can't stand being centre of attention. I always feel like everyone's eyes are on me even when I'm amongst a group of people, like everyone is constantly judging me.

I find social interaction really difficult. It's not that I don't like being social, I just don't think I'm very good at it and get very anxious about it. I don't like busy/crowded places and can't stand anything like clubbing which people don't seem to understand. I can't follow conversations very easily if there's more than say 3 people involved. I find it hard to get in there with what I want to say and always get told that I'm interrupting. People often describe me as being aggressive but I'm totally oblivious to this and what they mean. I don't have many friends and I always feel like they are closer with each other than they are with me. We talk in a group chat but it is very rare I speak to them individually. I know that I can be very annoying and this is one of my biggest problems with friendships but I have no idea how not to be annoying. I often feel very lonely but then when I am asked to do something I get very anxious and don't want to.

I'm particular about clothes. They have to fit and feel a certain way. I mainly like hoodies and like to wear my hood up as much as possible. This again can make social situations and formal situations difficult as there is an expectation to dress up or be smart and I feel so uncomfortable with this.

I'm also funny with food. I have limited tastes and will not eat "wet" food e.g. soup or food with sauce on. Certain foods have to be separate from the rest of my food like vegetables although I don't like many of those.

I'm not keen on people touching me. There are certain exceptions like my parents. But I hate hugs from pretty much everyone else. Again this can make social situations challenging. People don't understand why I don't like this and can even act like I'm being rude not wanting them to touch me.

I've never really been in a relationship and really can't see how I would cope with one. It's not that I wouldn't want one but I just find people so difficult.

I get very anxious about a lot of things. Social things, people in work saying they need to talk to me, having made a mistake (or thinking I have), needing to talk to someone in work, new situations and the list goes on. Recently this anxiety has massively increased. I'm not really sure why but I'm finding it a lot harder to manage. I'm also very easily frustrated and don't find it easy to let go of this.

Most of the time when I get home from work I just climb into bed and then find it really hard to get out again. I also find it very difficult to do household jobs. This seems like laziness but it's more than that but I'm not sure exactly what. It often gets on top of me. I'm very fidgety and find it hard to sit still or quietly a lot of the time. I've recently developed a habit of clicking my tongue. I'm not sure why I do this but I really can't help it.

I read this back and think that it screams autism but then I think I can hold down a job, I manage to function in society and I can interact well with people at least for some amount of time so am I just reading into my knowledge of autism?

I know this is a really long post and I'm not even sure what I'm expecting back from it but I just felt I needed to get some of this out of my head and I really don't have anyone I feel I can talk to. Plus I find talking to people in person really difficult. Thanks for reading and I appreciate any advice anyone can give me.

  • Hello I hope your still there an receive my reply to your post. Have you ever heard of something called Dyspraxia, it can often go with Dyslexia, and Autism Spectrum? Well it can cause coordination problems with some people making it difficult for them do some tasks an house work just happens to be one  area where we struggle yes my friend I struggle with it too, an we are not alone there are many people who have dyspraxia too. Perhaps your Doctor, might be able to refer you for an assessment for Dyspraxia, if you have not hand an assessment done before. You can also ask to be referred to an O T, who could give you some advice in managing tasks around the house a bit more easily. And even give you gadgets that might help you for using around the house, please do not think you are being lazy because you certainly are not. I should have asked to do you get tired a lot of the time because tiredness and Dyspraxia, go together. any way hope this information has helped you a little bit. Please let me know how you get on. We are all here on this little forum to help and support 

    Helena

  • I’ve already decided not to seek diagnosis. I’ve already spent too much time in medical waiting rooms. My problem is not so much myself as I feel that I identify with aspergers. My problem is that if I say it to other people they don’t appear to believe me without the external validation. So its a case of what to do about that, if anything needs to be done.

  • I think I've got the point where I've figured a diagnosis is the only thing that would give me peace of mind. I think I'm going to continue in the same circles if I don't. Not quite at the point I can face it yet though. Good luck with what ever you decide to do.

  • Hi Katfish

    i had m6 epiphany last summer...have come out the other side in terms of acceptance and self acceptance only recently. There is nothing wrong with being YOU 

  • Similar to other comments above I feel like I could have written the same post about myself.  I am self diagnosed. When I looked into the diagnosis process in my area I wasnt optimistic about how long it would take. I’m trying to get my head around accepting myself as self-diagnosed.

  • I also feel that I have spent a lot of time trying (and often failing) to fit in than I actually have been myself.

    Totally! Being oneself is the target... I just need to bat off people’s previous expectations and doggedly be ME! 

  • I like that beginning bit. Thanks for posting. I do feel like I spend a lot more time trying (and often failing) to fit in than I actually do being myself.

    I am in exactly the same situation.

    I also feel that I have spent a lot of time trying (and often failing) to fit in than I actually have been myself.

    Since I discovered autism I am trying to be myself and stop fitting in. Now I am happier as I do not have to work hard anymore to fit it and be unhappy.

    I am starting to enjoy myself.

  • I like that beginning bit. Thanks for posting. I do feel like I spend a lot more time trying (and often failing) to fit in than I actually do being myself.

  • I can be an exceptional actor... but a lousy me!... I can read to a script but can’t improvise... 

    I rehearse and dance the dance to others expectations and in order to blend and “fit it”.. but I am like a naive child within, caught between fight or flight at times.

    each day I return home knackered and mentally review and critique the day and emotionally recover. The mask gets thrown into the corner ready to be picked up the next day! 

    This is fine when life is quiet and well behaved but curveballs or extended periods of flux can really unsettle.

  • I've been told going with the express purpose is the best way. I just hate going to the doctors so much, I don't even like making the appointment. I just worry I'd get there and bottle it.

    I also hate going to the Doctors.

    I often send letter by post to my GP and then the GP sends me back a letter.

  • I've been told going with the express purpose is the best way. I just hate going to the doctors so much, I don't even like making the appointment. I just worry I'd get there and bottle it.

  • I went in with the express purpose of getting a referral, and I made it very clear that's what I wanted and why. It was the first time I had been to that clinic, and the GP himself was a young locum doctor, which may have helped with his willingness to refer me. I was in the middle of a very unpleasant bullying situation at work at the time and I was very upset about that. When I get like that, I have a tendency to talk people's ears off and to speak very quickly, so perhaps the GP referred me because he values his ears lol.

    I think the speed of the diagnosis depends heavily on the region you live in.

  • Wow. That sounds a lot better than other people have said. Thanks. How did your initial appointment with your gp go? How did you approach it?

  • It was actually not so bad, as it took much less time than others have said it took for them. For me, the entire process, from the initial visit to the GP to the final diagnosis took less than three months, so I was very fortunate in that regard. It took three appointments and the guy told me he was 99% sure after the second one.

    I hope that, whatever you decide to do, you get the answers you are looking for.

  • How did you find the process?

  • Yes, I was diagnosed last year, though I first suspected that I had the condition when I read about it a few years ago.

  • Thanks. It's good to know there are others who feel that way. I find it weird/hard as so many qualities people in work say I have like organisation are basically non existent when I leave work.

  • Thank you. That helps. Do you have a diagnosis?

  • I totally identify with that Song.. all outward signs point to someone functioning ... intellectual ability, professional job role... I can jump through hoops when I clearly understand the rules and expectation... I can “perform” then. But it is knackering! 

  • Re that you hold down a job etc. There are i don't know how many of us but quite a few here that have degrees, and either hold down jobs or have done so in the past, including myself with a very good profession for many years. But, we mask, we exhaust ourselves, we get home from work and fall apart. But to the outside world we function.