Hurtful comments from family members

Hi sorry think I just need a safe space for a bit of a ramble...

i am struggling after a hard conversation with my mother about my nine year old son who I am attempting to receive a diagnosis for.

it has got very difficult getting L motivated to do anything out the house, to the point off us threatening and everyone falling out with no resolve on situation. This has been the case for a while. Even attending his two weekly groups is a hassle for him and he enjoys these once their.

anyway i was chatting to mum about it not expecting the outcome I received. My mum started the conversation talking about control and being manipulated by my son, then went on to state she didn’t understand why he behaves differently at school and with herself and some others and how we are struggling so much with his behaviour. That she does not see behaviours that are difficult and that I make out that he is worse than he is and I put him higher on the spectrum than he would be. She doesn’t understand why I don’t consequence his behaviour when he acts the way he does. That even children with problems require discipline.  She then asked if I thought things were that bad why wasn’t I pushing for help for him, and that she sees his anxiety as the main problem rather than his other Asd traits. I don’t honestly think she has a handle on what the symptoms of Asd are, I thought she did but now I’m unsure.

Because of all this im doubting myself, the last thing I want to do is make things worse, my fear now is I’ve been doing this by unconsciously giving him reasons for acting up. I doubt myself daily or so it feels daily as it is . Am I doing the right thing, saying the right thing, should I consequence things or not, should I limit the expectations when he’s struggling like I do or is this giving in. Everything seems like wading  through mud sometimes. I never thought he was anything but high function/ mild Asd but I felt due to his high anxieties and social difficulties that I have witnessed he was a little more complex. Now I’m not altogether sure what I think it’s got me doubting it all.

i did try and explain a few things but wasn’t getting anywhere as she so obvisouly disagrees with how I do things... why have I not known this before, I had no idea. All this time through various  conversations we’ve had she’s been thinking the exact opposite. 

Im not sure what to do now... it’s going  to be difficult knowing all this and acting like I’m ok with it all. I’m not going to be able to discuss things freely with her now, and all this time I thought I had someone in my corner as school aren’t helping as they state they don’t see any traits and paediatrics can’t move forward without collaboration, we’ve been under paediatrician for 2 years already. I’m seriously thinking off going private, or I was anyway.

She did say none of it was said to be hurtful and it was just an opinion?

i guess it just shook my already weak foundations. I find Asd can be a bit off a mine field to negotiate round daily with changing behaviours and anxieties in my son, I don’t know if im doing the right thing most of the time but I’m trying.

Im sorry for all the negativity... just feeling sad I guess and disheartened.