Sorry in advance, but this is going to be a fairly pessimistic post.
I've hit that point that I have named 'the wall of despair'. I've only recently had a diagnosis, so in the past, when I hit this point, I end up circling down a dark hole that is very difficult to climb out of.
My 'ways' as they are often termed, have cost me so much over the years and it has taken a massive toll on my health and well-being at times. My life has been spent working endlessly to fit in and navigate obstacle after obstacle. I work hard so that I can have a successful career that helps take away the stresses of paying bills and having a roof over my head, but it all comes at a cost. I become exhausted, overwhelmed, as well as being physically and mentally burnt out.
Recently I have had to cope with a number of changes and knee jerks at work and I don't know if it is directly related, but all aspects of life just seem totally overwhelming to me. Every task that needs completing, bill that needs paying, food that needs prepping is one more thing pushing me closer to snapping. The result is that I am constantly miserable, snappy, over sensitive and constantly fatigued. My partner, bless him, tolerates it well, but it's not fair on either of us.
Today I reached that point which I try to avoid at all costs. I am not an emotional person at all and rarely express emotion, however, today the flood gates opened where you go from nothing to feeling everything in full volume pure high definition. This means my anxiety levels soar, my heart rate rises, I get pains in my chest and am on the verge of tears and the only way I know how to deal with it to stop me having a complete emotional breakdown, is to run away from whatever situation I am in. As a result, I have walked out of the office today as I couldn't cope with it.
I've reached that point in my life where I am tired of constantly having to go round and round in this pattern. I am good at my job, but me reacting in this way and making myself ill has cost me one career and I am starting to think I am hanging on to my current one by a thread. Maybe I am not in-tune with what my body and mind is doing, but I always seem to lose when it comes to preventing hitting this stage. When I get this bad, I become very emotional over everything, my anxiety levels go crazy and I become depressed. I have been told countless times that life is tough, but you just have to get on with it, but when you are fighting against something that leaves you broken, how damaged do you have to become before you can fight no more?
The situation I now find myself in is feeling hopeless and vulnerable and I hate not having the answer that will solve it.
Have you had to have similar fights and what do you do to help you put the boxing gloves back on and go back into the ring?
Just another thank you to everyone who has expressed their kind words and overall group support. If there was more of this approach in day to day life, then maybe some of us wouldn't feel like this.
So true x
It was very quiet today with everyone busy. But it sounds as though it was a positive day all round. Was your day any better today Ellie? What were you doing in the garden Spotty. Is it mainly weeding and pruning at the moment?
More weeding than there should be as August was so wet. I'm good at planting stuff that will flower until the frosts so lots of dead heading too, though that seems kind of futile when no one is looking at it. Embrace the absurd!
I love flowers and the sculptural shapes some of the dead/dried flower heads make . But must be odd working in a garden only you see. But am sure the plants appreciate it. I know there is plenty of work left to do in my garden.
Is this a metaphor?
No.. I really do like the shapes of dried poppy heads or honesty and I really do have lots of pruning and weeding to do. Is that what you meant?
You garden need sorting as a reference to your self needing tending ... that's all folks!
Well yes that too! Very good hadn't thought of that. Could do with a lot of weeding and pruning!! Lol. Right time for sleep.
Sleep well Missy. I still have to un-whorl my brain space yet! Good to hear from you....miss you lots x
Takes some doing doesn't it.. mine still whirling a bit too. One day at a time Ellie. 2 down 3 to go and then the weekend. Hopefully the bumps will straighten out as the week goes on. I missed you too.
Thank you lovely