Autistic...or just odd?

I would absolutely love an opinion on my status. It was the whole reason for writing about myself and inviting people to comment. It has been eating away at me for a while.

Both curiosity and precisely the fact I may (read: will, it has happened enough times before) end up in a bad way in the future are driving force behind doing this. I think I probably would be better off in the long run getting a diagnosis of whatever my issues are. I know for a fact it is not feasible to stay where I am forever.

Well, these tests are never going to be precise, but what they are designed to do is give an indication of whether there is some evidence of autistic traits present.

Really, it's a question of whether you think you would be better off receiving a diagnosis, or at least, an opinion about your status in terms of being on the autistic spectrum. If you can lead a life without experiencing problems that you find very difficult to deal with then maybe you just need to make the most of it and carry on as you are.

If it's just a question of curiosity and you would simply like to know what makes you tick then perhaps it might not be worth all the stress involved in persuing a diagnosis. Only you can make that decision because you are the one experiencing your life.

On the other hand, if you feel you do need some help in managing your problems you really need to consider getting professional help because things could get worse and you might find yourself in a very bad place later on.

Ok, I am 100% sure we are on the same page now. I have definitely done that. About 5 years ago, when I scored 39, and a few weeks ago, when I scored 42.

Maybe I am having trouble believing how 'different' those tests say I am. But saying that, I am not really a suitable judge of normalcy. Maybe I should trust the test. It does say that 32 is the threshold value for at least talking to someone.

You could try this test as a first step:

psychology-tools.com/.../

That is a question that I genuinely cannot answer. I just don't know. To answer that question, I look at my behaviour in some situations that arise everyday, and then try to imagine how other people may behave. Trouble is, I can't. Somethings I can maybe cobble together using well known social norms. But in general, I can't. It makes it really difficult to see where I am supposed to fit in on the scale of normal to ASD if I can't tell how much of my behaviour is normal to the vast majority of others. If that makes sense. Maybe that is the wrong way to go about answering that question?

Until recently, I didn't even know that the level of anxiety I feel wasn't normal (someone told me). I thought all people felt the same as me, yet they just got on with it where I had to think twice (or three, or four times, ad infinitum) about whether I really wanted to do [insert activity].  

This is a bit different to having chest pains, because they usually have fairly lethal connotations, and are reasonably rapid onset and acute. Autism appears to be much less clear-cut than that (at least to me). I am also not in a dire situation right now. So, I guess I'm having a hard time deciding how much I really need/want to do this right now.

All I do know for certain, there seems to be a disconnect between me and society. I probably ought to investigate it before it becomes a problem... again. The only person who can tell me what the disconnect is for sure is a professional... I'll just have to get over myself and get it done. lostmyway, Martian Tom. You have been unnecessarily patient with me. Seriously, thank you.

Just out of interest. Does anyone else suffer with this level of personal dilema/procrastination/anxiety before doing anything (no matter how small)? How about you Abc123?

I think the best way to look at this is to ask yourself the question: is there enough evidence to cause you to have serious concerns about whether you are autistic?

After all, if someone has pains in the chest, for example, or constant tiredness, etc., they see their GP. They know there is something out of the ordinary happening to them and to leave it could result in something worse happening.

If the answer is yes, and there is enough reason to think you may be autistic, then the correct course is to seek professional advice. Even then, it's not always that simple because I know of cases where a person has been convinced that they are autistic but have not received an official diagnosis because they were not considered 'autistic enough.' Yet, after trying several times the same people did obtain a diagnosis, so it's not black and white and can involve considerable strain and effort to resolve.

In your case you need to consider how much it is going to affect your life if you choose not to persue a diagnosis and that is something only you can decide, but if you think not knowing the truth is something you can live with then fine.

There are people here who have been glad they did gain a proper diagnosis after years of not knowing what their difficulties were being driven by, but there again, there are people who are quite happy to recognize their autism but do not feel the need to seek official confirmation, perhaps because they choose not to endure the stress of going through it.

Constantly dithering will just make things worse, so my advice to you is to make a resolution about whether you wish to do something about your concerns or not, and as soon as possible. If you choose not to seek help you might simply be putting things off and regret not taking action sooner. It's really an individual choice.

It sounds a bit corny, but you really have to be your own best friend and do what is in your best interests. Nobody else will do it for you.

In order to kill some of my anxiety, I really need to know (or at least be reasonable sure) I have autism before I go to see a professional who will tell me. How ridiculous is that!? Talk about going about it in a back to front manner.

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This is EXACTLY how I feel. Haven't yet been brave enough to make a doctor's appt, let alone get there! ....not even sure I ever will???

I suspect you must've said all of that a thousand times before. I am sorry if you have. I am just looking for reassurance I guess. I know you aren't an expert, but you are probably more qualified than me, in that I suspect you know more about it than I do.  

I can remember taking the AQ test about 5 years ago. I got 39 then. I took it more recently (a couple of weeks ago), and scored 42. I have taken the EQ test and RITVO autism test and scored 7 and 159 respectively. But with the RITVO test, I found those questions to be really hard. I don't talk to many people, so any question that says 'people say that...' or 'You pretend to do ... so you appear normal' I don't really have any answers to those (Also, I know and do what is normal for me, but possibly not what is normal in the general populace).

In order to kill some of my anxiety, I really need to know (or at least be reasonable sure) I have autism before I go to see a professional who will tell me. How ridiculous is that!? Talk about going about it in a back to front manner. Anyway, Thanks for putting up with my whiny ramblings.

I think you'll find many posters here who can relate to your experiences but they haven't as yet replied to your comments.

I'm no expert but from what you have described I would say you do seem to exhibit some characteristics of autism, however, one should never jump to conclusions until more evidence is gained. You need to take the online autism test as a start which should give you a general, 'ball-park' indication of your behaviour.

As regards sensitivities and stuff, well, we have to remember that no two people who are diagnosed as autistic are exactly the same so not everyone will experience identical problems.

Thank you lostmyway.

That is a shame. I bet he has some really interesting stories to tell.

You don't come across as pushy. I'd probably let you know. I hope you'd tell me if I am going on, I don't want to be annoying. Also, how else will I learn when enough is enough (especially over the internet). 

I don't think I have any particular sensitivities. Or at least nothing that gives me anxiety. I do find some noises to be intensely annoying, like chewing, or people talking when I'm reading/people making noise when I'm trying to concentrate.

I think I was just hoping for someone to say: 'yes, I can relate to what you are saying. There is every chance you do have some form of Autism' as a confidence booster before going to the GP. I still don't feel confident that I'm not wasting the GPs time by going. I really wish I could upload my life experience to someone else's head so they could tell me.

No, he doesn't tell any stories, he just lectures about maths.

Yes, maths is very interesting when it is used to model the behaviour of the physical world and this is something that is driving me to learn it.

Well, sometimes I do think of a reply fairly quickly but at other times I have to think about it for a while. I don't always make a reply to a topic that I have just been discussing because I don't want to appear to 'go on' too much about it, which might, to some, seem as being a bit pushy.

The thing about being sensitive to noise is that it can cause great anxiety and unhappiness when it's the 'wrong' kind of noise. I think obsessiveness drives it too because when I don't like a certain noise I tend to obsess about, it which makes it much worse.

I think you have every right to go to your GP for advice about something that concerns you. After all, that's what they're there for!

That is cool. Does he have any interesting stories to tell? Maths is an interesting subject. I find it gets more interesting/fun when you make a mathematical model of something that actually mimics the behaviour of the real life object, eg. a car engine. I can highly recommend chemistry and physics, both are extremely interesting (there are large overlaps between the two).

Do you find it sometimes takes a long time to think of a reply? It took me 35 minutes to think of the above response, haha!

lostmyway said:

It does get on my nerves that I stay in so much because although I'm not very sociable, I do get quite bored at times but there seems to be something preventing me going out and mixing with people. I think I would find it pretty overwhelming and although I might be ok for a while would get fed up and want to come back home. I don't feel a great need for socialising and generally prefer living in my own world via tv, books, the net, radio etc. How sad is that?

Haha, I am afraid you are asking the wrong person on that front. I am pretty well the same. I seem to get enough socialisation from the few people I talk to daily, as I don't go seeking any additional interaction with others.

If you don't mind me asking, what does it feel like? Also, what qualifies as an issue? I'm not sure I have a sensory issues particularly. The closest I may get is I got mesmerised by a laser speckle pattern one time. I then had the worst migraine I have ever experienced. My tongue and left arm were tingling I had a massive headache, my right eye felt like it might pop and I was vomiting. When outside I walk round squinting all the time (have done as far as I can remember). It doesn't cause me any distress, other than the odd headache maybe. Is it possible to have Autism without sensory issues?

Should I just pluck up the courage and go to the GP for a referral? For some reason I still feel fraudulent.

Well, johnb0y, I'm following an online course in maths which you have to subscribe to and is conducted by this guy (called Jason) who used to work for NASA as an engineer who is a very good teacher. I say that because he covers every step and doesn't rush, frequently repeating and reminding you of points he has covered before to reinforce learning.

I'm at the point of learning about radicals and how to add, multiply and divide them, which is a bit confusing but gets easier the more you go over the material. I find Jason's way of teaching very engaging and interesting, which is why I have learnt so much. Another instructor might not have made me keep going back for more and being online, is available at any time of the night or day, so can be looked at at my convenience.

The course goes right up to the level of calculus, which I look forward to, but of course, you have to master the earlier steps before going on to learn that.

He also does other subjects, including physics and chemistry etc. and is covered by the same fee.

I know what you mean about being photographed, not that I really have a problem with my picture being taken, but I don't look to be photographed because it doesn't really bother me that much one way or the other.

It does get on my nerves that I stay in so much because although I'm not very sociable, I do get quite bored at times but there seems to be something preventing me going out and mixing with people. I think I would find it pretty overwhelming and although I might be ok for a while would get fed up and want to come back home. I don't feel a great need for socialising and generally prefer living in my own world via tv, books, the net, radio etc. How sad is that?

One slight problem I do have is that if I see something that seems a little askew I have to readjust it, then, readjust it again and again.

Also, I do have a noise sensitivity which at the moment isn't too bad but can easily be worsened by something like, for example, Guy Fawkes Night. I had a bad time when I was working due to having to work in a new area which I found terribly overwhemling and got very depressed and had to tell my supervisor there was no way I could work in there on a day to day basis. I really worried that they would give me an warning that if I wasn't prepared to work there it would cost my job. Fortunately, it didn't come to that, but nevertheless, was terribly worrying for me at the time and life was pretty horrible for some years until I retired.

Thank you for your input lostmyway.

I think I have the opposite problem to you. If I am being honest, I shower 3 times a week, sometimes less. I either have to be visibly dirty, or I have to be able to smell myself. When I do have a shower, I put it on pretty well the hottest temperature setting and the highest flow rate, otherwise I still feel dirty (or I don't feel like I've washed would be a better way of putting it). If I were you, I wouldn't follow me around, haha!

I have a similar problem with my beard. If it is too long, it curls round into my mouth and is really annoying, and also gets dirty with food. Hate it. But I also fiddle with me beard a lot. I like to make individual hairs into rings between my finger and thumb. It makes a pleasing click when it pops out from between my fingers. I have had a beard for so long, I'd feel naked without one.

What sort of maths are you studying? and to what level? I did the same with physics. I bought a text book and would read through chapters and the answer all the questions about the chapter. I recently let that slide, l I got to the section on gravity, which I found to be really boring. It was also the same time I started researching autism. At the moment, I spend every night reading about people's experiences on here or wrong planet or similar. I will go back to the physics, the following chapters are all interesting. Mechanical waves, thermodynamics etc all good stuff.

Does it bother you that you don't go out? I guess I am asking, should I be worried that I don't really want to go anywhere?

I can remember having that problem at school, and to some extent these days still. I can't necessarily tell what is wrong with my hand-writing sometimes, but I think you hit the nail on the head when you say 'rough'. Additionally, if I make a mistake at the top of a piece of paper, I start again on a fresh piece. The previous piece is relegated to scrap paper for doodling or something.

Same with the editing. I have edited everyone of the posts I have written so far (at least twice for each one).

Martian Tom 

I do that in a slightly different way. I try to quantify what people say. Apologies if the next bit is disgusting. I heard that you can die cliff jumping, as you can get an enema at such high pressure it causes a massive bleed. I used Bernoulli's principle to calculate the pressure change across a rectal orifice, when doing a cannon-ball jump from a 10 metre cliff. I made some assumptions, like: no air resistance; landing rectum first; instantaneous opening of rectum to guestimated diameter of my poo (that is the only gauge for rectal diameter I could think of). Anyway, for this highly idealised situation, it turns out the water enters at a pressure of approx. 10 atmospheres. The exact number is wrong, but the order of magnitude is probably correct. Multiples of atmospheric pressure. Yikes!

If you really were pressed for time, why did he a) waste time by stopping you from working, b) not come and help? Or were all staff members expected to unload 12 pallets each?

In a similar vein to not liking to be looked at. I don't like people taking photos of me, I feel quite uncomfortable. I don't really know why.

I read the wikipedia page. I think Bartleby and I would get on well. I have actually said those very words to someone I worked for. Haha! He wanted me to go to Portsmouth for 7 days, staying in a hotel whilst I built a steel building.

But the comment you quoted makes me realise why I had to retake my English GCSE. The things the words don't say, I just don't get.

Having researched autism a bit, something that comes up quite often are sensitivities. Do you guys have any? What are they like?

I have a bunch of inane questions, like: How big is a pallet and what does it look like? What were the food items on the pallet? What is the produce stored in whilst on the pallet? And did they need refrigeration? Where were the pallets kept relative to the cabinets you were stocking? Is 12 pallets a lot for one person to unstack in an hour? Where does the old produce go? etc etc. But, please don't feel obliged to answer them! 

I agree, logically speaking, it is correct to clear space for the new produce before actually loading the new stuff on to the shelves. You should've asked to see the Time/Motion study that said his way of doing things was better.

With regards to starting a job over, I am not above doing that. I made some doors once, and got extremely cross because when placed next to one another, I could see they were not the same shape. I was stopped from cutting them up and starting again by my parents, who measured them and found one of them was 'out of square' by 1mm. They took me 3 weeks to make, a lot of effort went into making them and I could only see failure. This is one reason I also have a problem starting jobs. It is crushing when it goes wrong. Just out of interest, do you do things consecutively or can you do jobs in parallel?

I have got used to dealing with (many) deliveries and the people that come with that. It is in the realm of general nuisance/really annoying rather than fraught with anxiety. I do have trouble with going out though, for instance if a place AND time are not explicitly stated, I will not go. If it is ambiguosly stated (for example: in the afternoon), I will not go. I spend pretty well all my time alone. It doesn't seem to bother me either. I speak on average to 5 people per day. Today I spoke to 6 people.

I agree with getting lost. I will not go anywhere I don't know without sat-nav. I tried once, my Dad had to deal with the panicky phone call as I was driving into the centre of Birmingham, after getting lost on spaghetti junction when I was coming back from Bristol.

I have tried to do a 'normal' job a couple of times. Each time it was the same. At first it is ok. Then after some time, after getting home, I am tired. After some more time, the urge to sleep when I get home is massive, so I have a nap. Then I can get on with cooking, shopping etc. After some more time, I'm more tired. Things start to slip from the agenda, like going to the gym (the only thing that consistently gets me out of the house). After a bit more time, it is all I can do to focus on just existing. At this stage, it gets hard to get up in the morning. Then I start becoming resistant to going in. Then the mental breakdown type symptoms start appearing when people start forcing me. Then I just stop going. When I say 'a bit more time' I mean weeks/months maybe. Additionally, it makes it harder to get a job when your references see you as lazy and unreliable. Just as a side note I first got told I was workshy when I was 6 or 7, my teacher wrote it in my school report. It was news to me, I can remember being quite shocked by that at the time. I thought I was doing ok.

I have not read that, no. The last fiction book I read was at school. I find it hard work reading fiction. What is it about?

I have a friend who I go to the gym (I say gym, I mean agricultural shed on a farm) with, he always invites me to the pub for some food after. I nearly always say no. The few times I have said yes, he pre-booked it with me.

You tried stand up comedy. Wow, that is brave. I have respect for you.

I am also not a fan of being touched. I don't mind handshakes too much, but sometimes I do have the tendency to try to wipe it off afterwards (mainly the limp wristed ones). Hugs are a no no, especially against my will. My friend from the gym brought some of his friends with him. When they left, one of them ran up and hugged me. I did my absolute best to appear normal in front of a bunch of strangers, but I think I failed. I went home, got into bed and cried. It took a day or two to get over the violation.

I would like to say, when I get to a similar situation with my parents, I hope I can be half as together as you seem to be. You still have time to help other people out. So, Thank you.

One of my problems is cleanliness.

I have to shower once a day even if I don't really need to because if I don't I feel agitated and 'unclean' and cannot relax. It's worse if I have to use public transport or use a mini-cab because I can't help thinking about all the people who have used the seat before me and the possibility that some of them were dirty or had fleas or something.

I can't stand having my hair too long and will constantly be aware of it when it begins to touch my ears and always get a very, very short haircut so it will last a while. Same with shaving. I could never grow a beard (unless I happened to be stranded on an desert island) because when my stubble begins to grow too much I can't help feeling uncomfortable and conspicuous and feel a strong urge to shave.

I have a strict routine where, after taking care of housework, go to the local supermarket (pretty much the same time every day), do some shopping then come back home and persue my interests, which currently is studying mathematics online, checking on here and generally surfing the net.  

I also have to care for my mom, who is 87 and has bad eyesight and is somewhat incontinent, so I have to be availbale for her needs so I can't really go out too much, not that I want to. I too, don't like it when someone turns up unannounced and get very irritated and anxious when it happens and usually try to keep out of the way until they have gone.

Another problem I have is that when I'm taking notes, for example, I get upset if my writing seems a bit ugly and rough, even though it is legible It can distract me from whatever it is I'm studying, which is annoying.

If notice a spelling mistake in one of my posts on here I get upset and have to immediately correct it.

Like you and Tom I would make sure I would use old stock first by removing it before storing newer stock and would feel very agitated if I was prevented from doing that. I used to work in a storeroom and one of the basic procedures was called 'FIFO', which stands for 'first in, first out', in other words, you use the older stock first since not to do so will result in it becoming degraded, especially when you are dealing with foodstuffs.

I listen to a lot of talk radio, especially involving political topics, and would be a bit lost if I couldn't have a radio around.

johnb0y said:

I have a bunch of inane questions, like: How big is a pallet and what does it look like? What were the food items on the pallet? What is the produce stored in whilst on the pallet? And did they need refrigeration? Where were the pallets kept relative to the cabinets you were stocking? Is 12 pallets a lot for one person to unstack in an hour? Where does the old produce go? etc etc. But, please don't feel obliged to answer them!

I am also not a fan of being touched. I don't mind handshakes too much, but sometimes I do have the tendency to try to wipe it off afterwards (mainly the limp wristed ones). Hugs are a no no, especially against my will. My friend from the gym brought some of his friends with him. When they left, one of then ran up and hugged me. I did my absolute best to appear normal in front of a bunch of strangers, but I think I failed. I went home, got into bed and cried. It took a day or two to get over the violation.

I don't think they're inane.  Maybe they show an obsession about detail!  I know that if I'm out anywhere, I'll end up checking odd things - like the number of slits in a heating vent, or the number of rows of seats in a venue, so that I know how many.  I'll then, say, assess the average weight of a seat so that I can figure out roughly how much the total seating weighs!

The pallets were roughly 5' x 4' - the wooden or plastic bases that goods are stacked on for fork-lifting.  It was all fresh produce - fruit and veg - and was stored in stackable (obviously) crates.  The average stack on a pallet would be about 7 feet.  Most of it needed refrigeration (except things like potatoes and bananas), hence the pressure to get the chiller empty because otherwise there wouldn't be enough room to store it all. The pallets were delivered into a warehouse.  The chiller was at the other end of the warehouse.  The stuff had to be trucked out onto the shop floor, about 150 feet away, for shelf-filling prior to the store opening.  I had a two-hour time frame to do this - 5am to 7am, when the store opened.  It all had to be done by then.  Mostly I did it alone - and yes, it was very hard work and you had to work very quickly.  Supermarket employees are paid so little for the work they do.  I can honestly say it was the hardest work I've ever had to do in my life.  There was never a second to stop.

Handshakes I can manage.  Hugs - well, only if I have to.  As for all of this other stupid stuff - fist-bumps, high-fives, etc - it just seems like fashionable nonsense to me.  If you don't want to shake my hand - tough.

Here's another thing.  I have a very low sense of self-image.  I hate being looked at for too long.  If I'm on a stage, I can dress up, so that's not so bad.  Paddy Considine, the actor, has Asperger's.  Gary Numan, too.  Then there's Chris Packham and Alan Gardner.

Here's a precis of Bartleby, the Scrivener.  I always find it an amusing story.  Imagine being asked by your boss to do something and replying 'Actually, I'd really prefer not to.'  Haha!

en.wikipedia.org/.../Bartleby,_the_Scrivener

Here's a telling piece from one critical comment:

Bartleby the Scrivener explores the theme of isolation in American life and the workplace through actual physical loneliness and mental loneliness. Although all of the characters at the office are related by being co-workers, Bartleby is the only one whose name is known to us and seems serious, as the rest of characters have odd nicknames, such as "Nippers" or "Turkey", this excludes him from being normal in the workplace.

johnb0y said:

Martian Tom, thanks for that. How would you rate the annoyance level/intrusion on your life for each of those? How does your anxiety manifest itself?

If you'll indulge me (I'm going to go through your points in order):　

I can handle minor changes with my daily routine without stress. For instance, if someone is in the bath room when I wake up (that is when I brush my teeth, I will move on and in all likely hood, forget to brush my teeth). Or someone coming round unexpectedly. I can even handle going and doing big things like driving 1.5hrs away to pick something up with an hours notice (as long as someone else drives) without thinking too much about it. I need some time to prepare for it though. 

With that said, I think I am in a really good place right now, which allows me to feel comfortable. I know that after doing things like the above, I can come back to my house and not have to see anyone/talk to anyone for a while. I also know that everytime I have tried to be 'normal' and do 'normal things', like have a 9 to 5, spend lots of time around others, I have been broken by it, I don't seem to cope well (anything from shouting to tears to suicidal thoughts). So, I dare say I would cope less well if my circumstances changed.　

I think I might have overcome that. I have learnt I am allowed to say no (only learnt that in the last year though, when I started doing my own thing). I doubt that is helpful to you, especially if it is your boss that tells you to do something.

I also have a problem asserting myself in similar situations. For instance when buying a car. I have a degree in Engineering, but I just seem to forget everything I know as soon as the salesman starts saying things contrary to what I know, or I cannot supply an answer in a reasonable time frame.

Social events get me also. Especially ones which are sufficiently far for me to not know where I am going/going to: park/go to the toilet/eat/drink/be expected to dress up/talk to many people/ etc etc. Needless to say, they never happen spontaneously, nor very often. As an aside, I am perfectly happy to talk to people when the format is correct, such as at the builders merchant, where I have a list of things they can supply me with. Job done. I don't really enjoy small talk.

I set the volume of TV/PC/stereo in sets of 5 only.

I am dreadful at conflict. Hate it, especially verbal, my brain just doesn't work fast enough. Physical arguments I have less issue with. My Mum told me when I was little: "never start  fights, just make sure you finish them".

I dislike people watching me do things. I can almost feel their eyes drilling holes in me. I always make mistakes. I don't mind criticism too much as long as I respect the person criticising me, and the criticism is constructive.

I do try to work in a tidy area, but it just ends up really cluttered up. I need some level of structure/planning to produce any meaningful output. I have just discovered lists are pretty useful for getting me to do things. I bought some whiteboards, one for the things I want to achieve/finish tomorrow. I don't tend to write more than 4-5 things on it however. One for current/short term jobs. One for longer term. Both of these can have many, many things written on them. I feel the physical act of rubbing off the boards is quite motivational.

To add another point:

I do not enjoy places that appear crowded (it is a person per unit area thing). It seems roughly speaking that 4 people (other than me) per 3 square metres is enough to make me feel the fight or flight response.

Hi johnb0y,

The annoyance/anxiety level differs from situation to situation.  I can cope with minor changes, too.  Major changes bring anxiety at a level that's sometimes given me panic attacks.  I've always been told I'm a good and conscientious worker with meticulous attention to detail.  I don't cut corners.  If I'm not happy with a job, I do it again - even to the point of redecorating a room because I wasn't happy with the way I'd hung the paper. Another good example.  I used to work on the produce section of a supermarket. On the early shift (5 am) I used to have to work alone, and my job was to unload the fresh delivery pallets (sometimes as many as 12) and make room in the chiller for the new stock, which often meant having to put out a lot of the previous day's stock first.  To me, it seemed logical: empty the chiller of the previous day's stock first, then start on the delivery pallets. That way, good stock rotation was ensured.  I was duly doing this one morning when a manager came up to me.

'What are you doing?'

I explained.

'No,' he said.  'Work on the load first. Get that out of the way.  Then do your chiller.'

I explained that the chiller held older stock, so needed to go out first....

'Work on the load first!' he shouted.  'And get cracking.  We open in an hour!'

This made no sense at all.  Put 'new' stock out first... then make more work for myself by having to then go around and swap it for old stock.

Forgive the pun... but when he left, I went in the chiller and froze.  My brain couldn't process the conflicting information.  I panicked.  A colleague saw my distress, fortunately, and came to help me.

On those other points:  I don't mind being beaten to the bathroom.  I can handle that.  But I DON'T like unexpected callers.  Often, I simply won't answer the door.  I need to know when people are coming.

If I have to drive a distance, I need to know EXACTLY how to get there.  If I get lost, I go to pieces.  I have a bad sense of direction, and any deviation to a route distresses me.  I recently had to drive 130 miles to an unknown place to pick something up for work.  A colleague came with me.  We got a bit lost.  By the time I got home, I was wrecked.  He kept saying 'Chill, man... so we got lost.  We got there, though.'  Not that simple for me, because it throws my whole day out.  I was two hours late getting home that night, and that, for me, is VERY bad news.  Took me a day or two to recover from that.

I like the routine of 9 to 5.  However, being around other people for too long exhausts me.  At home, I spend all of my time alone.

I found it hard to say 'no' for years.  I do now, though.  If I'm asked to do overtime, I say 'no'.  If I want to do it, I'll volunteer.  It has to be on my terms.  Have you read Herman Melville's short story 'Bartleby the Scrivener'?  I'd recommend it!  You'll see why.

Like you with social events - unless I know the people well.  Even then, though, I don't always go.  My uncle had an 80th birthday party last year.  The whole family went.  But it was a long distance away and would have meant an over-night - so I didn't go.  I need to be able to leave when I'm ready and come home.

I can check just about all of your other points.  Hate conflict - even to the point of compromising myself, which always leaves me feeling bad.  I was quite assertive earlier though, which I was pleased about.  Someone I was talking to started going on about 'greedy Asians'.  I said 'My current landlord is an Asian and he's the fairest landlord I've ever had.  He hasn't put up my rent in four years.  An English landlord I once had, on the other hand, almost killed me because he was too mean and negligent to service the gas boiler properly.'  She didn't pursue that!

I detest being watched.  Even if I'm doing something I know I can do well, if someone's watching, I make a mess of it.  The only time that works is if I'm in firm control of the situation.  Such as when I once tried stand-up comedy.  As soon as my stint was over, though, I disappeared!

I hate crowds.  I hate being touched.  Even gestures of comfort.  The other week, when I was at the hospital with mum and it was touch-and-go, my niece took my arm and rubbed my hand.  A normal comforting gesture.  But all I could think was 'Please take your hands off of me!'

Fight or flight?  Flight.  Every time.

My last comment, though - given you've spoken about 'doubt' with autism - is that you must remember that it's a spectrum condition.  We all have different behaviours, responses, traits.  No autistic person is exactly the same.  If you know 20 autistic people - you know 20 entirely different people.

All

My Boy does not hardly make any eye contact anymore , and does not notice that ive  return home from work, he dosnt talk anymore but only use to say mum dad car no sentenaces. He dosnt commucate with any of the child in pre-school. He used to play football, but this has stoped aswell now.

He loves watching tv and cuddling his mum. He also likes his food.He is very strong and has good balance and walks up the stairs and climbs steps with ease.

We have recently seen a pedatrision who has recommened speech theraphy everyday for six months, but cant tell us what he thinks this is. My boy is 2 years 8 months old.

Does anyone have any ideas apart from autism?

Regards Steve

Martian Tom, thanks for that. How would you rate the annoyance level/intrusion on your life for each of those? How does your anxiety manifest itself?

For me, I can remember a lot of vomit when I was younger. I can remember being 'comfortable' with vomiting such that I could be walking along, turn my head to the side and vomit, without breaking my gait, and without getting any on me, haha. These days I just seem to get really, really, really grumpy and frustrated with everything. Sometimes, I can feel the exact moment adrenaline hits my heart.

If you'll indulge me (I'm going to go through your points in order):　

This is the sort of thing that makes me unsure if I have autism or not. I can handle minor changes with my daily routine without stress. For instance, if someone is in the bath room when I wake up (that is when I brush my teeth, I will move on and in all likely hood, forget to brush my teeth). Or someone coming round unexpectedly. I can even handle going and doing big things like driving 1.5hrs away to pick something up with an hours notice (as long as someone else drives) without thinking too much about it. I need some time to prepare for it though. 

With that said, I think I am in a really good place right now, which allows me to feel comfortable. I know that after doing things like the above, I can come back to my house and not have to see anyone/talk to anyone for a while. I also know that everytime I have tried to be 'normal' and do 'normal things', like have a 9 to 5, spend lots of time around others, I have been broken by it, I don't seem to cope well (anything from shouting to tears to suicidal thoughts). So, I dare say I would cope less well if my circumstances changed.　

I think I might have overcome that. I have learnt I am allowed to say no (only learnt that in the last year though, when I started doing my own thing). I doubt that is helpful to you, especially if it is your boss that tells you to do something.

I also have a problem asserting myself in similar situations. For instance when buying a car. I have a degree in Engineering, but I just seem to forget everything I know as soon as the salesman starts saying things contrary to what I know, or I cannot supply an answer in a reasonable time frame.

Social events get me also. Especially ones which are sufficiently far for me to not know where I am going/going to: park/go to the toilet/eat/drink/be expected to dress up/talk to many people/ etc etc. Needless to say, they never happen spontaneously, nor very often. As an aside, I am perfectly happy to talk to people when the format is correct, such as at the builders merchant, where I have a list of things they can supply me with. Job done. I don't really enjoy small talk.

I set the volume of TV/PC/stereo in sets of 5 only.

I am dreadful at conflict. Hate it, especially verbal, my brain just doesn't work fast enough. Physical arguments I have less issue with. My Mum told me when I was little: "never start  fights, just make sure you finish them".

I dislike people watching me do things. I can almost feel their eyes drilling holes in me. I always make mistakes. I don't mind criticism too much as long as I respect the person criticising me, and the criticism is constructive.

I do try to work in a tidy area, but it just ends up really cluttered up. I need some level of structure/planning to produce any meaningful output. I have just discovered lists are pretty useful for getting me to do things. I bought some whiteboards, one for the things I want to achieve/finish tomorrow. I don't tend to write more than 4-5 things on it however. One for current/short term jobs. One for longer term. Both of these can have many, many things written on them. I feel the physical act of rubbing off the boards is quite motivational.

To add another point:

I do not enjoy places that appear crowded (it is a person per unit area thing). It seems roughly speaking that 4 people (other than me) per 3 square metres is enough to make me feel the fight or flight response.

I apologise for the long read/length of time for reply, again, I am not sure what is appropriate for a message board, additionally, I am having a hard time crystallising my thoughts into sentences that accurately represent my experience. I had to write notes, which I've re-written/edited etc, this post took more than 3 hours to write (I have to do this a lot).

Also, apologies for the thread hi-jack.