Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm in my mid twenties and finding things harder than ever. I really struggle with social skills and although I've always been told I'm "just shy" I've always known something is not right. Despite having outgrown the awkward teenage years I still find it incredibly difficult and confusing holding a conversation with pretty much everyone apart from very close family, even some friends I've known for years.
I've never been like other people, with strong interests and beliefs, not understanding or agreeing with social norms but recently become more aware of just how odd I am (must look for patterns in reg numbers, must always have car windows open even in January! etc...). I think I might be autistic but I'm terrified of going for a diagnosis to be laughed at and told l am just shy and a bit strange. I work with autistic people and although realise it's a spectrum disorder, I am nowhere near as affected as them. I think I probably come across as a little eccentric, lacking in self confidence and very shy.
I am really struggling with self confidence and self doubt and think a diagnosis would probably pull me out of the hole I've dug for myself; but am I just socially awkward, unusual, and looking for something to take the blame?
I guess I'm asking how autistic do you need to appear to get a diagnosis??!
Abc123 said:Thanks for your reply. I score around 40 on the aq test but then worry that my awareness of the condition might skew the result. I am just not sure whether I am on the spectrum but being female present atypically in some respects, and have developed a lot of coping mechanisms to get by; or whether I'm just looking for a scapegoat for my inability to fit in!I think going for a diagnosis and being told I am not on the spectrum will be very hard to handle, but I suppose there is only one way to find out.
Thanks for your reply. I score around 40 on the aq test but then worry that my awareness of the condition might skew the result.
I am just not sure whether I am on the spectrum but being female present atypically in some respects, and have developed a lot of coping mechanisms to get by; or whether I'm just looking for a scapegoat for my inability to fit in!
I think going for a diagnosis and being told I am not on the spectrum will be very hard to handle, but I suppose there is only one way to find out.
Your feelings are quite natural. I knew about autism before I took the test, too, but I answered with absolute honesty - as I'm sure you did. We all develop coping mechanisms, because it's the only way to survive out there. I've been told 'You can't have Asperger's because you don't....' etc, etc. I try to tell people, though: I've had to learn through very hard lessons what most people take for granted, and can do instinctively. I can't understand all body language. I certainly don't understand flirting and 'come-ons', as several past girlfriends have testified. I have to force myself to make eye contact with people. I'm a care worker with special needs (including autism) and do the job well. I can care for people. But that doesn't mean I can put myself in their shoes and empathise with them.
If you go down the route of diagnosis, start with your GP. Tell him or her of your issues. Tell him or her about your AQ test score. Push it if they're resistant. Insist on getting a referral - and if you're like me, you find insisting a very difficult thing to do. But it's the only way. Check out other resources in your locality that might be able to offer advice - but the other people on here will certainly be able to help you with that, too.
I exhibit many of the behaviours and feelings that you describe. When it came to having my final diagnosis, the clinician listened long and patiently. She was in absolutely no doubt about it. They're not there to catch you out.
Good luck - and keep talking on here.
Tom