Everything is too much

I’ve had a personal loss. I made a stupid, stupid mistake and forgot about an open window and my budgie, my best friend, got out. I thought i’d Found her. But the budgie had mites, a type that burrows down into keratin and made the cere brown and look female (but a bit more crusty than the usual female cere) but as i’ve treated The mites, turns out as the cere heals, it’s a male. So it can’t be my budgie. No one has claimed him and it looks like i’m Keeping him. 

But I miss her, and I keep fixating on the idea she’s out there suffering, I have horrific images in my head of her dying in horrible, painful ways. 

We had such a good bond. She preened my beard and I gave her head scratches in return. She was so affectionate. 

I’ve been distancing myself from the feelings, looking after the budgie in my care now gives me some purpose. But behind it all i’m Hurting. And the world feels like it’s on this fast trajectory I can’t keep up with inside my head. 

And I keep feeling like I’m ready to have a nervous breakdown and then feeling pressurised to not allow it, becsuse I don’t want to stress this vulnerable budgie out any more than it already has been through. But as the days and nights go by I feel like i’m losing my grip on any hold I have to not breakdown. 

Its become everything. Everything is too much. It’s no longer just about the budgie situation, it’s unraveled to become about everything. The floods, the virus, the loss, the thoughts in my head, the words I get fixated on inside my head, the images i’m Fixated on inside my head. I can’t relax even for a moment, my brain won’t allow it, yet i’m Getting to a point where I feel like I can no longer run this life. Like i’m Running a marathon and i’m Too tired to finish it. The problem is if you’re running a marathon and you get tired you can stop and you can rest up and recover. But life itself feels like a big marathon to me. I marathon I can no longer run.