Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm never anywhere in between the two states of 'interested' or 'can't be bothered' or 'there is no point in doing X Y or Z" Even when I'm interested in something I'm always bordering onto 'can't be bothered' Always teetering just on the edge of at any moment turning to "there is no point." I can't make decisions to do anything because of it. I keep telling myself to stick with the decisions I make so I don't keep changing them, that once I've made the decision to for example go on a bird watching trip then I go on that bird watching trip. But there always seems to be this push back that can't resist saying, "No. I can't be bothered with this" and the whole list of reasons why not to. 1. The weather.
2. I'm always disappointed by everything anyway.
3. My photography is *** anyway.
4. the faff of having to go from one place to another
5. Dealing with other people who are all strangers.
And I end up in a fight with myself.
I get so frustrated with myself I'll tense my muscles till it aches and punch them to make them ache quicker. I'm so tired of the constant feeling of resistance to everything. I've tried all the meditation, 'being more open' to experiences and all that stuff. It feels like really, all I really want to do is exist in a vacuum with nothing around me that can overstimulate me or even understimulate me. I guess I'm probably describing death. To treat depression I'm supposed to carry on taking meds and keep somewhat forcing myself into tasks so that I can feel the relief. But I'm not sure it's a relief anymore. It's just too tiring. I feel like my life is just me treading through treacle with every single thing I try. My it's this 'autistic inertia' that I have heard of around here as well as Depression. I don't know why, at this rate, I continue to carry on at all.
I understand what you're saying - I sometimes have to *force* myself to do things in my hobby, despite the fact that I really enjoy it. I think Executive Function might have something to do with it, and I do experience "There's no point", "Why paint that when we will be moving in 5 or 10 years time", "I can't bear making that worse before it gets better", "This is just prep work with no payback".
I think executive dysfunction is a large problem for me. And when executive dysfunction can be a symptom of both Autism and Depression it's like I have a double whammy of it. For some reason the last two weeks or so I've been particularly bad with executive dysfunction and I'm a constant state of agitation right now trying to figure out what I'm going to have forgotten to have done next, what I haven't organised that needs organised, my flat has gone from tidy and 'keeping on top of it' to clutter again. I feel like I'm drowning