I have Aspergers Syndrome, and there is a particular person that I have a crush on, and want to ask out on a date. However, I could be wrong, but I’ve got a feeling that they don’t like me (in that way) back. I’ve avoided asking them out up until now, because I’m really afraid that if they reject me, it will trigger feelings of self-hatred, both in terms of my appearance and myself as a person, as due to having Aspergers, I haven’t always found fitting in easy, and I’m afraid that being rejected in a relationship sense will bring all of these feelings flooding back quite badly. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with relationship rejection with having Aspergers?
(I had to Google two-bagger, btw - lol!)
Yup, you're probably right. Throw cultural differences into the mix as well. Oh, how complicated it all gets!
Plastic said:Until that second, you can fantasize about the other person, creating a false personality for them that works in your dreams - but may be very different from reality.
And this. This all day long.
it's not about whether the guy is superficially attractive or not. It's about feeling safe.
Yes it's more that it feels like someone invading my space. It's the "stranger" element. It has nothing to do with appearance. I don't look at people in the street, certaintly not faces. I really enjoy going running but I almost always get comments. Perhaps intended as encouraging? I really don't know. But it affects me so much at one point I didn't want to go running any more. It's my time to be on my own. Perhaps this plays into it - I only get comments when I'm on my own. Perhaps I do perceive it as threatening (I'm really not sure sorry) but then I think, well men get to run wherever they want, whenever they want. why should I limit what I want to do, based purely on my gender? So I keep going. And wear headphones. Sorry this is completely off tangent from the original post.
Yeah, ditto on the running thing. And sorry as well for diverging from the main topic!
I am not a believer in 'instant attraction'being a good indicator of long term friendships or relationships.
Do you know whether this person is not in a relationship anyway? I think that is one of the things that causes most embarrassment.
I think you would have to find some common ground first and be able to start up a conversation. Real life is not like Coronation Street where everyone in the street has in the past had a relationship with everyone else.
You need to be able to find some reason to talk to this person. How well do you know them? Do you see them regularly and not started a conversation yet? Is it someone you see at the bus stop, or in a shop? Whatever, I don't think just coming out and saying 'Would you want to come out with me' to be the way forward.
Conversation is often very difficult for autistic people. I know how very difficult I used to find it. However, as I have got older I have become far less self conscious, but I talk to people not wanting a relationship with them. I can talk to people at the bus stop (mainly because every day it is the same people and we sort of 'know' each other, after all I have been seeing them nearly every day for the past ten years. So if the bus is late, or the weather is very bad, or something unusual happens someone might begin a conversation and it will just develop to cover lots of different things.
For example, you might be able to start a conversation if you see this person struggling with something. Offer to help. Comment on the difficulties the person seems to be having. But however you start the conversation, you will have to do it. Above all, be polite and friendly.
But you have to be able to accept rejection is possible for any number of reasons. That is why you need to be able to converse. Finding out you get along before going on a date will increase your chances of being successful. But even if you met someone at a singles night you might not be siuccessful. Unfortunately, that is what life is all about.
Plastic said:Being rejected by someone who you don't have a relationship with has nothing to do with self-hatred - it's about incompatibility. I've met many people that I'm not compatible with - that's life - but I spend my time with those who fit better with me.
I think this is good advice!
I think the OP is waiting for advice and we have any alternative view, of what not to do.
Do you have any constructive comments as to how he actually ask a girl he likes out?
Other than never talk to any member of the opposite sex ever unless they are a family member' what should he do?
That's not what we mean at all :p of course speak to others. My advice above was to get to know them a bit better before asking them out. This is what others have put as well.
I think he should see if he can develop a friendship with her first, based on common interests and activities. Build that foundation, then ask her out. If their relationship hasn't got that friendly foundation, then just approaching her is going to be difficult and she might not know how to respond. And if she doesn't want to hang out as a friend then she probably wouldn't want to hang out as a girlfriend.
As for developing romantic communication skills, I understand that some dating sites now offer things like music and cooking classes where you can meet people in a more relaxed group setting. Might be worth checking that out.
I think he should see if he can develop a friendship with her first, based on common interests and activities.
Do you know what the friend zone is? This is a very safe zone where some guys end up never to appear. I would say it could amount to Emotionally abuse - where he can't ask her out because he will further jeopardise her friendship. Just WOW.
Nope said:My advice above was to get to know them a bit better before asking them out.
If he is anything like me he has been crushing for 2 years. He likes her, he can't get the courage because he fears rejection.
You do know girls can be so cruel. Especially when they copy and paste stuff with their friends online and laugh at men.
NAS62142 said:there is a particular person that I have a crush on, and want to ask out on a date.
So you are suggesting not asking her out on a date; but asking her to a cookery class.
Which is a PRE-date?