Published on 12, July, 2020
If like me, you don’t seem to like change, have you found any effective ways for dealing with it? If so, please share. I would love to hear how others deal with it and maybe I'll pick up some tips or tricks.
When I woke up this morning, I felt strange and then upset and I had no idea why ♀️.
So I questioned my thoughts.
I did several Bryon Katie worksheets (my go to method of questioning my thoughts), and as usual, one worksheet/thought lead to another.
As always, one revelation after another popped out, but they didn’t feel new. I felt I had already worked on these. They didn’t feel alive for me now.
But I carried on and I’m glad I did, because that’s when I got down to the nitty gritty bare bones of what is really going on for me.
After doing the work sheets, it was revealed to me, that what is really going on for me is the end of Christmas and the start of the new year ~ change!
I don’t like change. At all. (Well I do, but in a different way and that’s another story) Since I’ve been in burnout, I’ve realised, I literally don’t even like the change between night and day. However, this went almost completely unnoticed by me, for many years, in fact, my dislike of change only became more apparent or acknowledged by me as a ‘thing’ since I got my diagnosis.
It is only since I’ve been in burn out and I’ve had more time to look more closely at what’s going on inside of me, that I realised it, to the degree that I do now.
So I’m still not sure of how best I work with my desire for sameness, my dislike of change, my love of change and adventure and my dislike of commitment and sameness! Lol! ~ I’m laughing, because can you imagine taking that to a psychiatrist! A delicious mix of autism, ADHD and PDA
And I guess, I’ve spent so much of my life, making the best of things or not really looking so deeply at what was effecting me deep down as I was too busy trying to live my life, or probably more to the point, I didn’t recognise my feelings, but I didn’t know that, so I didn’t know I even had feelings. Lol! Oh the complexity of it all!
And even now, even though I have way more awareness than I used to have, regarding the fact that I don’t like change, on a deeply profound level, it’s almost as if I’m not making allowances for it. Or rather I am, but I guess not on an emotional level. Emotions are still tricky for me!
Jeez, we’re funny creatures who go very deep with lots of layers!
It took me doing several worksheets this morning, on several thoughts about different people and situations that I thought may have been causing my upset, to get to this.
And what was revealed was that yes, I am aware I don’t like change, and I have been very gentle with myself, bringing myself out of christmas mode and back into ‘normal’ daily living mode, i.e. out of the holiday season mode; however, I still wasn’t accounting for the emotional impact that change has in me. I guess that relates to the fact that I don’t recognise my emotions, other than happy or sad, or rather ridiculously happy or suicidal!
I’ve been very gentle with myself this year, in terms of getting back into normal life. I only went back to church, for the first time since christmas, on Sunday just gone. I haven’t been back to my autism group yet. I haven’t been for a walk down the canal yet and I haven’t yet started to work on building my new routine or my ‘first time ever’ goals for this year.
I’ve been very gentle with myself. Yesterday I went out for a couple of cappuccino’s at a coffee shop that takes me about 40 minutes to get to (walking) and part of the walk takes me round a lake, so it’s a bit of a walk but more of what I would call a stroll, not a proper walk according to Ms Forest Gump here!
Then I went for something to eat at Nando’s. They do a really nice salad with avocado. So I had a really nice day yesterday. I really enjoyed it.
Then a new bible study group was starting that evening (last night) at the big noisy church I don’t go to on a Sunday, but where they have lots of other good stuff going on and even though this course is £25 (and I could use the money for other things) I wanted to go to it as it sounds like what I’ve been looking for, for quite some time.
However, I knew I wanted to go but there seemed to be something in me that almost wasn’t sure. I meditated on it and got no answer, which I realise, was probably my answer! ~ don’t go! Lol!
I had a really beautiful meditation before I went to the group (yes, clearly, I had decided I was going to go and because I didn’t get a definite no, from my meditation when I asked the question ‘should I go’, I decided I’d go, because that’s what I do! ♀️) ~ anyway, I had a really beautiful impromptu meditation before I went to the bible class. It was so beautiful. I felt so peaceful. And in fact, the peace and serenity I felt from doing the meditation was probably telling me exactly what I needed to do, but I didn’t want to hear that. It was telling me to just be. Stay at home. Just be.
But I didn’t want to hear that. As usual, when I’m in my head, I was thinking time’s running out and they might not run this course again for a while yada yada yada and I really want to go so why not go yada yada yada ~ this is not a good strategy for decision making but the good news is, at least I’m realising that now so I’ll be able to make better decisions in the future.
Not to mention, I was totally going against my need to prepare and do things in stages, which applies to just about, if not everything, I do in life. As I only confirmed that the course was actually starting that night and at what time, so I had no time for any preparation.
So I went anyway. And of course, I hated everybody there (apart from the people I had previously met) ~ it takes me a while to warm to people and my default setting is always, I hate you, until I get used to you, get to know you a little and warm to you.
Anyway, the course seems very good, so far, and I managed to keep my mouth shut, for most of the time, thank god .
It’s only a short course, one and a half hours long, for just five weeks, and I didn’t get in there until 45 minutes after it started (a woman took me to the wrong room ~ but that’s another story lol) but already I’ve learned a couple of things.
So in that way, I was pleased I went. And the two women, who happen to be two sisters, (who I really like) who were in my group on the last course I did there, were there and a few other people I had met before. So it was nice to see them and they told me to get there early next week and we’ll have more of a chat etc, so that was really nice.
But, and this is the thing, I hadn’t accounted for the emotional impact that change has on me.
Honestly, when I realised I felt upset this morning, which only became obvious when I started to cry! My first question was, am I tired? ~ because I cry when I get too tired. Then I realised I had just woken up after an lovely long uninterrupted sleep. So I wasn’t tired!
I was quite sure I wasn’t hungry because not only did I have two cappuccinos and the salad and chips to eat yesterday but I also had a bowl of bananas with hazelnut chocolate spread and chocolate, coconut and peanut butter as well before I went to bed ~ two of my most favourite things at minute ~ the hazelnut chocolate spread and the chocolate, coconut and peanut butter. Honestly, I eat them in sandwiches, smoothies, with fruit and by itself straight out of the jars! Lol! They’ve become my daily staple So I knew I wasn’t hungry.
Then I thought I was sad because I couldn’t come on here and then I thought I was upset because I think my sister doesn’t care about me and I miss her so much.
So I did a bunch of Byron Katie worksheets to question my thoughts and try to uncover what was upsetting me.
I think there was definitely an element of feeling lonely in there, which there would be if I’m thinking that I miss my sister and that I can’t come on here, but what stood out to me the most, through doing the work, was the emotional impact that change has on me.
Since I’ve become more aware of my dislike of change, I have been really good to myself so I wasn’t expecting an emotional response as well. I guess I thought that if I take good care of myself, I won’t have an emotional response as well.
But that’s it. That’s the reason I cried this morning. It’s all to do with my deep innate need for sameness and therefore my dislike of change.
I guess I just need a little more time and for me to be a little more gentle and patient with myself.
And now I’ve cleared all that lot up, I think I’ll take myself for a nice walk in the woods. I haven’t been there since before Christmas either and it’s not as far away as the canal walk I go on. I don’t feel up to that today and as I think I’m gonna fast today, I don’t want to go on a massive walk. Besides, there aren’t so many hours of day light left to this day and I don’t want to walk along the canal in the dark.
I know people (not all, but enough to put me off posting) don’t like me responding to other people’s posts, but I wonder if there is anybody else who doesn’t like change and if so, have you found effective ways of getting round it?
I’m guessing, actually, thinking about it now (don’t you just love the power of the written word ~ I often do this, ask a question then answer it myself!) ~ I guess I just do what I’ve been doing ~ account for it, give myself time and space etc etc, be gentle, don’t expect myself to be like the majority who can change from one activity to another with no problems, be extra kind to myself during the transition period with things like I did yesterday, such as going for a nice walk and delicious coffee and just stay present in the moment.
I’m glad I did go to the bible study course and the reason I probably didn’t get an answer when I asked the question, ‘should I go or not’, is because change is part of life, so I do need to find ways of being good with it (which I am) and I suppose it was up to me to decide whether I felt up to going or not, I guess it’s an in the moment decision. And I clearly did, because I went, and I was in much better form than I thought I was because I barely said a word, I wasn’t rude to anybody (well, only slightly) but nothing major. So all in all, I think I did very well. Much better than I could have expected, now I think about it, and looking back.
I just need to be mindful that even when I am doing well, giving myself time etc and being patient with myself, looking after myself, self soothing etc etc etc, I can still have emotional reactions.
Sanity restored
I’ll post this, because even though I’ve been told not to post unless I can learn to post as if I was somebody else, I’ll post it anyway because somebody might be able to give me some tips I haven’t thought of.
I got some other great news as well yesterday. The school of metaphysics, with whom I am professionally attached, are running a course for running introductory workshops on metaphysics and self awareness, which is relatively basic. Which will be great for me as it will show me how to present my work to people in a way that they can understand! Always helpful, I’m sure and it will give me the credits I need for continual professional development as I have a good feeling that I’ll be back working before this year’s out ~ hello world, here I come ~ I’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooo longing to get back to India.
I’m not getting too excited though. I know I still have to take my time. One step at a time. But I’ve got more support than I know what to do with at the minute! lol!
I’ve got my main support worker at REED, who is turned out to be brilliant and I’m starting to really like her. I’ve got the health and wellbeing woman (part of reed) and I’ve been referred back to Autism Plus (through reed) and of course my work coach at the job centre is always super supportive and I can contact her any time.
So this morning began with me waking up feeling weird and then crying, to flooding my brain with all sorts of woes, including thinking not only has this year started badly, it’s gonna end in disaster, I just know it is, to realising that this year has actually started way better than I could imagine and I may not be achieving anything on the outside (which is where some of my family judge) but I’m clearly doing something right because it was hard for me not to speak at the group last night, but I never. Some weird stuff came out of my mind when I was talking to one woman, but I can accept that because I am autistic, I am weird and I’m never going to change that, so I can forgive myself some weirdness
I’ve changed my mind on the walk, I’m gonna get cracking with what I need to do at home I think this year is definitely looking up. I’m doing much better than I thought I was.
I'm not adverse to (positive) change, but I like to have some control in how it's going to impact me. Pointless dictats I tend to be not so good with!
It's the same role and I guess in between we just be :)
I love that too ️thank you X
we spend much of life as either student or teacher neither are less worthy of the other..
Evolve, develop, grow... not change x
perfect
Yes, I understand the change you're talking about (inflicted) and I like the way you explained the change process that goes on in your mind. I go through a similar mental process myself I think, but without consciously realising it and because of not realising it, I couldn't access it when I needed to. It's like if it happened, it almost happened by accident, or without me realising what I was doing.
Thanks for the explanation ~ I understand myself so much easier when I can see it written in much less words than I use. It's like I understand my own mind on one level, to a certain degree, but it feels so vast that I can't seem to pin it down sometimes, to a level that I can relate to and understand on a more physical level. So it's always helpful for me to hear it explained in somebody else's word.
I think what I've noticed, over the past two years, while I've been in burnout, while I didn't have the energy to even turn over in bed, even if you had put a gun to my head, a lot of the time. Is that since there hasn't been many actual changes in my life, I was intrigued to find that I was still experiencing this big dislike of change. Even when I went through the mental procedure etc and even when I instigated the change, it was still very difficult.
Then as I was attempting to get my sleep pattern into some kind of routine (major fail every time I tried) I noticed certain things which eventually lead me to realise that I don't even like the change between day and night.
It's like I've never noticed this before. But it's real! Lol!
But between you and Eli, you've made me realise, that it's still just a change. A change is a change, which, unless I were to just stay in my room for the rest of my life (or a desert island ~ heaven) I am going to need to find a strategy to deal with it.
I find it intriguing that I've spent my whole life so far, never learning to manage change but what is also fascinating, now I think about it.
Is the fact that my whole 'adult' life, at least, has been dominated by change. But thinking about it now. I never realised that I couldn't handle change. I was blaming it on everything else.
For example, I remember my sister always used to say to me that I was in the wrong job. Instead of being an independent Social Worker, she said I should get a permenant contract in one place, because we thought it was goodbyes I didn't like.
And thinking about it even more. I realise now, why I didn't like goodbyes. It's because people would get all emotional and stuff and you would be the centre of attention. It was horrible.
But really, all along, it wasn't the goodbyes that I disliked, as much as it was the change.
I guess that because change was such a big part of my life, because I didn't have a clue what I was doing, so I would bounce around from place to place. I just accepted that change was part of life and so I never really thought about it.
Or, it could be, as they say. That we are given lessons in life, over and over again, until we learn them.
I guess it's time for me to learn how to deal with change .
Thank you. Yours and Eli's responses have really helped me.
I feel better already. And when I learn to experience change, easier, I'll be able to continue to travel, some of the time. Although I feel sure I'm going to make my a home base and here in England.
It's like my life had to be stripped down to the basics, for me to learn them so I can be independent and sustain it.
It's like it's coming to light, that all the things I used to fear, are things that had already happened anyway and I was still ok, so I had nothing to fear because I had clearly already triumphed over it once, so I would triumph again.
It's like I see the world, a different way round to most people, so it stands to reason that's how I'd learn.
... let me live for 50 years then teach me the basics of how to get by on a day to day basis! And I see now why it is a good idea for me to learn them, because it's all those daily living things that hold me back in life.
When I've learned them, I can see I'm going to be much better equipped for life. This is what my autism psychiatrist has been trying to tell me. I understand him now.
Also, as I have said before. A teacher teaches what they need to learn. I taught my son all of the basics to a degree that it was noticeable by his peers, especially the girls, and noticeable to him when he saw how his friends, including the girls, didn't look after themselves like he did.
So I taught him (and very well) but I forgot to learn the skills myself.
I guess I always thought they were a natural innate thing, that you just needed someone to show you or know you had to do them or something, but they're not for autistics (or not for me anyway) and because I was always successful in somehow getting other people to do those things for me. I never realised I couldn't do them.
At least I know I was a good teacher. I just have to hope I'll be as good a student
The only hope I have of dealing with change without problem is to be part of it.
I need to make the decision myself on what needs to be done. If the change needs to be done, for example, for work reasons, there needs to be proper meaningful consultation with views being taken into consideration so that I feel as though I have a contribution to make and it was listened to. I need to analyse the reasons for the change, see that it is necessary and be part of the implementation process.
Consultation of the type 'This is what I have decided you will do' does not pass the mustard and will cause all sorts of problems. It is often not change per se I don't like but change which is inflicted upon me with no thought on my feelings.
Love it ️ thank you ~ sometimes I just need somebody to say it to me in a nice, clear and simple way, like that, and I always love a picture that demonstrates it.
Thank you Ellie ️ I must understand Elephant language very well because that was so clear to me. Maybe I'm an elephant, not a human or an alien, or a mermaid or anything else, but an elephant in disguise ️
Change and stress.. elephant tips.
In diagrammatic form