How do you keep going?

(Sorry if this is a bit miserable, but I’m at a loss so I’m asking for your help). I have had significant mental health issues for the last 3 years, but over the past 6 months things have escalated following appalling ‘care’ from services. My GP is supportive but there is only so much she can do and everything I have tried (returning to work, new activities, meditation, making complaints about my care, self-help CBT, counselling etc.) has failed to improve the situation.

I have been assessed 3 times since March 2018 and each time I have been advised I require care from the Community Mental Health Team (“CMHT”), and I agree with that, but they refused to see me, blatantly lied to me and messed me around with constantly changing goalposts for 6 months, which has only made matters worse! Just what do I do now? I simply can’t carry on like this - it’s mental torture and I’ve had enough! I can honestly only see one way out, and at least it would leave one less patient for CMHT to abuse...

So, how do you keep going?

  • I also know of people who committed suicide in messy ways, but I suppose the point to remember is that usually individuals in a suicidal state are not thinking clearly and are very much compelled to carry out the suicide, meaning that they often choose the nearest/easiest means without thinking of the consequences that may have for others. But it doesn’t mean that the person who commits suicide doesn’t care for others feelings, or would regret the pain caused by their actions, it’s just that they are literally unable to comprehend all of that in the moment they choose to act.

    I hope I’ve explained that well enough if you haven’t experienced those feelings yourself. I understand your anger, but personally I choose to be angry about the fact that circumstances/life experiences/mental illnesses lead people to feel suicidal in the first place - after all, prevention is the only cure here!

  • Suicide makes me angry.  That was the context on my quip.  I've known a number of people who have done it in a rather messy way, putting their families through multiple weeks of pain.  Hence i get a bit worked up over it.  I can only apologise if it upset you.

    Please continue to plod on.  Life will get better eventually, it just takes time.

  • Thank you for your kind words, and I’m pleased to hear that you are finding the community helpful Jason.

    I too find that music can help at times and I used to escape a lot with my sports, but that’s not been the case since I injured my knee last year.

    I don’t think it’s naive to hope things will get better, after all, where is our proof that it definitely won’t? That thought often helps me too, and I am very determined in pursuing better usually, but sadly there are times when the depression/suicidal thoughts appear to hijack my mind and I lose all sense of hope...

  • Yes, I do intend to go back to my GP to discuss medication. I’m not keen on it either but I don’t want to continue feeling as I am.

  • Don't joke about the suicide route, you dont get to do that.

    I don’t quite understand this remark I’m afraid - I was not joking, I have tried to kill myself too many times and nearly died as a result of it (and I wish I had).

    Sertraline I tried once but couldn’t handle the side effects. I use diazepam now and again to help me to settle enough to sleep, but I’m cautious with it as I know it’s addictive. As for the other drugs you mention, I’ve not tried them and this is what I was wanting to discuss with my GP when my appointment was cancelled on Wednesday. I did try asking the out of hours GP for assistance but they refused. I then had rather a breakdown yesterday...

    I agree with you in terms of heavy exercise helping with depression/anxiety, and I used my sports to help me cope a lot up until last year when I tore my ACL. So unfortunately the kind of exercise I require is not currently an option as I recover from my knee surgery. That’s a big part of my current problems in all honesty.

    I have an appointment with my GP for next week, I will try to keep plodding until then.

  • (Sorry if this is a bit miserable, but I’m at a loss so I’m asking for your help). I have had significant mental health issues for the last 3 years, but over the past 6 months things have escalated following appalling ‘care’ from services. My GP is supportive but there is only so much she can do and everything I have tried (returning to work, new activities, meditation, making complaints about my care, self-help CBT, counselling etc.) has failed to improve the situation.

    I have been assessed 3 times since March 2018 and each time I have been advised I require care from the Community Mental Health Team (“CMHT”), and I agree with that, but they refused to see me, blatantly lied to me and messed me around with constantly changing goalposts for 6 months, which has only made matters worse! Just what do I do now? I simply can’t carry on like this - it’s mental torture and I’ve had enough! I can honestly only see one way out, and at least it would leave one less patient for CMHT to abuse...

    So, how do you keep going?

    I don't in many ways.  i stopped giving a damn long ago.  I have depression and anxiety, but can not treat either pharmaceutically due to being allergic to all SSRI/SNRI/MAOI at an anaphylaxis level.  i have a small scrip of valium that I use sparingly to deal with the anxiety.  As for the depression, exceptionally heavy duty gym sessions help a lot.  Im talking benching big weights and wrecking my body every which way, at least three times a week.  Doing that seems to keep a lot of the depression and anxiety at bay.  In many ways the depression and anxiety are overshadowed by severe allergies which regularly do try to kill me, but have so far failed to do so.

    Mental health services are not good in general.  I watch them kick people out of the hospital regularly with quite severe behavioural issues, so they can be cared for in the community.  So for a depressive you have no chance outside of a pharmaceutical route, or finding something else like the exercise route. 

    Don't joke about the suicide route, you dont get to do that.  Life is generally crap, but you will get out of bed and deal with it regardless.  You need some medication and maybe a change of GP.  Any GP could give you a scrip for fluoxetine, Citalopram, Mirtazapine, Sertraline or any other anti-depressant.  How well your doctor knows you and your condition will probably factor into whether you can get benzos as a short term band aid.  For me, sertraline was the most beneficial, but came with a ton of side effects and then I became allergic to it, like the others.  You need to prioritise your access to a GP.  if thats not possible call 111 and get a referral to an out-of-hours service as a possible way to bypass the wait time.  Be honest with them and with the doctor you see, tell them your GP is messing you around, the CMHT is messing you around and you need a scrip for your depression as you feel life has become pointless.  That should get you a starter of something.  Be aware that they take a while to kick in fully.  Three months plus for Sertraline, although I found the anxiety reducing effect started fairly quickly (~3 weeks).

    Sorry if this post was a bit preachy.

  • Unfortunately I can’t give u advice but instead I hope to give you some comfort in knowing your not alone. I too am struggling and like you can’t seem to move past incidents that happened over 20 years ago. 

    What keeps me going may be naive, but the hope things may get better keep me persevering with the intermittent bouts of not wanting to die but also not wanting to live with what’s going on in my head all the time. 

    I have managed to find some ways of escaping during these hard times, I rely heavily on tv, movies, and Xbox. I use these as a form of escapism and that seems to help. The only issue with relying on these though is fitting them into real life, work and relationships as these behaviour are not seen as “normal” or healthy. I also like very loud music if thoughts are overly intrusive. 

    I hope you sort things out, and you’ve come to the right place. Since I was diagnosed a week ago this community has already help a lot. 

  • You could at least go back and discuss medication and try a very small dosage to begin with. There are possibilities. 

    If you don't try you won't know.

    I am not for meds per se and for me it didn't do the trick (I couldn't even tolerate  baby dosage) BUT people are different and the upside with meds is that it does show you what you are like without.

    Sounds strange, but it clarified lots of my own behaviourisms. 

  • It’s a waste of time unfortunately  - we’ve been doing that for years...

  • Go back to your GP and restart the procedure?

  • The last few years in particular, though as I say, there have been traumatic situations throughout my life (some of which occurred nearly 20 years ago!).

    For some reason, the pain just doesn’t seem to lessen and the memories don’t fade. As much as I want to forget these things, I just can’t and it’s keeping me in a depressed state.

    I think part of the issue is that certain traumas have been repeated again and again by different individuals over the years (which is what mental health services have managed to do to me), compounding the original pain caused, but how do I avoid that unless I avoid existing in this world entirely?

  • Are we talking about something within the last couple of years? Or the last 6 months?

    It has taken me quite a long time to "work various things through" myself. But with time the level of discomfort gets less. I know the proverbial "rose tinted specs" are just my brain changing my perception, but it's still a handy delusion to have. 

    Maybe you just need to give yourself more time than you'd imagined to get over these things?

  • To a certain extent yes, but I don’t think it’s just the injustices (after all, I’ve suffered these almost my entire life). I think it’s the sheer trauma/pain that the situations have caused me that I just can’t seem to forget or recover from. 

  • Would you say you're obsessing over recent injustices, and struggling to move on?

  • Thanks for the link, it’s an interesting analogy that is accurate in some ways to myself. I do think that mental health issues are present for me too though, and that it’s not all just autistic overload.

    Similarly to yourself, I’ve cut back where I’ve had to - I work part-time now, I’ll avoid certain environments entirely and I avoid social events wherever possible...I do what I’m comfortable with as I just can’t cope with any more. Still though, my poor mood persists, but I think it’s mostly because I can’t process/get over certain things that have been done to me.

  • Rubber band analogy?

    books.google.co.uk/books

    These days I just do less. I get paid less, and interact with others in RL far less. I have a job now, not a career. 

  • I really wish I could. I used to be able to shove everything down and keep on plodding as it were, but since my first mental breakdown I’ve not managed to do it again.

  • Put all that stuff into a box at the back of your mind, then unplug the cable leading to it. 

    Pretty much the same solution adopted by BNFL. Nirex *cough* RCF *cough*