Published on 12, July, 2020
Before I was carted off to hospital a few years ago for threating to burn the house down to harm my immediate family for putting themselves first. I've started to wonder if my feelings that they wanted me dead were genuine or out of disorder.
I'm slowly starting to realise that my feelings that others get to help themselves to me at their discretion because of my naive autistic weakness is a normal reality that I'm having to face. Unfortunately, regardless of what labels are used or how much medication I take, people get high off others and nothing seems to stop this glee to find a never ending supply of objects to hate, other than their own kind.
They are entitled to me and I'm entitled to kill myself because of them. The community of haters is like an invisible web that lies within society. The more they **** each other, the worse it gets because there are more of them playing this power trip game.
I've been meaning to give the NAS a call for some time but what on earth is there to say? We have the whole planet to ourselves and yet we squander it by taking out those that are different because someone said so. I guess I should be lucky that I have a roof over my head but what's the point when my own life is being used as a weapon? What good is good if there is no hate to back it up? The whole situation seems ridiculous to me.
The haters seem to win themselves and the fakers lose themselves to them. How can I be genuine when the social fabric of life is to be consumed by those that know how broken the game is by wielding themselves as some kind of debt to be repaid. A claim that their claim is more valid because they said so.
If I was to put this delusion of self first, how would I be any different from those that want me dead? I do not want to be one of you. If I was to be myself, then I what choice do I have other than retaliation?
I feel poisoned... Poisoned for being one of you.
Sorry I didn't reply earlier. I didn't get a notification of your reply. It sounds like everyone around me is pulling you around according to what they want. I don't know the full situation but what I can make of what you have posted it seems a pretty stressful situation.
It sounds like your dad wants one thing and your mom wants another, meanwhile you are stuck inbetween trying to listen to both sides. You've got to do what's best for you. The whole loan/tenant situation seems very stressful. Especially having to pay back the money when things seem at their worst. Does your mother want you to take less responsibility? It might be best for you for a while.
I had to really re-evaluate my life a few years ago. I had a good job, I had other things going on to make money, and a social life. I had lots of material things. All of it was bullshit I didn't need. I was ending up on a mental health ward every few years. My alcohol and drug use was massive. All because of some obligation to a society that didn't really care who I was.
I was trying to lead a life that was basically incompatible with my ASD. I wasn't diagnosed at the time. Eventually about 5 years ago I went totally batshit insane. I couldn't have told you my own name.
I had to think about how unimportant all the bullshit I had been putting myself through was because of my own and others "delusion of self". When I was psychotically mentally ill, I couldn't function. Most people were more concerned with their own lives than what was happening to me. They couldn't care less. The people that I'd spent most of my adult life trying to satisfy.
I had tried to hide my ASD until it broke me. When it did it was the best thing that happened. I got diagnosed then started to evauate my life. I started to realise that the main thing that mattered was my own well being. If I can't function how can I help myself, never mind others? I realised some of it was my arrogance and the arrogance of others. The "delusion of self". I don't want to please other peoples needs, or sate my own ego. I'm not that important and neither are they. I started to sell stuff, only take on situations and responsiblities I could handle, and tell people no. If I'm going to lose my sanity what use is a house, a wardrobe full of clothes, a load of consumer goods, a bunch of fair-weather friends and some money going to be me in a mental health unit.
If things are getting to the point where you can't handle it, don't be ashamed to say so. If you need to tell people that they need to start accepting the situation, do it. If you have people around you that don't go along with it, politely tell them to **** off. Balance is more important than you or them. If there isn't balance, life becomes unfair. Look after your own needs. The people that matter will still be around when you have found that balance. You'll be surprised at who is still around too. You'll also find new strengths. You'll also find what really makes you at ease and happy. You will build a life where you can function and survive. It will take a bit of change and time, you can do it.
I'm still learning everyday but I'll get to where I need to be. So will you.
Good luck with tomorrow. All the best.
You are under pressure. PIP and ESA assesments seem to do this to a lot of people. Hold out until after the 6th and see how you feel then. "Delusion of self" is a thing, I understand that philosophy. Trust me. 5 years ago I was officially suffering with psychosis. Finding a way to lose that "delusion of self" helped me survive. But you need to balance that sense of mental freedom with finding peace with the fact that most of the world has that delusion. You are you, conciousness and not a sack of flesh. That's a thing most people fear, the amount of self-reflection that takes. If you can deal with that, you can conquer most things. Try and live in the moment, let go. Worrying won't make the 6th go away but it won't achieve anything either. Get through the next few weeks and then see how you feel. I seem pretty together and open but I've been where you have been. You can get through it. You aren't the problem. The problem that is making you feel like that is the problem. All the best.
Dear NAS15974,
I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.
If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.
If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx
The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.
MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.
If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.
If you need help with an autism related issue, our helpline can be emailed via webform https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/questions.aspx or they’re open Monday to Thursday 10am-4pm and Friday 9am-3pm on 0808 800 4104.
Ayshe Mod