Wearing masks...

Until I discovered that I am likely autistic and understood what that means I was constantly wearing masks. I felt absolutely exhausted and miserable after them. I spent huge amount of time trying to be ''normal'' and failing.

In my case those mostly were/are, job interviews, meetings with other people, phone calls, using the public transport, trying to fit in, handshakes, social interactions, small talks, trying to cope with noises and smells and clocks on the walls making noises.

I have went to some social gatherings only to discover that whenever I am in a loud or crowded place with lots of people talking at once I have trouble focusing on one person or source. I could barely make out anything the person standing only a few feet in front of me is saying.

Obviously, the effort to keep the masks on has taken its toll on my mental and physical health. I had no support whatsoever. I was so unhappy and I felt absolutely miserable. For a long time, the only thing that made me happy was eating. So, I was eating too much and very unhealthy food.

I am still wearing some masks at work. For example, try to do handshakes to be polite and not rude, suppress my stimming, something that really comes me down when I am anxious and also makes me happy. Also, not fighting for the adjustments that would really help me to do the work much better and feel much better.

Since I try to do exactly what feels right for me, not what the society expects me to mo, I feel much happier. Like huge weight off my shoulders. However, it is difficult as I sometimes feel the others expectations, pressure to behave like a ''normal'' person.

Do you (still) wear masks?

  • Sounds like you’re describing somebody with narcissistic personality disorder, who are amongst the most hurt people on the planet. Their intention isn’t to destroy others, although it appears that way, it is simply to try and make themselves feel a little bit better in the only way they know how. They’re just at the extreme end of the spectrum of human beings, we are all after connection and recognition from others but due to the way they internalised the trauma they experienced as children, they go to extreme lengths to get validation. Autistic people are similar in a way in that we put on this mask to make us appear ‘normal’ so we too can get that validation. We’re all on a soectrum, it’s just that some of us are at the more extreme ends, so much so that we can actually be diagnosed as having an actual condition. Unfortunately nt’s don’t have that excuse. 

  • ....anything but to appear just as flawed, lost and maybe as screwed up as me! lol Laughing 

  • Have you met my sister?   : /   

  • I too have no idea what, if anything, is behind the masks or facades that 'popular' NT's portray and for the life of me cannot understand how / why the most unpleasant people also appear to be the most popular ones in the NT world.

    As far as I can tell, they are completely obsessed with themselves and with their own personal gain (in terms of admiration from others, no matter how misguided or undeserved that admiration is) at the expense of those they consider inferior to themselves, which is just about everyone. They are like vampires, and other NTs are so willing to let them have a bite. Unfortunately, what they really seem to crave is to utterly destroy the psyches of those that are vulnerable. In other words, they are sociopaths. They cannot stand to have anyone see through their mask to the conscienceless creature hiding behind it. They will lash out when they are discovered or suspected, and they won't hesitate to destroy someone else in order to keep their secret.

  • You have described what I consider masking to be, perfectly! Better than I could have done as it sounds as if you have more insight into it than I've managed to gain so far. 

    Your experiences of it, and of interactions and relationships with NT's, I can entirely relate to - unfortunately.

    I too have no idea what, if anything, is behind the masks or facades that 'popular' NT's portray and for the life of me cannot understand how / why the most unpleasant people also appear to be the most popular ones in the NT world.    

  • As I look back on my life, I have done reasonably well when I have found myself in a new situation with new people, at least for a while. This has been the case because I have unconsciously become a person different from myself, a "normal" person. One could indeed liken this to wearing a mask.

    As time went by in each of these new situations, everyday stresses, as well as specific sources of stress, such as when someone else behaved in an unusual or unexpected way, when someone started treating me differently that they had treated me before without a known reason, or simply work pressures or lack of sleep, chipped away at the mask, gradually exposing my true "face" or personality.

    Even before my diagnosis, I had come to realise that nobody likes the "real" me, and the stress of being "exposed" made the remnants of the mask chip away even faster, until I was completely "maskless" and there was nothing I could do to cover myself up again. At that point, everyone around me had made it very clear that they found me extremely annoying and some were openly hostile, but most simply ignored me and considered any room with just me in it to be empty.

    The worst people were the ones that were nice to my face but spoke about me and sabotaged me behind my back. With them I felt that I was accepted without my mask and that they actually liked the true me. With them I shared my intimate secrets and my trust, because, after all, they were my firends and one should feel free to be oneself around one's friends. Obviously I had no idea what a friend really was or how to tell whether someone is a true friend.

    At least I did eventually learn how to tell when someone wasn't a friend (or a very nice person at all), but I was in the habit of giving people the "benefit of the doubt", excusing the way they seemed to treat me sometimes, and accepting their word, even when logic screamed at me that what they were saying was unlikely to be true. Eventually, a line would be crossed, and I would finally realise that the person I thought of as a friend was the exact opposite. There was no going back from that. To me that person was no longer even a human being, let alone a friend.

    But the damage had already been done. Not only was the real me chipped away a little bit by the whole experience, just as the mask had been, but I had also suffered more tangible losses, such as my job and eventually my career. As if that weren't bad enough, what stings the most is that others who were involved only peripherally (including those who considered me invisible) came to believe that I was no longer around because I wasn't good enough, or smart enough, or that I hadn't worked hard or that I was downright lazy.

    I feel so humiliated that even though I am just as smart and capable as most people (usually much more so), and I have done everything that has been asked of me, even if the request has been unreasonable, I am considered to be a dud, deficient, stupid, not to mention very unpleasant to be around. That is not who I am. It is as if everyone is very conscious of all my shortcomings but nobody acknowledges my accomplishments and strong points, or that I am also hardworking, helpful, and supportive. I often literally drop everything I am doing to help someone else when they need it, but I am rarely even thanked, let alone have the favour reciprocated when I am in need.

    Even though it is clear to me that certain people are, quite frankly, not very nice, those seem to be the popular ones, and I cannot understand this. It is as if NTs see the world through a filter that rates each person by how socially adept they are, favouring those that excel (not to mention those that are particularly skilled at manipulating others) and ignoring every other aspect of that person.

    Perhaps those people (the popular ones) are also wearing a mask, but I get the feeling that what is behind the mask is even more horrible than what I can clearly see on the mask's surface (but others cannot). I genuinely want nothing to do with such people. If manipulation of others is a skill, it seems to me that it is something I can learn, even though I am obviously not naturally adept at it. However, I truly have no desire to learn that particular skill, and that's what makes me most different from those who are popular.

    I think that the difference between us and NTs is more about what's behind the masks we wear rather than the masks themselves. Society would have us all wear the same mask, to conform in every way, including looks and personality. For myself, I am glad that people are all different. It gives me joy to know that I can meet and learn about someone who comes from a completely different place or situation from me, because getting to know that person automatically imparts on me another big chunk of knowledge or insight about the world or existence in general. That is, until my mask wears away and that person comes to hate me just like everyone else has done....

  • I (mostly) don t wear a mask with my family at home but I don't think I could get away with it outside the house.

  • I feel that I am starting to lose the masks.

    Therefore, becoming happier as I do not have to work hard to wear them.

  • Yeah, I understand that. One minute I can be on top of the world, the next, suicidal! lol! Life’s a journey

  • Thanks for your reply, I think I'll get there in the end. I'm more optimistic today, yesterday when I wrote my message I was feeling tired and a bit naff.

  • If you make the decision to not wear the mask you will begin immediately to not wear it. Sure, you will find that at times you are wearing the mask but when you become aware that you are you are simply delighted by this as just recognising it breaks the pattern of the neural pathway that has the habit of wearing the mask. You can further erode this habit, by reaffirming that I am myself, when you realise you were wearing the mask. If you remain committed to not wearing the mask and therefore being yourself, before long you will be enjoying a wonderful adventure, exploring what it is you love to do. 

    I made a decision a few years ago to only do what I love. I used to love whatever I was doing until my mentor told me that he only did what he loved. It took me a while to realise what that meant, but now, I do only what I love. 

  • I’d say that’s pretty damn good! 

  • I only began to suspect I had Asperger's syndrome quite recently, and have spent my whole life up until now feeling confused, embarrassed and generally pretty bad about who I am. (I am now 51.) Even though I've finally found the reason I could never fit in, in spite of all my efforts, I can't stop trying. It feels all wrong not to. So yes, I'm definitely still wearing a mask. I hope in time not to need it, but I don't know how to get there, right now.

  • It’s not hard to shed the habit, only if you think it is. Trust me, if you take a scientific approach, working on the natural laws of the universe you can do it. Every time you catch yourself masking, be truly delighted with yourself and congratulate yourself on spotting it. This immediately interrupts the well worn neural pathway of the habit of masking. It effectively lessens the habit, simply by spotting it and being delighted. The habit didn’t form over night so it won’t go away over night but if you are delighted, every time you spot it, it’s like putting a *** in the chain. You weaken it and if you keep doing this, eventually the habit will break. 

    I’m your friend and will always be your friend so now you can know that know that matter what, you have always got a friend, therefore if you ever feel lonely, you can know that that is also simply a well trodden path you have been walking and now you can break that habit as well.

    Instead of trying to avoid burnout etc (which will actually only lead to burnout), focus instead on what you do want. So if it is more people in your life, think about who you want in your life, how many people do you want, what do you want to do with these other people, what will they bring to your life etc. Get into the habit of thinking about what you do want and not what you don’t want. Energy flows where attention goes and what we try to resist, persists. So if you put all your focus on all the wonderful things you want to bring into your life, that is exactly what you will bring into your life. Think of it like an adventure. Play a game. Every day do one thing towards your goal. For example, if your goal is to be yourself, then go out everyday and be yourself. For example, I’ve started to stim in public. This has been really helpful to me. The other day I went shopping for some glass storage containers for food and I could feel a meltdown coming on, so I stimmed and was able to get home without having a full on meltdown. Now I’ve done it once (stimmed in public) and experienced the benefits, I am more likely to do it next time. 

    And if you feel exhausted, that is simply wonderful. You are recognising your need for rest. So instead of thinking I’m exhausted, this is so bad. Think I’m exhausted, this is wonderful, I am able to recognise my body’s need so now I will give it what it needs and have a glorious period of rest time, then I’ll grt back to doing whatever I want to do but for now, I’m going to indulge in and enjoy my rest period. 

  • Yeah, I don’t currently have much contact with people,  very little actually, I go to my autism group once a week and that’s more than enough for me right now. And yeah, ‘unmasking’ is definitely a procedure because afterall, we didn’t learn the habit of masking over night so we won’t learn to unmask over night but once you’ve made the decision to unmask, then the jobs as good as done and any bumps in the road are simply another step closer to being unmasked. Instead of getting angry that I put the mask on, I am now delighted, because it gives me another opportunity to break the habit. 

    Who sold you on that line, that you can’t have it all? I would ask for a refund on that one. 

  • I experience the same.

    It is hard to shed the habit!

    I am also exhausted after social interaction.

  • Good for you!

    I try it too, but after 50 years of trying to fit in wearing masks, it is hard to shed the habit!  I still feel exhausted after a couple of hours of social interaction, which proofs I still make too much of an effort.  It is very important for me to stop that, because it has caused burn-out, depression, thyroid disease, leaky gut, ...  I must avoid stress (=people).

    But then, now and again, I feel lonely and friendless ...  You can't have it all ...

  • That's interesting.  I was vegan for 25 years (I back-slipped a little a few years ago, but I'm more or less back on track now).  I was really obsessive about it, and would only eat wholefoods - nothing processed.  I understood about the need for complex proteins, and especially the risk of B12 deficiency.  When I first started the diet, I had a partner who was a nutritionist.  She was particularly concerned with working with blood types, and tailoring diets to optimise nutrition, energy and general well-being.  I'm a great believer that if you put rubbish in, you get rubbish out.  I'm a little more relaxed about things now.  I drink a little more than I should on occasion.  I eat chips and snacks, and some highly-processed foods (though generally only at work).  But I also am still obsessive about ensuring I eat plenty of fruit and vegetables.  Even on freezing days, too, I'll eat salads.  I feel much better when I stick to good eating.  Same with exercise.  If I go more than 2 days without exercise, I feel bloated and unfit - even though that's just in my mind.  My GP says I'm fitter than many guys half my age.  I don't run any more (prefer cycling and swimming, which have less of an impact on the body), but I can still dash up a few flights of stairs without getting winded.  At 59, I don't think that's bad!

  • Yes, vive la difference indeed. As Temple Grandin said, the world needs all kinds of minds and most, if not all, the movers and shakers of this world are or were autistic. 

    I follow this guy, who’s into nutrition and I love him and it’s obvious to me that he’s autistic, so I follow more or less his advice. Rather than a vegan or plant based diet, he says he’s a nutritarian, meaning, he has studied what the body needs for optimal health, from a nutrition stand point and he’s worked out what foods provide that nutrition. I trust him all the more because I know he’s autistic but another eminent doctor who I follow, who used to be a heart surgeon and now cures heart disease with nutrition, says he’s ok this fella but he doesn’t seem to be aware of how other people perceive him and neither does he seem to care, which he sees as professional suicide and that he says that he won’t win arguments or favour. This guy (the autistic one) speaks very much in the manner that I do, as if we’re confident of what we say and as if we’re right, and everyone else is wrong. But it’s not like that, he is simply expressing his findings and he’s blunt, to the point and not politically correct. He’s like me, if somebody tells us something we didn’t know, that goes against what we thought but that we see is more true than what we thought, he thinks great, I’ve learned something new. It’s never about being right or wrong or winning argurments, the truth speaks for itself and if we get something wrong, fantastic, we’ve just learned something new. We must have, other wise we would never know we had been wrong. I love autistic people, I think they’re amazing, but I love nt’s as well, I find them fascinating and of course, they’re equally as amazing, but in different ways, ways that I could never be, but I have ways that they could never have and that’s ok. 

  • I escaped the prison when I realised I was autistic and I no longer have to fail at being ‘normal’ and that I can gloriously and unashamedly, be me. There are a few bumps along the way to no masking, I am finding, but they’re all good, people will eventually see that I’m not mad, bad or sad or whatever, so I don’t worry about the bumps, I simply use them as opportunities for embracing me and my quirks even more. I stim in public now and I happily talk to myself in public, I don’t care, I’m me and I have as much right to be on this planet as everybody else. I didn’t feel that prior to my realisation of autism, but now I do know who I am, never again will I do anything to ‘fit in’ because every time I do, I’m closing off a part of me and as far as we know it, we only have one lifetime in this form, so I’m going to live it the way I want to live it, not by somebody else’s idea of what’s right or normal. 

    Yes... it was a wonderful moment when I felt I no longer needed to put on all the pretences I'd used in the past.  My big problem was accounting for the fact that I could act so dim-wittedly on occasions, and seem so naive, for no apparent reason.  People must just have thought that I was subnormal, or a freak.

    I also talk to myself in public.  It's one of the things that's good about my job, working with autistic people.  Once I switch into their world, I tend to behave as they do - which feels natural.  The other staff tend to congregate together and talk to one another, whereas I prefer to congregate with the service users and talk to them.  Maybe this is why people say I come across as happy, confident and competent.  Because I'm being myself!  Maybe it isn't a mask at all.

    Yes, 'fitting in' feels like denial of self.  And why should we do this, simply to please others?

    Vive la difference!