I am currently in a position where I don't know what to do and I am feeling very very low.
The problems and stresses that I have been having at work have been getting worse and now it becoming more prevalent that my company is trying to push me out, bit by bit.
I don't live to work, but I put everything on doing a good job as that allows me to sleep at night and feel like I have a purpose.
Things haven't been great at work and there have been a number of circumstances as a result of people and pointless company policies that have prevented me from getting certain tasks done. As much as it isn't healthy, I come home and vent at my partner to try and figure out a way I can resolve it, but I know I am fighting a losing battle and it seems to be that I am being lined up since disclosing my diagnosis and have been having more time off and shutdowns at work.I hit the tipping point today where I nearly threw in the towel My boss accused me of doing nothing and not being organised or having a plan. This is after seniors constantly change their minds, causing me to have to rewrite the strategy documents and adjust budgets accordingly. No one will make a decision or even stick to one so I am left trying to figure out what the hell I am supposed to be doing as there is no guidance or support. In addition, the company constantly changes, moves my desk without warning, has new people coming and going like it's going out of fashion. I can't keep up and there is no logic to anything they do! I am currently wading through legal battles to try and get projects over the line and comply with upcoming legislation, but because no else can be bothered to do this, it falls onto me. In addition, because people can't be bothered to understand the details of a project, they often can't understand why something is being held up, so I am accused of complicating things, holding things up and being incapable of doing my job. I admit I am not perfect and I am not the easiest person to manage, but all this on top of making no adjustments for me at work has just become too much. On top of this, I have to attend a day long meeting off site tomorrow and they have booked my train tickets for me even though I said I would do this. They have booked it from the different stations I normally get the train from and have opted for the most convoluted route, that have multiple changes rather than a direct train, which is cheaper and quicker. In addition I have been told I have to go for social drinks with the colleagues afterwards, but I am in no fit state at the moment to deal with anything, especially work colleagues in a social environment!
I tried to tell my partner tonight that I can't do this anymore and I have had enough, but he accused me of giving in and letting them get at me. Again, I am told I am over complicating things, being too sensitive and just need to log things and get it sorted. Quitting is not an option apparently.
I'm too exhausted and too much at breaking point to keep this up. There is just too much change and too much going on in my life right now for me to make sense or sort things out. I have no space at home anymore and I rarely get time to myself. I am being accused of going on about being autistic even though I am trying to ask for help, which I find bloody difficult at the best of times.
Tonight I felt so low that I actually had suicidal thoughts and couldn't dismiss them as being stupid and over the top. This scared me and I don't know what to do to make people realise that I am on the verge of snapping. What must I do to show people I need help without them viewing me as weak, being over dramatic or an excuse to throw antidepressants at?
first off, I’m not an autistic adult myself, merely a parent to a young autistic child. However, if my boy ever had half the stresses and feelings you’ve put into your post just now, I’d be doing all I could to remove him from that situation. What support network do you have available to you? Parents? Support worker? Friends? Because, I hate to say it, but it doesn’t sound like work or your partner give you any when you so desperately need it. I’m afraid it sounds like changes need to be made, and they need to be decided and made by yourself. I know that really doesn’t help at all.
But let’s just focus on a positive. My husbands biggest fear for our son once he’s older Is that he’ll never find employment and be able to seek a ‘normal’ life. Lets just take a minute to appreciate that not only are you out there, but it sounds like you have one stressful and highly demanding job. The fact that you’re doing this is amazing to begin with. Don’t let the wrong job/employers take that away from you.
Please seek help/ support from someone who can offer it. And remember what’s you said t the very start of your post... you don’t live to work
I don't have any support network, other than my partner on a daily basis and I visit my parents from time to time, but they again don't like to talk about me having issues.
It's seen as a shame on the family.
I guess I set my expectations very high of myself, as up until a year ago I had no diagnosis so assumed the reason I couldn't do things like other people was because I was weak, slow to adapt or just not cut out for it. I don't believe being autistic should ever hold you back, but I also realise I have different limitations to most. Because I portray that I am keeping it together so well, no one notices that I am struggling until it is too late and even then I normally withdraw as I am unable to ask for help or I just want to be on my own. I also don't express stress or distress like other people around me, so again, no one notices how I am or how I am dealing with things.
I have spoken to work to see about what they can do to help. It has been not a lot so far, but I am pushing to show I won't let things hold me back as I am as capable as anyone else, providing I have the right things in place.