Life's Purpose Complete (almost)

At the end of this 18-month period, I've now completed the two most important jobs of my life.  I've cared for my mother during her final months, and I've written a book about that experience - and about the the experience of growing up with (then undiagnosed) autism.

With mum's passing, there's no one left.  My brother - my closest-living blood relative - might as well be a stranger I've never met.  I've honoured mum's memory in words... and there's not much else I can do.

I live alone, with my cat.  I work with autistic people.

Apart from that, I go through the motions of a life.  I pay the bills, I eat, I sleep, I get up in the morning and go to work, I come home, I watch a movie, I go to bed... I start again.

I'll be 60 next year.  Life has largely passed me by.  I don't really have anything left to do.  I don't want to travel any more.  I don't have anything I'm burning to learn.  I don't have anything left.  If it wasn't for Daisy, my cat, I'd probably take myself out of the picture permanently.  It would be so easy.  And such a release.

But she's here.  And she needs me.  So I must be here, too.

Until I'm no longer needed.

I count my remaining days with hers.

Parents
  • Thanks, everyone, for your kind comments and support.  I crash-landed yesterday.  The crap stirred up by my 'Ripostes' thread didn't help.  I wish I hadn't posted it now.  It was just meant as a bit of fun, and to let off some steam.  Nothing malicious.  But I can understand why it upset some people.  I'm sorry for that upset - but I stick to my guns on it.  No one has a right not to be offended or upset.  That much I've learned about life.

    Anyway... thanks again to you all. x

  • I found them funny too, think they didn't upset people because of something hurtful you said but because some of the problems each was about sounded painfully familiar and we can't change them.

    Wished we could do something that shows more convincingly how much you mean to people. You certainly do on here, your posts mean a lot to me, they help to understand myself and other people and to feel a little less alone, and I think it does the same to others too. Think you probably also mean a lot to people in real life, those you work with, their families... They just don't tell you so much, because they can't or they don't know about you as an individual. Try not to see the value of the work you do through the salary lens. Somehow it seems to me that you are not really lacking purpose so much but it's rather that you are struggling to see it and it is something important for you while lots of people have a lot less purpose but it doesn't seem to bother them too much. I can identify very much with that, not sure what helps though. Sometimes things happen that, looking at them at hindsight, have helped a lot, but it's difficult to know beforehand and often you would not want to make them happen anyway. Guess seeing the GP and whatever counsellor they sent me to or pills they put me on was not one of those things. Doesn't mean that it wouldn't help you, it may be worth trying but if it doesn't feel right it simply may not be right and have the opposite effect. Guess you may be a little sick of suggestions that you have either tried and they didn't work or you don't have access to them or they are not your cup of tea at all, but maybe making someone elderly who is lonely feel a little less lonely would be something to try? Some charities try to organise people to do that, visiting someone at home for an hour or two each week to give people something to look forward to, not sure if there is one in your area but maybe someone from AgeUK or so would know. Maybe it's not your sort of thing at all, so please don't feel misunderstood and more upset if that's the case, just ignore it and see it as a compliment because based on your posts I think you would be good at it. 

    Please take care Tom.

Reply
  • I found them funny too, think they didn't upset people because of something hurtful you said but because some of the problems each was about sounded painfully familiar and we can't change them.

    Wished we could do something that shows more convincingly how much you mean to people. You certainly do on here, your posts mean a lot to me, they help to understand myself and other people and to feel a little less alone, and I think it does the same to others too. Think you probably also mean a lot to people in real life, those you work with, their families... They just don't tell you so much, because they can't or they don't know about you as an individual. Try not to see the value of the work you do through the salary lens. Somehow it seems to me that you are not really lacking purpose so much but it's rather that you are struggling to see it and it is something important for you while lots of people have a lot less purpose but it doesn't seem to bother them too much. I can identify very much with that, not sure what helps though. Sometimes things happen that, looking at them at hindsight, have helped a lot, but it's difficult to know beforehand and often you would not want to make them happen anyway. Guess seeing the GP and whatever counsellor they sent me to or pills they put me on was not one of those things. Doesn't mean that it wouldn't help you, it may be worth trying but if it doesn't feel right it simply may not be right and have the opposite effect. Guess you may be a little sick of suggestions that you have either tried and they didn't work or you don't have access to them or they are not your cup of tea at all, but maybe making someone elderly who is lonely feel a little less lonely would be something to try? Some charities try to organise people to do that, visiting someone at home for an hour or two each week to give people something to look forward to, not sure if there is one in your area but maybe someone from AgeUK or so would know. Maybe it's not your sort of thing at all, so please don't feel misunderstood and more upset if that's the case, just ignore it and see it as a compliment because based on your posts I think you would be good at it. 

    Please take care Tom.

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