Are there any suicide prevention support services aimed specifically at people with ASD? I'm not sure what I'm actually asking for in particular. I have a strong urge to hurt myself but traditional helplines are not good for me because I can't speak on the phone. I use the Samaritans email service, but I have noted a pattern in their responses which makes me suspect that I might not be communicating with an actual person on the other side. Besides, I have a fairly immediate plan and email response takes some time.
I just want someone to understand that I don't want to be autistic any more. The daily effort I expend to do things that other people take for granted is greater than the sum of the rewards I get for trying. The only way I can think of to get a rest is to switch my brain off permanently. I would appreciate someone who could guide me towards a different strategy that works.
ncrbrts said:I just want someone to understand that I don't want to be autistic any more
I suspect a great many of us can relate to that. I know I can.
My pre-assessment meeting made me feel like I wanted them to give me a lethal injection, though I don't suppose they ever would.
Can I ask if you work or volunteer somewhere?
I have 3 jobs. Between them I can't make ends meet. I'm facing bankruptcy and pressure from the job centre to find something full time.
Would bankruptcy be unbearable?
https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/655164/Insolvency_Statistics_-_Q3_2017_web.pdf (page 4) suggests there were over 25,000 people declared bankrupt in the third quarter of last year alone. Therefore, though obviously an awful thing to have to go through, it need not mean the end of everything?
Have you had any contact with the wellbeing team at the district council for your area?If you go to their website and search for "wellbeing" or "mental health", something should come up.
What did the job centre say when you told them how you feel?
What sorts of jobs are they? Manual work? Something staring at a screen? Something outside?
Do you do anything nice in any free time that you have?
If I go bankrupt, I will lose my car and, since having a car is a requirement for them, I will also lose my jobs. Any shred of self respect I had (not much) will be lost.
The job centre have no idea how I feel. I go there to be talked at - every fortnight the same thing. They note the part time hours I have done, she tells me I have to make a bigger effort to either get more hours in the jobs I have (I'm supply so I can't make people go off ill) or find something better. I have been interviewed for permanent versions of the jobs I have with the organisations I work for but I didn't get them. So, basically, I am good enough to do the job when there's no one else but not good enough to be a permanent member of staff. I don't blame them, I'm fairly useless.
I should note that I have been involved with the community mental health team for years. I do not have a good relationship with them.
Is there a local autism support group in your area that you can speak to?
You said that you're "fairly useless", so your confidence has clearly taken a battering.
What would it take to become just a little bit better? What do you think held you back from securing permanent positions?
How do you spend whatever time is left when you have finished dealing with your troubles? Do you like walking, for instance? Is there a wildlife trust reserve near you?
To become better - a brain transplant or a lobotomy.
Well, either of those options should qualify you for a role in parliament...
One of the things I (still) struggle with is very black+white thinking, and being a bit too single-minded once I get an idea in my head. Sometimes I end up chasing an unachievable level of quality, and lose sight that maybe I could succeed by doing a bit less. As a result, sometimes things can seem like too much effort, and I fail to spot that there are often some quite simple things that I could do relatively easily, which would get me most of the way towards a given goal.
So for instance, you have said that you didn't feel good enough to get the permanent roles you tried for. What things could you do fairly easily to improve your chances for a modest amount of effort? Anything to improve the odds, really...
What, specifically, do you feel is holding you back from the permanent positions? Anxiety? Time keeping? Specific knowledge of a tool or procedure?
I literally have no idea what you mean by things I could do to improve my chances for a modest amount of effort. What more can I do to prove my ability than by actually doing the job as I have been? I'm not looking for a promotion, just enough that I don't have to be hounded by the dwp.
I do not perform well in interviews either. This is despite having been on loads of interview skills courses. I always get the same feedback after interviews (not enthusiastic enough) and I try to address it but I actually have no idea where to start.
I never apply for jobs that match my education and skill set, because I don't have enough experience and also don't hold the communication skills they prize so highly. I should have stayed at a brick university to finish my masters degree instead of doing it distance learning. I thought it would be a bit easier and more beneficial to find a job while I was studying but it has been a nightmare. I don't hate the jobs I have - they are connected to my study and I will be able to use my experiences when I start writing my dissertation soon (if I don't die first). As long as I can largely avoid my colleagues, its all fine.
But I can't afford to just have a job as a vanity project. I have a young child to support, and everything that goes with that responsibility.
Why might you have been told you're not enthusiastic enough? If that's something you've heard repeatedly, are there any common themes?
Youve said you're already doing the job, but on the other hand you've also said you want to avoid your colleagues... why is that?
If you followed through with your plans, what would happen to the young child you are supporting?
He would go to live with his other parent who happens to be more financially and emotionally secure than I am. It would be better for him.
I avoid my colleagues because I find people very difficult.
ncrbrts said:I avoid my colleagues because I find people very difficult
In what way do you find people difficult? Do you find the folk on this forum difficult, for instance (don't worry, I shan't be offended...)
Do you think your tendency to avoid colleagues might come across somehow to NTs during your interviews?