Gaslighting

Just wondering...

Does anyone think it might be a good idea for me to put a general message in the Staff Communication Book at work just to warn everyone about parking in that car park, because I'd received some damage to my car in there?  That way, I'm not pointing the finger or implying anything.  Just telling everyone to be careful.  I could say I've reported the matter to police.  I think that could be perceived as being thoughtful to others.  When she reads it, too, she'll probably be reassured that I don't know anything about who might have done it - but it might warn her off.

Any thoughts?

(I'm just leaving for work now - 7.30 am.  Something is going to happen today.  I can feel it.  Not looking forward to going in.)

Personally I wouldn't do this. The best way of disengaging from her  game is to avoid any unnecessary communication at all. Putting the note in the book still has the intention of communicating with her, albeit indirectly. Narcissists are incredibly clever, this will just confirm to her she's still got you on the hook.

If you want it to be 'game over' you have to pretend everything is "water off a duck's back" (someone else said that on this thread but I can't find it). I find this incredibly difficult to do myself because it goes against the principles of justice. Starving her of what fuels her behaviour is the only way to put the fire out though. 

If you are sure something is going to happen today do you have to go in to work?  Is it time to invoke that fit note you arranged? I am still off work and time away has helped me to recover my equilibrium. It was only when I stopped trying to cope that I realised how exhausted I was.

If you are off with work related stress usually a risk assessment is done before you return. The HSE provide a helpful template. This then leads to a proper action plan designed to avoid any further harm. This is the process I am going through with Union support.

For a long while I would not stop working because I thought I might not be able to go back again. Ultimately the decision was made for me when my ankle injury immobilised me. The impossibly high levels of stress I had been under then became apparent. I am glad I was forced to stop working - I think something catastrophic would have happened had I continued. 

I should not give advice because this is a decision you can only make for yourself. These are my thoughts though. Take care whatever you decide to do. Those of us who have been in similar situations really feel for you. 

Thanks, Sunflower.  I'm trying to carry on 'as normal'.  My relations with all other staff are good, and with all the service users.  I also get on very well with the bully's closest friend there.  I'm cautious with her, but she's definitely more genuine, and seems to make her own judgments about who she likes and who she doesn't.  She knows nothing of my 'issue' and I don't give her any intimating info that could be passed back.  With her, I'm normal, 'happy-go-lucky' me.

It wasn't too bad a day yesterday.  I was working in a different part of the building and didn't see her once.  I spoke to my manager at the end of the day and told her about last week (she was off last week).  She said she'd had her own car scratched in that car park.  She thought that, even though the owner of it had given us permission to use some spaces, some of the other users were still against our using it (it is a staff car park for an adjacent store), so were trying to force us off.  Even so, she admitted that the circumstances were highly suspicious.  I told her I'm going to go on as if nothing had happened.  Today will be a more challenging day, because we have several other staff members off on training.  I have, though, been offered an opportunity for a couple of shifts a week working off-site, in supported living, so I may take that up.  It's with a chap with Asperger's, so that'll be good.

I also found out yesterday that I've been shortlisted for the position at the college again.  I don't really want the longer hours and weeks, nor the longer traveling time and difficulties with parking near the site, (I estimate the traveling alone will make my day at least 2 hours longer, and will involve much stress-inducing traffic), but I can at least go to the interview and see how it goes.  To be perfectly honest, I think what I really need right now is a long period of rest.  I think, if I did take time off, that like you I would realise just how much it has taken out of me.

But the prospect of negotiating the UC system scares the hell out of me.  I could cash in a small pension I have (from when I opted out of SERPS) and live off that.  But it would only last a few months, and that would be every scrap of savings I have gone, with nothing at all to fall back on.

My psychologist encouraged me to focus on jobs that are a good fit and not to apply for roles that won't suit me. My interview earlier this week demonstrated it is not sensible to pretend everything is ok when it is not. The energy I spent was wasted and it knocked my self confidence. On the plus side I got to find out the shift pattern would not have suited me so I won't be wondering "What if..." 

I'm not going to go with this college vacancy.  I'm going to pull out of the interview.  I can't face anything else right now.

My rep seemed quite cantankerous.  She kept interrupting me before I'd got a chance to properly explain any points, which just made me more flustered. In the end, I almost put the phone down on her.  She refused to accept my argument about why formal complaints/mediation wouldn't work.  "If you don't want to take those routes, then you're better off just leaving the job."

I'm going to ring the national office first and insist on speaking to someone who has experience with ASC and this type of situation.

Incidentally going to interviews while off sick was something else I discussed with my Union rep - worth checking with yours to see what they say. 

If your local contact is not helpful talk to the national office - with autism it is important to have someone with appropriate expertise and insight into autistic communication issues when under extreme stress.

I managed to p**** off my Unison rep when I objected to an admin sssistant falsely claiming I had told her she was being unhelpful. I actually said "I am getting upset now so I am going to pass you over to my husband". My husband spoke to the Union rep and confirmed this was exactly what I had said, but since then my emails have gone unanswered. 

At my last Absence Management Interview the Union rep was 35 minutes late. I had to phone the office to ask where she was. We had met earlier that week to prepare for the meeting. I tried to confirm the time and day with her then but she just said "I never look ahead in my diary I just go wherever it tells me to on the day". I found this quite extraordinary! 

To be fair I know they are under extreme pressure and my case is probably considered to be on hold while we wait for the full ASD report to arrive. I still find it hard when someone's emails say "I will keep you updated" and then they don't! 

Thanks.  This is useful info.  Maybe the Union could actually be helpful this time, instead of basically telling me to leave my job.

https://www.ecu.ac.uk/guidance-resources/employment-and-careers/terms-conditions/managing-disability-leave-disability-related-sickness/ Definitely worth getting advice from your Trade Union 

I'll have to check that, because basically all of my sick leave so far has been for the same reason.

Another thought, your absence yesterday was disability  related and should be treated differently to absence for other reasons. 

Sorry things are this tough for you, too.  I really feel that this is the end.  I doubt I'll go back, somehow.  I can feel fine... until I get there, and then it all goes out of the window.  I'm on high anxiety all day, and I've had all I can take.  Yesterday was probably the warning I needed.

Feeling for you as these decisions are so tough to take. The Union rep I am working with is encouraging me not to go back to work too soon and risk being off again. I am now in a process of Absence Management which involves referral to Occupational Health, doing risk assessments and having meetings with managers to produce action plans.

There is a risk that this could end with me having to leave work but I had got to the point where I felt my health was in serious jeopardy. You are the best judge of how near to the line you are. The best advice I had was not to do anything rash like resigning whilst under extreme stress,  but to take my time and allow my mind and body to recover properly first. 

Decision made.  I'm going sick.

This is crunch time, I guess.  I told them I'd come in today.  But I didn't sleep last night and I feel lousy.  If I don't go in, I shall get signed off - at least until after Xmas, possibly longer.  After next week, I'll be on half-pay only for five weeks, then nothing.

I don't want to give in.  But I just know how I felt yesterday, and how relieved I was when I left the building.  Is it worth the extra stress, I ask myself?

The other thing is, if I go in today, I'll ask them to book yesterday as annual leave.  Otherwise, it'll be sick leave - which it technically was, anyway.  Thing is, it'll be my third period of sick leave in as many months, which triggers things at HR.  I'll be interviewed to find out what the issue is (as if they don't know) and what my prospects are for not going sick again.  Very low, I'd say.  Better, then, to lump it all together and take yesterday, today and the foreseeable future as sick leave.

I really can't ever see myself being comfortable in that building again.  I think I'd sooner just spend these weeks looking for something else.

I often have the same thought, having walked out of several jobs with gold-plated pension schemes. At the time I was focused on the there and then not on the distant future. Here and now it's about bridging the gap until pension age and doing myself as little harm as possible through work. 

That's pretty much the story of my life, Sunflower.  I wish I'd stayed in the civil service, because then I could retire next year with a good pension.  As it is, I think I'm going to need to rely on the generosity of the state.  Which will make me another persona non grata in the current system.

It's awful that you are being put in a position at work where you feel you have to leave a job you are good at and enjoy many aspects of. 

Thanks.  As expected - no sign of cardiac problems.  Acute anxiety attack.  The GP I saw agreed with me that the only way I was going to 'cure' the situation would be to leave the job.

The body has a remarkable way of removing us from impossible situations - it's a bit like a trip switch. Hope you are getting good compassionate care at hospital. ()

I have. Had a panic attack at work.  Subsided now,  but 111 was insistent, so at hospital awaiting tests.

uk.businessinsider.com/what-to-do-working-with-narcissist-2017-3

uk.businessinsider.com/what-to-do-working-with-narcissist-2017-3