Gaslighting

'Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilise the target and delegitimise the target's belief.'

As Aspies, I'm sure we're particularly prone to this.  I know I am. My experience, too - with a sister-in-law who's a consummate narcissist - has caused me much grief and upset over the last 30 years.  These were years when I not only didn't know that I was autistic, but I also didn't really know what her motivations were.  I've found out so much more about it all since my diagnosis, and through having someone else who knows her tell me that she isn't just like it with me.  For most of those years, I simply thought there was something wrong with me - and she was the one who, more than most, was at pains to keep reminding me.  The damage this woman has done - not just to me, but to other members of my close family - is profound.  Much of it is irreparable.  But at least now I no longer have any reason to have any contact with her - notwithstanding the fact that she's married to my brother.  I'm well rid of her.  She's controlled and manipulated our family for far too long.  My brother is her puppet.  And so competent a puppeteer is she that he doesn't even realise he has strings!  He's well and truly Stockholmed!

For years, I've been told I'm gullible, susceptible, credulous, naive, etc.  I've had my leg pulled time after time, and been the butt-end of jokes.  I've been taken for a ride, scammed, made to look ridiculous.  But I take people at face value.  If they tell me something, I tend to believe them.  Why wouldn't I?  Why would they lie to me?  But people have, and do.  It's why I detest gossip and won't have any part of it, because all it really is is manipulation and destabilisation, perpetuated by a group.  Victimising the vulnerable.  And it gives people a sense of 'belonging' to be onside in the gossip.  If you're not happy with the way someone's behaving or performing - tell them!  But no.  Gossip is easier... and it's more fun.  Huh!

Anyone else got any 'gaslight' tales to share?

Parents
  • Why is it called gaslighting? Anyone? (Am probably dumb again.)

  • Named after a famous stage play from the 1930s. 

    Gaslighting

  • There are film adaptations, too.

  • You can watch them on You Tube too.....

  • I've only just seen this full nest of messages.  I wish the site wouldn't 'hide' messages if you click on the 'Latest' link.  I couldn't understand what Sunflower was referring to with the £240.  Sorry things are bad for you, Robert - but glad that at least you got that back pay from DWP.

    Take good care.

  • You help other people to feel at home here too which I have really appreciated. 

  • So pleased to hear about the £240 being paid back and you now being exempt from the 35 hour rule.  

    I would say those two interviews probably failed you. Standard recruitment processes discriminate heavily against autistic people. 

  • Oh, I wouldn't do that.  That's not on.  But I don't see why there has to be this expectation that I will have my phone on me all the time, and have it turned on, and always be available to answer it.  Unfortunately, that 'expectation' is how society now seems to be. 

    In some ways, it's like the 'expectation' that we'll behave and respond as NTs do, because we seem 'normal' (whatever that is) in most other respects.  Phone use is still a choice, not a compulsion.  But society seems to be making it a compulsion... or, at least, making people feel it's 'anti-social' if they don't have a phone.

  • But I was serious about complaining about my cousin keeping his mobile phone switched off and hidden at home.

    When at our local club/bar, he often askes to borrow my phone ( and other people's).  To phone home to tell his mother that he's leaving, to check she's ok, what food to buy on the way home etc.   Wouldn't it be easier if he just carried a mobile phone with him?

  • Haha!  I don't always get sarcasm Wink

  • I was being sarcastic.  This is the only social media site that I feel at home at.

  • I wouldn't call this site 'social media nonsense'.  It's actually very useful and informative - and a place where we can all go for support and mutual understanding.  I mean things like Facebook, Twitter, etc.  Some people at work are using their phones throughout the day, and I can see it's either FB, Twitter or Instagram - or dating sites.  It's becoming a real problem in the workplace everywhere.  Some companies are even running training courses to try to wean their staff off of phones.  At the last place I worked, phone use was banned outside of breaks.  If you were caught using it when with a client, they had a '3 strikes and you're out' policy. 

    The thing that gets me is the expectation that I will have a phone and will be monitoring it all the time.  But I never use it at work, unless I have to call or text someone in another part of the building on a work-related issue, which is very rarely.  It also gets me that it's the company's expectation that I'll have a phone - but they don't pay me for its use.  Phone ownership isn't compulsory, after all.  If I decide not to have a phone at all, they'll have to provide me with one.

    Like I said - these things are useful to have.  Some people don't have computers at home, so the phone is everything.  It's the impact it has in a wider context, though.  People shouting into their phones on public transport, so that everyone can hear.  People using their phones whilst driving or working.  Phones going off in the cinema or theatre, in meetings or lectures.  Someone at work said a phone went off at a funeral she went to a few weeks ago.  I just think 'What can be so important that you can't just switch the thing off for a couple of hours?'  But this is how central these things have become.

  • Good news with UC is that I've managed to get the £240 they owed me from September.  And because of my mental health issues I'm going to be exempt from the 35 hour rule. Which says you have to record 35 hours of job search related activity every week, or they will sanction you and leave you penniless.

    Bad news is I'm unemployable and I failed two interviews in the last two weeks.

  • That's not good although I can relate 100%. Since Monday not good. Thought it was weather-related. Take care.

  • Snap. As Dr Seuss said “unslumping yourself is never much fun”. Hows it going with UC? I know yiu were worried about having some form of sustainable income.

Reply Children
  • So pleased to hear about the £240 being paid back and you now being exempt from the 35 hour rule.  

    I would say those two interviews probably failed you. Standard recruitment processes discriminate heavily against autistic people. 

  • Good news with UC is that I've managed to get the £240 they owed me from September.  And because of my mental health issues I'm going to be exempt from the 35 hour rule. Which says you have to record 35 hours of job search related activity every week, or they will sanction you and leave you penniless.

    Bad news is I'm unemployable and I failed two interviews in the last two weeks.