Published on 12, July, 2020
Did anyone else find the Chris Packham show (https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b09b1zbb/chris-packham-aspergers-and-me) worrying?
Had Chris chosen to be single, I would have applauded every aspect of this show and agreed wholeheartedly with his horror at the 'curative treatments' he witnessed in the USA / sentiment that his Aspergers was an intrinsic and positive part of his make-up.
But he isn't single, and I was horrified at how casually the show treated the dysfunction in his relationship with Charlotte.
He admitted to having difficulty in empathizing with other humans. The only feeling he expressed for Charlotte was gratitude that SHE loved HIM; he showed her no affection, avoided physical contact with her, said that he only knew how long they'd been together because she had told him (10 years), aggressively forced her to greet his dog before he otherwise acknowledged her after a significant period of time apart... for her part she acknowledged many difficulties in the relationship but the show presented her concluding that it was worth it because she so admired how his mind works. Was that just editing? Can it really be enough? Surely anyone can admire how his mind works, it doesn't mean that you have to be in an exclusive 'romantic' relationship / 'partnership' with that person to witness it.
I worry for her enormously, because I am only just now recovering from a "catastrophic" end to a relationship with a man on the Autism Spectrum. I wrote on this forum about it last year. The short version of it is that I supported him for years, and he ended our relationship a few hours after my Dad's traumatic death because HE found it too intense.
There was more too, but beyond the scope of this post. It's impossible to express the psychological impact these events have had on me, it was devastation upon devastation. That was about a year and a half ago. It has been a very tough time and although I'm starting to pull through now, my own mental health has been in the toilet for most of it.
What is a relationship for if not reciprocal intimacy and support? The show completely glossed over his really unpleasant attitude to humans in general, and Charlotte in particular. In addition, I'm concerned that the show may have given the impression that treating a partner with such disdain is acceptable. It's not.
I completely agree that Aspergers has unique potential to offer a whole other set of intellectual skills which are of enormous value to humanity, but it is my opinion that it is irresponsible for someone who does not have the capacity for human empathy to be involved in a romantic relationship.
I have held off replying to this until now but feel I have to put my three ha'pence in.
Relationships are different for everyone. What one person sees as the 'ideal' relationship another will find unbearable. Some couples are very tactile, smothering their partners with hugs and kisses, and never having a moment of time on their own. Others manage to keep a long-distance relationship together with no outward sign of emotion.
It is surely not for us to judge other people by our own standards. I do know it is a trait of many people to pass comment on what others are doing even if it is legal and does not affect anyone else. And we all know that others passing judgement made perfectly loving relationships the victims of the law until quite recently even though they were causing no one else any harm, because of the seeming need of interference in how others conducted themselves in their own way in private.
How Chris, or anyone else, conducts his relationship is up to him and his partner. His partner is not being forced to endure the partnership, she is old enough to understand and is willing to accept him. And as a way he is affected by autism, it put a powerful point across. The point that he feels that his relationship is best served by living apart and seeing each other on a regular basis but not living together. And however frustrated his partner is over this she accepts this. This is what Chris is like, and to change that she would not have the same person who she is obviously very fond of. Yes, relationships do break down as I know to my cost, but once again we do not have the information and I don't believe it is any of our business to try to predict this in other people.
I have a grown up daughter and would never dream of interfering in how she wishes to conduct her relationship with her boyfriend. She is old enough to decide for herself. And likewise I would never dream of passing judgement on a couple I didn't know who are conducting their lives in a way that is ultimately acceptable for them however we may have interpreted it.
Yeah, there are as many types of relationships as there are people and we all want different things. Some people just want companionship while others want deep soul connections. We're all living and learning and we can learn from other people as well as from our own experience but making judgements never helps anyone and if we can accept ourselves, we can accept everyone else.