Friends and social life

I have recently been thinking about my social interaction with people and other than the people I work with, I only have my partner for social interaction.

Up to a point I am fine with this and still seek being on my own away from my partner, which he understands and is happy to accommodate.  However, I have been wondering if this is a completely healthy way of going about life.  I'm not lonely and if anything find I will do anything to find isolation following work, as I am normally feel overwhelmed at the end of a shift.

What I am debating in my head is whether I am in a bit of a rut and have accepted this isolation and therefore it doesn't affect me?  At the moment, I am happy being with just my partner and looking after my animals.  My partner has been a little concerned in the past, but I think like me has accepted that this is the way I am and shouldn't force social interactions on me.  I hear from others though that social interaction makes us happy and stops us feeling isolated and depressed.  If I didn't have my partner and animals, then I may be able to relate to this better.  

I find friendships hard work and difficult to keep.  One side of me said I will be putting unnecessary stress on myself by trying to find new friends (especially with similar interests to me!), the other side of me is thinking about the fact that I have become to reliant on my partner and animals for social stimulus and should instead step outside of my comfort zone.

Has anyone else had this debate and come to some sort of logical conclusion of what is best or has experienced the outcome for themselves?  Fr

  • Being with my friends is such a fun :) 

  • Thank you seekeraftertruth.  That has helped and has made me realise I need to stop being so hard on myself about these things.

  • None taken!

    thats why I prefer online communication. Can’t get anything wrong! It’s there. Written. 

  • That was directed generally ....not just at you Chewie.....lol....don’t want you gettin  the wrong idea.......  Joy 

  • i agree....why fuss over the physical.....hey...look up....there is a brain, a heart and a soul going on here! You could be missing out on a much greater adventure! 

  • On the positive...I would like to say I have met some lovely people online here.....not asked for a single nude picture yet! Lol

  • Physical attraction and being able to hold a conversation.

    Surely must be someone out there that ticks those two boxes for me?

    I’m older now to not worry about all the other stuff because it’s inconsequential.

  • As Plumlet says (love the name btw) things are possible if you can wade through the frogs and are careful...

    met my oh online...btw....Black Friday deal (Joke)

  • Very true.....people often have their own idea of what “connecting” means...and it can be a dangerous terrain....esp. for the vulnerable 

  • you won't survive a day on a dating site if you deactivate your account everytime someone asks you for nudes

  • NAS35212 said:
    Now I have been diagnosed I have started to realise just how isolated I have become. I now feel ready to try and face the world again but I am unsure how to do this. After having a good think about things I really do want to be with people that understand me, where I can just be me and that is completely OK, where I don't have to explain myself over and over again and where I am not judged unfairly.

    This is a good place to be to find those connections with people....

    Ellie

    42, self diagnosed Aspie and a full time middle manager 

    also coping.

  • Hi Starbuck. I am exactly in the same place as you are. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 38 (I turned 39 2 days ago). I had a certain perception about myself before I was diagnosed but, 4 months later, I have had to reassess who I am and where I am in life. I find making friends incredibly difficult and I can't maintain relationships. I have always been in executive jobs and felt that my personality traits were suited to this colder, harsher and unemotional environment. I assumed that I had no friends at work because, as a senior manager, it is to be expected that people remain more aloof. I have come to understand that the problem is actually with me and my ability to socialise.

    Prior to my diagnosis of high functioning autism I was wrongly misdiagnosed as having a whole plethora of mental health problems. I couldn't comprehend that the person in those reports was actually me and I never accepted it. Every time I voiced my concerns I was told that my refusal to accept this misdiagnosis was evidence that I did indeed suffer from the issues identified! As a result I became very unsure of myself in every situation and the stress of the repercussions of the misdiagnosis caused me health problems. I was diagnosed with PTSD, trauma and anxiety. I couldn't cope with life and gave in work.

    I retreated into myself and surrounded myself with rescue dogs. I have always felt happier in the company of animals and have always rescued animals. Being at home with my 4 dogs has given me a purpose in life and a reason to get up every day.

    I also have a supportive partner and we have been together for just over 5 years now. He works in psychology and has spent time working with autistics who are lower functioning. Until my diagnosis I was happy to be completely reliant on him for my social interactions or to stay at home. It is great that my partner sees me for the person that I am but I do think at times he forgets that I am autistic. As a consequence I feel overburdened in our communications together which frustrates me.

    Now I have been diagnosed I have started to realise just how isolated I have become. I now feel ready to try and face the world again but I am unsure how to do this. After having a good think about things I really do want to be with people that understand me, where I can just be me and that is completely OK, where I don't have to explain myself over and over again and where I am not judged unfairly. I don't want to be dependent upon my partner. Prior to my misdiagnosis I always considered myself as an extrovert. I do like the company of other people up to a point. At the end of the day human beings are social animals regardless of our autistic constraints. I have come to the decision that I want to cut the apron strings and start doing things for myself again, to empower myself and learn how to manage social interactions in a way that I too can benefit from. I have today made an effort to talk to my neighbour for the first time in 4 years! It turns out we have a lot in common and we have said we are going to start attending keep fit classes together. I have been open with her about my autism and she has been great. It is a small step which I think will make a huge difference and one that I can learn from and build on. It won't be easy but I think by feeling more independant will be a good thing for me.

  • again. looking into a mirror.

  • At my workplace they encourage what they call the "work/life balance", and they're very big into mental health support and awareness. For me, I work 8am-4pm then leave all my work at work and go home, that's it for the night. I don't class people at work as friends, they are colleagues, although I am friendly towards them (I class friends as "someone who's house I would go round", which is only 1 person at work). But, it doesn't seem to matter that much, because I'm polite and friendly to people, and I'm good at what I do, so people feel comfortable enough to approach me, I just come across as someone who keeps himself to himself a bit. Or they don't notice me, which is fine too :) . Everyone is so busy that it's common for me to not speak to anyone all day if I'm involved in a task (like today - 8 hours without conversation so far!). I also have a reputation for being good at what I do, and that's respected by everyone at my workplace, so that also helps, because the relationship you have with someone at work can be different than a 'friend' relationship if you're both there to do a good job; you can still have respect for someone without being best buddies. I don't really feel I get excluded, but I think that's because of the way work is structured here - everyone is in a team but each person is an expert in a different aspect of the work, so half the time people work as a 'team of 1' because they're the expert in the task they're doing, and if you need to involve someone else's expertise, you just assign the rest of the task to them and they hand it back when they're done. It's all very efficient.

    I think my point is that there's other ways at work that you can compensate for not wanting to do the social stuff, for example being good at what you do - this is something ASD lends itself well to, because you might find it easy to become expert in certain things to a much greater degree than others, and they end up coming to you for help or advice for their own work, and if you're able to help them then they appreciate that and it can make them think differently of you or behave better towards you. This may also depend on your workplace - if it's a smaller place then 'social glue' might be considered important to getting teams to work well with each other; I don't know as I've only ever worked in one place and there's 300 people in my department. If you can showcase your skills, people might want to work with you, as you'll both get a better result for the company if you work together, and that's ultimately what you're all there for. Also, if you're feeling excluded you could speak to your manager about this - saying you don't do the social stuff as well as others but you make up for it by being good at what you do, and see how they can help you. They have to make "reasonable adjustment" by law, to give you the same opportunities as others, so that's an avenue you could investigate - it's not necessarily up to just you to solve the problem, it's your manager's job too to get their workers working their best together, to create better outcomes for the company.

    Hope that's of some use.

  • Very valid point and something I have not considered really.  I guess I have been working so hard to 'fit-in' that I often sidetrack my own needs.

    Your above point perhaps resonates more with me presently as work has been very busy recently and has meant that I have been travelling more and meeting more new people.  The result is I am completely burnout and non-functioning after work and at some periods during work.  This has meant I have isolated myself more from the people I normally talk to and socialise with, such as family and even my partner.  My partner has mentioned that I am making myself ill and he is really worried about me.

    If anything this has demonstrated to me that I can't push myself constantly outside of my comfort zone in the hope of improving my social situation.  All it has manifested in is my well-being decreasing, my special interests subsiding and any social interactions I already have diminishing - so in effect it has caused the complete opposite.

    Like you have stated, I am happy just spending time with my partner and on certain occasions family (although that is in small doses).  I don't feel lonely or like I am missing out on anything - it is more the pressure to be a certain way rather than what I think I need.  I get a lot of pressure from work to attend social events and the like, but always turn them down.  It does mean that I am excluded from the working group at work and as such, I feel I have to work harder to get people to want to work with me to get stuff done.

    My previous jobs have always involved me working on my own which I much preferred, so it has all been a bit of a learning curve.

    Thank you for the insight.  I will stop rambling now :)

  • you just need your 'comfort space'. I'll tolerate small circles for short periods, and can go off the radar for weeks and maybe months.

    Even when I was in a relationship, i found it all a bit overwhalming because it meant being 'social', and usually in situations where I didnt wanna be (surrounded by uncontrollable drunks).

    If i meet friends, its always for dinner now.

  • My reply hasn't registered....sorry I can't remember what I said now....I was trying to be helpful though!

  • I've tried numerous dating sites and felt short changed cause I feel it's mainly fakes and scanners oh send me a voucher and I'll send you nudes no thanks as soon as that happens I deactivate the account and try again sometime later. I'm often declined for the smallest of things ie music tastes the team I support and in a way (with the few women I've spoken dirty with) don't agree with my wants if the relationship went down that avenue if that makes sense 

  • Hi Sean.

    Relationships can be challenging for everybody , there are many ingredients which make them successful but also many things which will make them fail and these things are not always obvious and if that is the case it requires effort and an element of learning about dating/ relationship etiquette/ rules.

    People can be very fussy and picky about the smallest things ( especially guys I've found! ) and from my own experience I've found that appearing too 'keen' on the other person is a no no which doesnt make sense to me but it can make a person run away...as can being too 'distant' emotionally. Another deal breaker can be what they like/ dislike etc...people are all different so one girl might like holding hands but another girl might not. My boyfriend is extremely polite about that sort of thing so I felt very comfortable around him as I'm not at all happy for people to touch me unannounced! Anyway that is just a snippet of my experiences...

    If Being autistic or having learning difficulties is putting girls off then they are not the right girls for you.As the world becomes more educated about autism attitudes may change but there are still people out there who are not so judgemental so keep looking and perhaps you will need to look outside the geographical area you're in?

    Online isn't a terrible place to socialise and I know many people who aren't autistic who met their husbands/wives online on a dating site, it's nothing to be embarrassed about especially if you live in a remote area or have limited opportunities for meeting people. If you have any severe difficulties with aspects of dating or indeed everyday living then there are specific dating sites which can be more helpful and supportive.

    And as you have seen on here people who are autistic do manage to sustain long term relationships , including marriage and so I hope this will give you some hope that although it may be difficult it is not impossible.