Appointment tomorrow, advice.

I have an appointment tomorrow with ASC Diagnostic Service. It says that this appointment will be able to tell me whether I will be offered an assessment for autism. 

I am very anxious about this as my whole life I have felt so different, I am a 23-year-old, female who attends university for animation. 


Here's a bit about me;

All my life I have felt different from others my age, I feel in my head I am so much younger than the people around me. 
Looking people in the eye when they talk to me makes me feel uncomfortable, I make weird sounds and faces quite a lot and I don't know why. It's something kids do but I find myself doing it quite often. I find it hard to think clearly most times. I can not usually get out in a logical way what it is I want to say, and this makes me so infuriated. Many of my friends have made the comment that I am oblivious to life, I try and understand what people ask of me but it's easier if they break it down, which causes great problems in university as one of my lecturers just doesn't understand mental disabilities exist. I am so strange and weird in comparison to everyone else that I know of my age. I find it difficult to stay in a job without doing something wrong that in my head isn't wrong. I hate being out in large groups and I avoid social occasions at all costs. 
I hate change and I like to stick to things how they already are. I can happily watch the same movie over and over again for days on end. I have a select amount of phrases I tend to use over and over again in response to what people say.
I tend to eat the same things, and I have to use particular silverware and cup. 
Another thing my parents point out that I do (which I have noticed) is I cover my ears a lot. For example, if someone is saying something to me I have already heard I can't stand to hear it, so I cover my ears. If I am in a place where noise is too loud I will instantly cover my ears. Another example when I cover my ears is when I am in a car and I am going over a speed bump, I have to cover my ears. I hate being touched. Hugs, except from my girlfriend are not appreciated in the slightest. I cannot stand people tapping my shoulder, or touching my hair. 
Relationships have ALWAYS been a big problem for me and often end in arguments. Every relationship I have been in has been rather toxic and bad for my mental health. 
Speaking of mental health, I have always suffered from depression from being around 14. 
I like to budget like crazy. I love and enjoy working out my budget weeks in advance and following it. I work it out approximately every 3-4 days. 
When people talk to me I answer them but they usually always ask me to elaborate. One thing that my friends do say is that I have no filter. I say things that other people wouldn't dream of saying out loud and I don't even realise I shouldn't have said it until I have been told. 
I like to smell things, before putting a t-shirt on, I have to smell it. Even if I know the smell of something, I have to smell it. I have to sleep with certain pillows due to the sound of them. 

If you read all of this, thank you, haha! This is just a small insight to my life and I would love any thoughts on what you think. Are these signs of autism?
Also, has anyone else had this pre-assessment appointment before? If offered an actual assessment, how long was it before you got it and what happened from there?
ANY information would be appreciated greatly!  

Parents
  • Hi.

    well done for seeking out this appointment. Is this in order to start a pathway in order to understand yourself more?

    i totally relate to your comments. I am 42, a professional woman who has just finished her MA in Games Design. Part of this study I think was purely to help quieten an over active head space and help to make sense of something amongst the security of academia.

    do let me know how your appointment goes. I am considering seeing my doctor to request a referral myself. Have just read Odd Girl Out and feel like a carbon copy of this Aspie writer....what is the real me and what is the autism and the network of self woven coping strategies.

    best wishes out there!

  • Hi there,

    I noticed you're trying to find a way of explaining your 'differences' to your husband.  I usually say things like I'm a cat in a world of dogs - trying hard to be like a dog by copying their behaviour, in order to be accepted by the dogs.  But this isn't natural behaviour for me.  Really, I prefer to behave in my cat-like way.  And the dogs often can't accept me on that basis.  Instead of seeing a cat trying hard to be a dog... they see a failed dog!

    Another way is to liken the differences to computing systems.  I don't have a processing error.  I have a different operating system.  I'm personally trained on Windows.  I've tried Apple Mac.  I simply can't get my head around it.  It does the same stuff - but in a different way. 

    And here's a meme I did, based on something I read on this site.  It's quite apt. 

    Not sure if any of this helps, but you could try it on him.

    Best regards,

    Tom

  • Thank Tom

    definately a cat in a world of dogs (though sometimes they become wolves)....my husband kind of gets that I am different and he likes the benefit of a HFA wife - I.e stuff gets done and his world is well ordered and safe. It is just trying to unpick for him the over thinking brain, the tiredness of a day in a dog world. How surprises, unpredictability and noise can unsettle when I need some quiet time.

    deciding if I go through the process of seeking a diagnosis, that might help...but there seems (looking at the forums) little support in getting a diagnosis, or post diagnoses for old cats like me!

    Liking the meme!

    meow

  • Wow Tom - such an honest response!!

    i hope where you are working now is much more a tune to you and your working preferences.

    i have always been the coper, people know that I will just get on with the job and get everything done and meet everyone's practical needs at least (emotionally or relationship-wise and you'll have to bear with me). This has caused moments of immense pressure at times - such as my mum leaving my dad when I was 14 years old so took the lead on the practical things in running a household, to coping alone when my first marriage broke down....now it is looking after my husband and son as well as remotely my husbands three daughters...

    Because it looks like I am coping then people think I am fine...but inwardly it is constantly a battle.

    curly topped number 3's are the best sort anyway and I am pleased that you seem happy with your Aspie name badge.  I am just in the process of taking this on as new data and rewinding through life to categorise events and choices as HFA or me..,though I like the positives that HFA has brung.

    i have been a manager in the past but with a very clear and black and white boss so with clear parameters it was fine. Neither did I expect to be liked...being on the periphery means that you don't miss what you've never had!!

    the creative problem solving bit also helps and the fact you can view things in a way that others can't.

    best wishes

  • . said:

    Are you able to accept your difference? At the moment I can see Aspie traits, Aspie coping strategies and very little me!!!

    I know what you mean about job traits.....meticulous, honest, hard working...but is that driven from fear of failure, criticism, and a way to create an "outside" environment to tamper an overworking and anxious mind??

    Absolutely I am, yes.  In fact, I'm glad to be 'different'.  I tend to think 'outside the box' - creatively.  I focus on details, though, and am not so good at the bigger picture.  So I'd be good at designing a rocket component - but not so good at being the project manager for the whole thing.  That's partly why I think I've never wanted a managerial position.  I'm happy plodding away at my task.  Also, I'm a people-pleaser, and manager's generally can't be that, I don't think. 

    Basically - the Aspie me is the real me, and always has been.

    I think you have a point about my work 'perfectionism' being driven by fear of failure and criticism.  I had an experience at primary school that has haunted me for life.  A teacher subjected me to a ritual humiliation in front of the whole class because I was writing the numeral '3' incorrectly.  I couldn't understand.  I was reading and writing, and I understood numbers, long before I started school.  My brain fused and I had a panic attack.  My parents had to come and take me home.  It seems all was going well for me up to that point.  It certainly didn't go so well afterwards.  As it turned out, all I was doing wrong was writing a 3 with the curly top - as is most common - instead of with the flat top, which she preferred.  Can you believe that?  So... fear of criticism is a very big thing with me.  I had a situation like that just two years ago, when I was working in a supermarket.  I was doing something right, but the manager wanted it done another way - which would have been more inefficient.  But he insisted.  I had a panic attack and was unable to move for ten minutes.  I was right back in that school room, almost fifty years earlier.

  • Hi Tom

    i think my husband is subconsciusly with me because it means that the washing up is always cleaned up quickly and the house is always calm and clean!!! However maintaining all that is tiring.

    when I got married I had low expectations in that I simply told him to try not to be a prat, don't lie or play games and that he didn't have to love me. I just needed to feel safe.

    i have worked as a teacher for the last 16 years - which is amazing really when you think of the noise and chaos of a classroom but am over empathic and want to help others....often at the detriment of others.

    i teacher Computer Science and games design and am tempted to put an aspie and proud poster on my classroom door on my return from the summer break....see what happens?

    i too relish my own space and bubble of quiet and as a result an always the last to bed in order to get some quiet time.  I can totally understand the need for your own space. Have just read the book ODd Girl Out and the author sleeps in a separate room from her husband and has her own bathroom.

    like my academic studies...the diagnosis help will resolve itself to self examination and a lot of reading as a way to put the puzzle pieces into some kind of order. How long did you have to wait to get a diagnosis (if you don't mind me asking?).

    Are you able to accept your difference? At the moment I can see Aspie traits, Aspie coping strategies and very little me!!!

    I know what you mean about job traits.....meticulous, honest, hard working...but is that driven from fear of failure, criticism, and a way to create an "outside" environment to tamper an overworking and anxious mind??

    Thanks Tom

  • Right with you!  Over-analysis is my big bug-bear.  I tend to examine every detail of every decision I make - especially if it's about buying something.  I'm the kind of person who has buyer's remorse even before I've bought the thing!  Spontaneity unsettles me.  I need my routine to keep my anxiety levels down.  It's a lot about maintaining control.  I can't handle a relationship in my current circumstances.  It would either have to be on a 'living apart' understanding, or - if I had a big enough place - with separate facilities, including kitchen and bathroom.  I'm very neat and ordered, and I like chores to be done before I can settle.  My last partner was a 'leave the washing-up until the morning' type, and I found it very difficult to handle.  Also, I'd have to go in the bathroom and tidy up after she'd used it, because she usually left a mess.  I've always been like that, since childhood.

    I haven't found much in the way of post-diagnosis support for someone my age.  The only thing was a DBT-based course of therapy, right across the county and difficult for me to get to without a car.  A lot of this stuff is designed to 'correct' behaviour, though.  Sure, some people would benefit if they struggle with challenging behaviour.  But I don't especially want my behaviour 'corrected'.  I don't want to 'learn' how to be more sociable, for instance.  I'm happy with how I am.  Not disabled, but different. 

    I'll just add that for me, getting the diagnosis has been overwhelmingly positive.  It's a validation.  It means that I can now expect reasonable adjustments in the workplace, etc.  I can expect to get taken seriously (even if it still doesn't always happen).  No longer am I this strange, gawky, shy guy who doesn't always get the jokes!  I've recently been offered a job with a local trust which works solely with autistic people - and my diagnosis was certainly a positive at the interview!  Not many jobs like that - which is a shame for the reasons you mention.  We're generally honest, meticulous and conscientious.  Every employer I've ever had has noted those qualities in me.  I get the job done properly and don't cut corners.

    Best regards,

    Tom

Reply
  • Right with you!  Over-analysis is my big bug-bear.  I tend to examine every detail of every decision I make - especially if it's about buying something.  I'm the kind of person who has buyer's remorse even before I've bought the thing!  Spontaneity unsettles me.  I need my routine to keep my anxiety levels down.  It's a lot about maintaining control.  I can't handle a relationship in my current circumstances.  It would either have to be on a 'living apart' understanding, or - if I had a big enough place - with separate facilities, including kitchen and bathroom.  I'm very neat and ordered, and I like chores to be done before I can settle.  My last partner was a 'leave the washing-up until the morning' type, and I found it very difficult to handle.  Also, I'd have to go in the bathroom and tidy up after she'd used it, because she usually left a mess.  I've always been like that, since childhood.

    I haven't found much in the way of post-diagnosis support for someone my age.  The only thing was a DBT-based course of therapy, right across the county and difficult for me to get to without a car.  A lot of this stuff is designed to 'correct' behaviour, though.  Sure, some people would benefit if they struggle with challenging behaviour.  But I don't especially want my behaviour 'corrected'.  I don't want to 'learn' how to be more sociable, for instance.  I'm happy with how I am.  Not disabled, but different. 

    I'll just add that for me, getting the diagnosis has been overwhelmingly positive.  It's a validation.  It means that I can now expect reasonable adjustments in the workplace, etc.  I can expect to get taken seriously (even if it still doesn't always happen).  No longer am I this strange, gawky, shy guy who doesn't always get the jokes!  I've recently been offered a job with a local trust which works solely with autistic people - and my diagnosis was certainly a positive at the interview!  Not many jobs like that - which is a shame for the reasons you mention.  We're generally honest, meticulous and conscientious.  Every employer I've ever had has noted those qualities in me.  I get the job done properly and don't cut corners.

    Best regards,

    Tom

Children
  • Wow Tom - such an honest response!!

    i hope where you are working now is much more a tune to you and your working preferences.

    i have always been the coper, people know that I will just get on with the job and get everything done and meet everyone's practical needs at least (emotionally or relationship-wise and you'll have to bear with me). This has caused moments of immense pressure at times - such as my mum leaving my dad when I was 14 years old so took the lead on the practical things in running a household, to coping alone when my first marriage broke down....now it is looking after my husband and son as well as remotely my husbands three daughters...

    Because it looks like I am coping then people think I am fine...but inwardly it is constantly a battle.

    curly topped number 3's are the best sort anyway and I am pleased that you seem happy with your Aspie name badge.  I am just in the process of taking this on as new data and rewinding through life to categorise events and choices as HFA or me..,though I like the positives that HFA has brung.

    i have been a manager in the past but with a very clear and black and white boss so with clear parameters it was fine. Neither did I expect to be liked...being on the periphery means that you don't miss what you've never had!!

    the creative problem solving bit also helps and the fact you can view things in a way that others can't.

    best wishes

  • . said:

    Are you able to accept your difference? At the moment I can see Aspie traits, Aspie coping strategies and very little me!!!

    I know what you mean about job traits.....meticulous, honest, hard working...but is that driven from fear of failure, criticism, and a way to create an "outside" environment to tamper an overworking and anxious mind??

    Absolutely I am, yes.  In fact, I'm glad to be 'different'.  I tend to think 'outside the box' - creatively.  I focus on details, though, and am not so good at the bigger picture.  So I'd be good at designing a rocket component - but not so good at being the project manager for the whole thing.  That's partly why I think I've never wanted a managerial position.  I'm happy plodding away at my task.  Also, I'm a people-pleaser, and manager's generally can't be that, I don't think. 

    Basically - the Aspie me is the real me, and always has been.

    I think you have a point about my work 'perfectionism' being driven by fear of failure and criticism.  I had an experience at primary school that has haunted me for life.  A teacher subjected me to a ritual humiliation in front of the whole class because I was writing the numeral '3' incorrectly.  I couldn't understand.  I was reading and writing, and I understood numbers, long before I started school.  My brain fused and I had a panic attack.  My parents had to come and take me home.  It seems all was going well for me up to that point.  It certainly didn't go so well afterwards.  As it turned out, all I was doing wrong was writing a 3 with the curly top - as is most common - instead of with the flat top, which she preferred.  Can you believe that?  So... fear of criticism is a very big thing with me.  I had a situation like that just two years ago, when I was working in a supermarket.  I was doing something right, but the manager wanted it done another way - which would have been more inefficient.  But he insisted.  I had a panic attack and was unable to move for ten minutes.  I was right back in that school room, almost fifty years earlier.

  • Hi Tom

    i think my husband is subconsciusly with me because it means that the washing up is always cleaned up quickly and the house is always calm and clean!!! However maintaining all that is tiring.

    when I got married I had low expectations in that I simply told him to try not to be a prat, don't lie or play games and that he didn't have to love me. I just needed to feel safe.

    i have worked as a teacher for the last 16 years - which is amazing really when you think of the noise and chaos of a classroom but am over empathic and want to help others....often at the detriment of others.

    i teacher Computer Science and games design and am tempted to put an aspie and proud poster on my classroom door on my return from the summer break....see what happens?

    i too relish my own space and bubble of quiet and as a result an always the last to bed in order to get some quiet time.  I can totally understand the need for your own space. Have just read the book ODd Girl Out and the author sleeps in a separate room from her husband and has her own bathroom.

    like my academic studies...the diagnosis help will resolve itself to self examination and a lot of reading as a way to put the puzzle pieces into some kind of order. How long did you have to wait to get a diagnosis (if you don't mind me asking?).

    Are you able to accept your difference? At the moment I can see Aspie traits, Aspie coping strategies and very little me!!!

    I know what you mean about job traits.....meticulous, honest, hard working...but is that driven from fear of failure, criticism, and a way to create an "outside" environment to tamper an overworking and anxious mind??

    Thanks Tom