Published on 12, July, 2020
I really wish that I could hibernate. This time of year has nothing to commend itself to me. I hate the dark, cold, grey days of winter. Most of the family I have lost died in winter. The worst bullying I experienced was in the run up to christmas and at christmas work social events. Before I retired, I used to look forward to some time off work and to overindulging in food and drink. I am now more health concious, and always used to hate the mixture of hangovers and that dreadful moment of getting on the scales in January to see what damage I had done.
I think I come from an autistic family. The more I read, the more asd traits I remember in my parents. They wouldn't take part in Christmas when they became older. They had a bare minimum of contact with the outside world, once they retired. I am not as unsociable as they are, but christmas has too much socialising and even the nicest of pubs is noisy and overcrowded.
January had a strange effect, in that I would become hyperactive, crash diet, and decide I could survive by will power alone. I would focus entirely on my goals until the horrible moment of realisation came, that I was trampling over everyones feelings and great waves of resentment were hitting me from everyone I knew. I would then crawl away and hide until the worst was past. By the end of February, life would return to normal and I could look forward to spring.
Is there anything nice about this time of year?
I do hate winter. Right from the moment when summer turns into autumn (which, let's face it, is the name for the first half of winter) it gets so cold, dark and depressing. Like a visual representation of my life.
I do, however, love Christmas and looking forward to it gets me through the winter. I'm worried it won't be that way forever, though. The excitement now comes on much later than it used to when I was a child, and last year I was very upset on Christmas Eve because I didn't feel at all Christmassy.
The other thing that gets me through the winter is my birthday, when I'm always made to feel special. But I'm worried that will become sour as well, as I'm soon to turn 20 and I still feel like a very small child.