Dating.

Selina said:

I realized if I leave it too late potentially my partner might not meet my parents, and if we had kids my kids might not know their grandparents

Although I understand the above, that's not a reason to date - you should be doing it because you want/need to, not for someone else (in my opinion).

It's also definitely not a reason to have children.

Although I thought I wanted a child when I was younger, I now wonder if I could have coped and especially whether the autistic man I was considering a child with, would have coped.

There are parents on this forum and some would probably attest to difficulties parenting as an autistic person.

Selina said:

Has anyone experience of dating and relationships with autism?

Yes, a few relationships.

Selina said:

Would you say an autistic partner is best or do relationships with neurotypicals work out

My personal experience is that an NT partner has been the best.

With regard to the autistic person I was involved with, we were both undiagnosed, but tended to have a lot of stress in our relationship, in retrospect related to our autism.

Selina said:

And do you think it's worth me trying to do this?

It seems to me that you are treating this as an intellectual exercise and this makes me wonder if you feel any deep need to be in a relationship?

Relationships bring sex (not always) and companionship but they also bring a whole load of other stuff into your life.

I feel that what you need to know is what you really want.

Until I met my husband at the age of 45, I had had a few relationship but had spent the majority of my life single.

That did actually suit me quite well as I had 2 close friends (and a lovely cat) and I enjoy solitude.

What matters is what you want and need not what society or family etc expect of you (in my opinion).

All the best however you go forward with this.

Oh I don't know...

Probably not. 

I admire people who can form units, but I'm not sure it's for me. 

And how would I know if it was? 

Another of Life's mysteries...

Pegg said:

I admire people who can form units, but I'm not sure it's for me.

You are a unit, with your dog.

Is there another on its way?

Pegg said:

I admire people who can form units, but I'm not sure it's for me.

You are a unit, with your dog.

Is there another on its way?

Pegg said:

but the truth seems to be that I can't tolerate people in person for very long, with rare notable exceptions. 

I left home at 18 and lived in shared flats until my early 20s (because of cost, I'd have rather been alone).

Then I lived alone for 20 years + with just a couple of exceptions where I lived with a partner - each lasting no more than a year.

I think it is very hard for some people to live with another.

I love solitude, as I believe you do, and sometimes I miss it.

However, I was very lucky in meeting my husband in that he likes to spend a lot of time alone doing his art and is very self sufficient and not minutely controlling.

I know you have suffered some considerable trauma in your life so I suspect that has led to you cocooning yourself a little.

There is an expression that a friend (here) uses - to cloister oneself.

Being cloistered can be a wonderful thing, if it's what one requires.

ps.  Exciting re the 

You are a unit, with your dog.

Is there another on its way?

There might be! 

I've said I'll go and see them when they're old enough, will be Easter or thereabouts. 

I tell myself I'm just looking, but how will I say no if I see them? 

Another dog! 

But yes, you're right, we are a unit, which I hadn't thought of. 

I'm a bit sad about it, but the truth seems to be that I can't tolerate people in person for very long, with rare notable exceptions. 

I deleted what I wrote in a reply as it was way too long. 

I was 36 when I dated and we were going to get married but without warning she cut all contact. Found out six months after she was dating others at the same time (Sexually with at least one... I  was saving sex for marriage) and I did find out about a month or two before she ended it without telling me it was over that she was already married. Her sister told me as she thought I knew, and when her sister realized I didn't know her sister realized she had made a mistake by telling me. 

That family was "Odd". (As if mines not? Hahahaha!) No... I mean feally odd in a very negative and immature way!) Th ex. girlfriends sisters husband kept saying to me (He worked on a different job connected with the same company so I saw him now and then)   "If you marry her, you will marry into the family" and he would make his eyebrows go up and down as he said this, or he would wink expecting me to know something that I didn't know. I didn't find out what he meant, but the girlfriends Mum was odd. She was around 8-10 years older than me and the girlfriend was 8 years younger. For some reason, my mind thinks I am a decade or two younger than I am so the age difference was about right for me. But her strange Mum! Her Mum was not the brightest but thought she was intelligent enough and I don't mind that in itself. We are all different. But it was the odd things her Mum did that puzzled me, as during the time I was dating her daughter she kept asking me to look at her new cupboard. (Wardrobe), and each time I would go up to her Mums bedroom to have a look, and then say it was a nic wardrobe and walk back down. I did not get why, as I am not one to notice clothes and things like that, but each time she asked me to look, she was in a different underwear, so I guessed she was changing and wanted me to look in her cupboard for clothes? Why couldn't she do that? Last time she had these frilly red uderwear type clothes on and was holding a horse whip. I know they had a smallholding but I don't remember them having horses. Cant remember as their land was across the road and so we rarely went in there. But what was odd during these times was her Mum seemed to be more and more frustrated. 

Girlfriends Dad was more "Normal". Was the Mum who took charge of the family and the Gran. Her Dad was a lorry driver so was away for a few days at a time. But it was an odd family to be honest. Even with the girlfriend, everything was a mental guessing game. I am very open and so very few things are secret. She was the complete opposite and her mental life was so internally complicated due to this! 

She had two brothers and one was only four. I could see how confused he was because of his Mums behaviour. She would smack his hand for playing up which I would see the logic, but immediately would then give hum guge hugs which for him gave very confused logic as to what was happening. It was very clear that he was confused and held back through the wierd logic. I would have my behind smacked and be sent to bed with my parents and this would allow me to think that what I was done was wrong, but when punishment for wrong doing is immediately met with hugs it mentally confuses the child as the child is recieving very mixed reactions for doing wrong, and no one from that family could see it! (Those that could kept quiet and let the Mum carry on. It was "Odd!") The worst bit for me was th sudden ending of th dating without being told. No arguments. Was the opposite. One minute all was fine and we were in marriage preperations... Her Gran who was a dressmaker was making a wedding dress for her. Then she wanted to buy a Jaguar. I didn't really like Jags even though at the time due to caravan towing, I liked large powerful cars. I stuck to Volvos and Audis and cars that didn't rust so quick due to where I lived. But she liked it. Last minute was warned off that particular Jaguar engine as most had died due to Jag making  timing chains out of the timing belt material which were prone to breaking so few of those cars survived and the few were often seen at secondhand car sales at bargain prices due to this.but sh also liked vans and lorries and she picked a van I didn't like and a make I generally stayed away from due to past experience, but she liked it. I took out quite a sizable loan and the part exchange vslue of my car the dealer went back on so I nearly walked out, but she persuaded me to get it anyway despite the red flags! Car type van was only a year and a half old so I was onverstretching myself a bit and she knew it! Dealer also lied about its towing capabilities and did not tell me its max towball weight wasnonly 65kgs, so I could not use it for towing a caravan! But I didn't know this then. She had also asked me to take all my years annual leave off as she said we could go on a holiday. Something we had not done. (I purposly used to spread my holidays out so I could survive the shift patterns as often, by the time my holiday came, I would be totally worn out and sometimes caught passing viruses so I didnt like this plan... But I did it to please her. The very first day of the holiday, I picked up the van and we met outside my house when I used to have a house! And when she saw I had the van I didn't like(She was going to have the van when we married and I would buy a cheap secondhand 20 year old Volvo which at the time there were plenty about. But when she saw I had the little van, she said she needed two weeks to be alone to think. And that was the last time I was dating her! No arguaments. I tried contacting her many times and even drove up to her house. She was "Apparently" never there and phone calls would be immediately hung up and texts ignored. Her family who I worked with (Her sister and her sisters husband) would not say a word though her sister said she was fine...

I didn't know what was going on! A few months I stopped texting and, then wondered if it was right to stop, and I had become semi suicidal as I thought I had done something wrong but even though I was constantly reliving every bit of the six months we were dating, the only thing I could think of is where just before the end I had mentioned to her Mum while in talking that I was a Christian and her Mum seemed shocked somehow by this though I could not see why it mattered. Is the only thing I can think of!

I tried dating after that but it took me ten years before I could.

Every time I have dated (Twice in my life though second time was distance dating via phone and internet though she did see me a few times but it was "Non-touch" so only once ever remembering having a hug and a kiss as she was on the spectrum and hyper sensitive to touch. (I panicked like she did with hugs as a child and onlycouldbe hugged by certain people like Mum or Dad or Grandparents on the one side of the family.Would panic if other grandmother hugged and kissed me as she squeezed tight!) so it didn't deep down feel like dating. I ended it even though she had suck a kind beautiful heart. Oddly it was through meeting her I started to question if I was on the spectrum. 

But I found they both directly asked me out. It wasn't the other way round. I could never pick up on when ladies flirted with me because to me, I could not see the hints. To me I did not know who was being extra nice and who was flirting, so after getting it wrong once or twice where I would end up terribly upset by an angry reaction I abandoned asking ladies out. Why I am single!