Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone, it's me with a question again.
I find professional relationships very hard. The main reason is because I feel that they seem so fake to me.
Small talks? People who don't really know me or care about how I feel nor have time to hear my real answer still ask me "how are you today?", "How was your weekend?".
Lunches and team activities?. People whom I don't know but I can't actually get to know or ask personal questions because we are just colleagues and not friends. Still it's expected to find something to talk about for more than an hour?!. Most topics in that setting don't interest me and seem superficial.
Team work? Ok, that one is easier because we actually talk about work and it fits our relationship description "colleagues" and it doesn't seem like a superficial talk, but they confuse me at times when they change their opinions about the same thing or it comes across as if they want to push their views and opinions over others. I become very unmotivated to share my view because I know that most probably eventually it won't be applied anyway and it's just waste of my power and energy.
Sometimes I say things that cause their face expressions to suddenly dramatically change. I spend hours trying to figure out where the misunderstanding was. In one occasion they were talking about an awful accident and I found something about it funny and I started laughing and everyone looked at me as if I'm a psychopath. I'm actually hypersensitive and have overwhelming high empathy.
The style of talking as using formal sentences and professional words to sound smart and so on. Dressing in an office suitable manner which is so damn superficial because it serves no real cause other than sounding and looking in a certain way even if it doesn't reflect your true self in anyway. I can't present myself as a professional. I can present myself as Ree...
How do you manage professional relationships? Any tips on how you make it true to yourself and not exhausting while thriving in professional relationships?
Hi Ree this is a really good question and a really hard one to answer. For me, it has really varied depending on my team and workplace.
In my fist 'real'job I had clashes with collegues a fair amount because I didn't understand the social rules. They also weren't nice people and the job wasn't suited to me so I don't think there's much that could have been done in such a situation.
Different jobs and teams allow for different levels of authenticity and self-expression. A very corporate London environment can be quite draining even for neurotypicals.
I work at a University and, although there is work to be done still, neurodivergence is more understood and listened to here than when I worked in healthcare (weirdly). We even have a team who I think are well known as more members than not having some form of neurodivergence. I have been very lucky in that my managers have been very supportive and happy to make adjustments (without a diagnosis). I'll be talking to my wider team about things as well once I have a diagnosis and can talk about things verbally without such a visceral emotional reaction and will report back. I have line management responsibilities so I hope by talking about my neurodivergence at work it will help make a more inclusive workplace for others.
So, tangent aside, it might be worth considering If your current job is the ideal one for you. If you're in the wrong environment you may not be able to express youself because of the culture and that's reflective of the job not you.
From my experience I changed my perspective on what I expected people to be like. Managing my expectations and the fallout if they don't happen is a whole big thing for me but that's another story. Anyway, I initially expected people to understand me, see my point of view, and act in ways I was comfortable with. I now understand differences more and have lowered my expectations for easy communication.
I didn't used to appreciate small talk but now I can appreciate the value that other people place in it and I quite like how someone smiles when I ask how they are or when I say some 'funny' stock response relating to the weather. I understand that this builds rapport for some neurotypicals and somewhere down the line I have transitioned from worrying about what to say and how (and WHY) to enjoying this part of my job.
In terms of teamwork, I tend to take the role of organiser. People changing their minds drives me crazy too. I usually write summaries of what was agreed and circulate so that there is a trail to refer back to and people have a shared understanding. Where possible I draw up this list in front of people (word document on screen share using video conferencing software or on a whiteboard for example). This also gives me a place to naturally insert my thoughts " OK, so it seems like some people think X. Before I write it down, what about the effects of Y?". Teamworking can be stressful though especially if your colleges are not considerate in those cases maybe a different job with more independent working would relieve some pressure on yourself.
I hope this helps a little bit. Happy to talk more!
It's definitely helpful. I sort of felt this way "loud less qualified person stealing my pie" in different situations too. Maybe there's part of the problem in my own belief that it's enough to be good at what you do which is the main reason that I've never been motivated enough to learn how to "steal pies". It's a very good point to consider the environment too. In my previous joby boss was aware if my skills and gave me the space and attention to listen to my knowledge and I didn't have to force it on the table with loud confidence and social skills. I'm not sure if all bosses would be as smart as that one tho, but your comment makes me hopeful. Maybe I will start an architectural studio one day and hire mostly neurodivergent people just to make the world a bit more fair for us.