Low self-esteem and loneliness

Hi everyone, 

I am really struggling with low self-esteem and loneliness. I'm 32, I was diagnosed when I was 30.

I have always known that there was something 'wrong' with me, and have been trying to get a diagnosis since I was 18, but have been fobbed off by doctors and just given antidepressants (they work for a while but then stop working and I have to go up a dose, and when I reach the highest dose, it starts affecting my IBS). I have always struggled with holding down jobs; when I was younger, I was able to hold down a job for 6 months to a year, but as I got older, the time got less and less. I am now on benefits, I haven't worked for 2 years now and I'm studying at college online.

I also have a lot of social difficulties. I've moved around a fair bit, and have a long history of being ostracised by groups of people, to the point where they warn others to stay away from me because I am a "psychopath". I do have good friends somehow, but they are very few in number. I am scared of meeting new people in case they also ostracise me or reject me. I've also had pretty rotten luck with relationships and I've given up hope that I'll ever be in a serious relationship.

I don't have particularly good social skills - I have been criticised for "oversharing", my meltdowns don't go down so well and people generally find me weird and odd. I also have a pretty childish sense of humour, which people find annoying.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong and how to combat this... at this point of my life, I think it's safest if I just keep to myself (which is kinda boring and depressing). Years of failure and social rejection have chipped away quite a lot at my self-esteem.

  • Yep - anywhere where you will find people with specialist knowledge or skills - that'll be us either visiting or hosting..

  • RC controlled aeroplanes/drone clubs is another one. Add in RC boats as well.

  • Its a pity there isnt a place in this country where ASD people could congregate and meet each other. 

    There is - basically anything nerdy - plane museums, model train shows, Lego exhibitions-  TORM (historical recreationalists), History groups, science groups, computer exhibitions, steam shows and preserved railways, classic car clubs, ComicCon -- WE ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!

  • Blimey, you could be describing my childhood. I was the wierd kid to whom it didn't occur to talk to anyone in primary school, was thought of as odd and bullied in Middle school - the kids enjoyed thrusting the objects of fears on me to provoke an emotional outburst. My fault, said the head teacher, for not being like the other children.

    It's a minor miracle that I don't have social anxieties now. Maybe I was just lucky. I insisted my mother send me to a secondary school those kids weren't going to and never lost faith that me being me, whatever my old head teacher had to say, wasn't a crime. It was the other kids who needed to grow up and be more tolerant. At my new school and through 6th form and university, they were more grown up and tolerant. I got lucky.

    In a way, I'm kind of glad now. I learned the value of difference and that the people who matter don't mind, whilst the people who mind don't matter.

    You sound like a very interesting guy. My step daughter is an illustrator and doing well with it. Maybe there are some more illustrators here too.

    You tell us you do have some good friends. Well then, clearly you do have good qualities to offer. You really don't have to do social the way the world thinks you have to do social, if you don't want to. Do it your way. Fewer in number perhaps for people without ASD, but there are people out there who will actively want to do social your way too, share your interest and appreciate what you have to offer. And the quality of their friendship will be deeper. 

  • Its a pity there isnt a place in this country where ASD people could congregate and meet each other.  Kind of like a country house with a big high wall around it where we could go and just be ourselves for a week.  Lots of rooms, lots of space.  Camp in the gardens, lock yourself in a room, socialise if you want or dont.  Somewhere without NT's.  Somewhere with people who understand us.  Just a place like a hotel of respite from the world around us.  In the US they probably call it a commune, but I dont think places like that exist in this country.

    This place is a bit like that in a virtual setting.

    Your problems are the same as my problems and most otehr people on here.  I have had jobs, even had jobs that lasted a year, but I realised I dont want to work at a place for a year, or even 6 months.  My ideal time is 8-10 weeks.  After that i want new people that dont know me and new challenges.  Once monotony sets in the days are numbered until I quit.  I decided to change it up last year and went back to college.  Currently training in a horticulture subject.  I have some crazy ideas for doing something in a commercial horticulture setting.  Growing plants and keeping bees.  Doing research with plants with a BioChem edge to it.  I know one thing IT, Warehouse work, Cyber Security and all the other things I do on the side dont cut it for me.  I need a massive change.  You just need to find something that interest you.

    Am I lonely.  Yes. 
    Do i have low self esteem.  Yes.

    Those two points seem to apply to most people on the spectrum.  How do you get past them.  Join an autism group and socialise.  Take up a new hobby and socialise.  I like to walk, go to the gym and research.  i am a member of a number of online communities.  So as much as I am alone, I am also not alone.

    If you drive and can budget it (some cant) and want a radical project that could lead to social interaction.  Consider buying a van or car and converting it into a camper van.  You get to learn about vehicles, making things to put in it and everything in between.  When its complete you can take it to places and stay in it.  This is one of my current projects.

    As for relationships.  i've been in them, but mostly with crazy NT's.  I havent tried for quite a long time now, its been 15 or so years since I made any real effort, back when i was at Uni.  But i'm highly inflexible, so its hard work.  But if you can move past the initial anxiety of talking to a person it gets easier.  For me it takes a lot to get to that point.  I have been playing the game on dating sites for the last year.  You could try pof or cupid if you are looking to chat to women with a chance of going on a date or two.  I've had a few hookups, but nothing meaningful.  I really want something serious and stable if i'm going to put the time in.  One nighters and FWB type relationships take care of the biological urge, but they arent good for you mentally.  Best advice from me is to hit the dating sites or tinder and just have a look around.  Chat to people, but don't take it seriously.  You might find some luck and get a serious relationship, but you probably wont.  Oh and avoid spectrum dating or whatever its called.  It is a complete waste of time.

  • Reading this post is a very similar experience to me it was really strange reading it thinking I could have wrote this. Down to the struggling to hold a job for 6 months and IBS condition. Now with lockdown making friends has become impossible it feels.

    Your point at the end about your self esteem. It can be rebuilt which is the reassuring part to know. 

  • NTs trying to be uniformly different

    Nicely put Plastic, I've met a lot of them

  • first u dont have to contribute anything to society  

    u, like everyone else have only one thing ---- a life 

    Here is a Zen Koan/Aurelis saying?  cant remember  which

    What is the difference between Hannibal and the donkey he is riding ?

    nothing ! they both are born, both live, both die. (Me : Everything they have done is gone)

    Cheerful LOL

  • Some people are hard work.

  • I have a handful of close friends, I don't really care for anyone else tbh. I generally avoid people.

  • I get frustrated with people, I really don't understand the point or need for social hierarchies. I stay away from them, which usually means I end up ostracized. But that doesn't really bother me.

  • Yeah, I feel that way too. In the past I tried and tried and tried to be a part of society but I just can't do it. I am also super perceptive and sensitive to the toxicity and fakeness of Western society and it annoys me.

  • Are you me? Is this one of those Dark situations where you're actually me and I'm your grandmother? Anyway I'm rambling again.

    I relate hard to this. I feel like I don't add much to society at all as I can't hold a job or a conversation even if my life depended on it... I wish I had any advice for you 

  • You're right! I used to write down positive affirmations/things I am grateful for every day but haven't done it in a while... I need to start doing it again

  • I can't wait for the next series!!!

  • Sometimes, we can improve our mood by simply counting our blessings. It's not easy when we're in the grips of depression. Be gentle with yourself and take it one step at a time. 

  • Yes I love Rick & Morty!

  • Omg that looks amazing!

  • Do you watch "Rick & Morty" - they are forever coming up with weird space creatures.   (It's my favourite)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6Zy_mLgSNQ

  • flanimals.fandom.com/.../Flanimals_(book)

    i got this as a xmas present because i liked ricky gervais