Published on 12, July, 2020
I tried and tried to find the reply JuniperFromGallifrey gave me but cannot. So I am posting this information hoping to contact them. It is what we were talking about, women not having power in history. It is an article by Tara Mohr called Learning to Love Criticism in the New York Times if you want to look it up. It is the paragraph starting:
"There's another, deeper factor that informs women's relationship to criticism and praise."
I really wish this forum was nice and clear like the PHP forums. I search and search for people's replies, then the reply button doesn't appear. Sooooo frustrating.
I agree - I can't follow the nested format and having to hunt for replies..
It is really annoying to keep trying to have interesting conversations and being frustrated
it is frustrating i agree
Oh hi!!! How strange. I'll try to friend you :)
After refreshing the page a few times, the reply button appears! There, we are friends now!
I think I've had better luck on Chrome than Safari. Sometimes this is the case for various websites. And what a good article!
I often describe my younger self as not having 'agency' - and this is exactly what this is about. But I also had a youth riddled with just not comprehending the social structures and use of language around me. And in the house I grew up in criticism was not kind or affirming. It was debilitating. To my own credit and maybe un-recognised wee spectrummy me (LOL) found ways to Escape, created distance - probably recognised certain typical ways of engaging that I felt disgust by.
I think in my late 20's I met humans who where kind when they used a type of critique & seemed to care. This obviously changed my expectations. But, yes, add a difficulty with social nuances and language and getting it wrong meant being homeless!
I am already on Chrome so it's a bit annoying that it doesn't work.
I just feel like the longer I live, the more confused I am by life. And the more tiring it is being the weirdo all the time. I want to move away from this village.
I made the stupidest mistake though. When I was young, I didn't realise that it is best to achieve financial independence for myself, instead of ending up dependent on a husband. I was so desperate to find love and acceptance that I just ended up as the dependent wife, trundling along, bored out of my skull, but with no resources to make changes in my life. I've devolved into a woman from history with no independence. What an idiot.
You can be sure I'm drumming it into my daughter that she must do her best to be financially independent or she won't have choices and freedom in her life. I hope she listens to me.
Exchange weirdo for 'eccentric'! It's much more exotic. :)
I went through similar things only there wasn't enough support to get off the ground properly, let alone go to Uni, and growing up in the States, little access to proper medical health let alone mental. Mental health wasn't an option. Many Americans still misrepresent or misunderstand it. When I was young, I honestly didn't know what kind of financial independence existed let alone the kind of wealth humans could achieve (or marry into Haha). Just a 'bittersweet symphony' of day to day barely making it. I was forced to move out at 18 (that's what good little capitalists do), so I left at 17, and due to a range of undiagnosed medical issues (never mind not 'fitting' in), ended up back at home incredibly ill for 3 months around 19, but also unable to keep a job. Few social skills, no admin skills. Eventually I would find odd jobs in the entertainment business.
I did have a drive to escape my surroundings, though. But not without briefly marrying someone as abusive as my mother, then escaping that. And he managed to drive me further into debt at too young of an age, so I couldn't get a flat or a credit card - he ruined my credit before I even knew what that was. Then getting 'let go' from one admin job after the next, until one day someone told me I needed a 'system'. People speak in strange code.
I managed to find friends, so long as I didn't talk much. But it was just one rejection after the next until somewhere in my 30s, several boyfriends later, pieces started coming together. I hunted down philosophy/psychoanalysis in order to figure out 'what's going on'. I didn't know a thing about Autism until a few years ago, so I used to just describe myself as an INTJ and embraced those 'black unicorn' traits, which I do feel are quite suitable. Thankfully, I've found mentors and workshops and wisdom from Rabbi's and all sorts along the way, determined to a sort of 'becoming'.
But now I'm quite certain it is because of these autistic traits that I have been able to extract myself from one difficulty to the next. That I'm able to grasp make connexions (even if I don't have language for them immediately) and hyper-focus and experiment with better perspectives and ethics. Financial independence, when you're not competitive is considered a liability to investors or jobs, but money does give one choices. Having a community, a few long-term proven relationships and family support, at least from my perspective, is a little more effective. One needs opportunity.
Anyway, you must have some kind of agency... do you study anything in particular? Have hobbies? Forage? There's positives and negatives to both. My closest friend has been married since Uni, went to art school and has never been financially "independent", but she always time to read, take pottery classes, experiment with photography, she's always learning something new along side her full time wife-duties :) Her husband is lovely. She has a cat, no children. They have a greenhouse and I do admire her life & her partnership sometimes. She can exit a short-lived startup job if she wants to, I'd love to have that sort of freedom. We live vicariously through each other, I suppose...
Ah yes, the undiagnosed medical issues. All mine have been dismissed, even mocked, by doctors so now I live a life of constant peeling, chopping, cooking, baking as I can no longer tolerate artificial additives in food without being violently sick or other such unpleasant side effects. It's only autism that has ever been taken seriously with doctors, to my great surprise.
I just have my husband, no other long term supporters. It's lonely. I got in touch with old school friends and university friends a few years ago, only to find them disinterested or even hostile to me. I thought I got on well with them but seems not. I worked out that maybe it was because they preferred 'loser Kikicat' who had no boyfriend, no job, was always getting into muddles. They think now I'm married with a child, I am less likeable as a friend, maybe a threat to them? I dunno. Weird, but at least I know they aren't my true supporters, however nice they used to be and all the fun times we had together.
No, I don't go out anymore due to my annoying health issues, it's just easier to stay in instead of taking bags of food and drink with me, looking for toilets etc. I've tried lots of groups e.g. Meetup, local groups, but I'm always met with blank stares and/or hostility so I've given up.
In fact today I decided I'm obviously not cut out for friendships and should please myself. I will maybe one day go out again to events by myself and do it just for me, I can't hope to find friends. I research a lot on the internet, that is fun for me. Finding out interesting facts and information, I should start a library.