What (edited title)

I think there might be someone angry with me in my town. I found their conversation online. I had a public breakdown and they misunderstood it.Much of my life has been difficult. And the NHS the cowards they are never helped me much. Neither the social services. Nor people in general. I deserve love and compassion. When I was a child I was abused. I never finished school. I was very clever but they ruined it for me. Since then I've never had many friends and have had severe anxiety and depression. 

This post has been edited from its original form as there were too much negativity in it.

  • That's interesting; I might ask my care coordinator about that as the NHS hasn't been helping me either.

    Yes sigh. I'm still not over the church thing. Any other kind of rejection would be more bearable. But it was a rejection of convenience with phoney and hypocritical reasons. It's like saying, 'You're not worth my energy. But everyone else is.' And as from your experiences with the NHS it seems to be something autistic and mentally ill people face routinely from the very organisations set up to help and welcome them. Like the first Church.

    Yes the weather is very... unreasonable. It is cooling down a bit I guess but not in a way most people want.

    I hope things are working well with the support worker!

  • I found the support worker through a response to an ad an agency placed for me. I got funding for a support worker from my social worker after my mum complained about how hard my life was, and how she was having to look after me a lot despite her being a pensioner. 

    I'm really sorry about the exclusion from your church. Rejection is such a horrible feeling. Your goals sound interesting. It's great that you are still trying to find a therapy that will work for you. Before people find success we have to suffer many setbacks usually! It's nice to know you will be at university too (or are already there). 

    This heat is tiring me out. Hope it cools down a bit soon.

  • I was lucky. Many of my classmates who grew up there have since moved to big cities for work. It was a different era!

  • Congratulations on the support worker! I hope it works out better than your previous experiences with health services. How did you find her? I'm not sure what a support worker does actually.

    I too envy your childhood - I grew up in a smelly city. And I love Wales! I'd move there if I could find a job there. Way back in school we had a weeklong ecology field trip to Pembrokeshire. It's probably still the best week of my life. Just out there learning and using all those statistical methods on the beaches instead of in a classroom.

    Your diet is very interesting. It's the opposite of what I'd have thought was healthy but I just looked it up and there's a lot of evidence for its benefits. It's interesting how food is linked to a wide variety of health conditions.

    I'm glad you feel happy. Being sober from alcohol certainly helps though it is tough. When I struggle I find it helps to remember that nauseating feeling I get after being drunk. It helps to put me off.

    I think it says a lot about you that you managed to walk a mile after a meltdown. Many people wouldn't manage that. I'd just cry. I'm glad you feel better now and things seem to be looking up for you. But you can always sound it out here if they take a turn for the worse.

    I'm feeling a bit better than I was a few months ago. I still have the same problems in my life and my exclusion from church is still eating at me and causing me to cry from time to time. But now I have a goal - I want to get back into scouting as a volunteer and get the D of E gold award and possibly the Queen's scout award. I'm also considering changing denomination from C of E to catholic as from recent experience the latter are much more sincere about their beliefs on caring for the mentally ill and vulnerable. I'm also starting hypnotherapy in September as I haven't responded well to typical forms of therapy. So I hope all these will give me a fresh start and help me focus at uni. Thanks so much for asking. It feels good to have someone care.

  • I envy your childhood roaming the hills. x

  • I like the sound of a lone violin playing, I'm not so keen on lots of them in orchestras. The sound of a lone violin can be quite romantic.

    I'm not getting to meet many people unfortuantely! I do have good news though. I've finally found a support worker (which I received funding for from a social worker months ago). She's going to be working with me starting in a week and a half. So I will have some company from then. Slight smile

    Wow 6 hours is very long indeed! I am quite good at walking as I grew up in North Wales which is mountainous. I've got strong legs. My friends and I used to have to walk up and down lots of hills to go to each others' houses and we played up quiet country lanes that involved miles of walking too.

    Medications for panic attacks haven't worked for me but I am improving my diet and that seems to be improving things. I'm moving towards eating a keto diet which is high fat, moderate protein and low carb. I seem to feel a lot better eating mostly meat, vegetables and fruit. Some vegetables and fruits bother me too, I'm beginning to follow something called the Low FODMAP diet.

    You are too kind, such compliments! My feelings are bipolar at the moment. I feel happy right now but when the days are long it can turn to sadness. I've had 4 days sober from alcohol which is really good for me, though yesterday I was struggling a lot. I had a meltdown in public and walked a mile home just staring at the floor because I felt so frustrated and upset. 

    How are you this week?

  • Glad you liked the Brahms! Oh yes Debussy is one of the only piano composers I listen to. I'm the opposite - I prefer violin! I had a talented friend who could compose like Debussy though but he kind of gave up on music after an injury.

    That woman sounds really wonderful and it must hurt that you don't see her anymore. I personally know some people like that too so there's a good chance you might run into someone else with those qualities. It's just sad that with the virus we can't really go out to find such people. But I hope and pray that you will one day find someone else like that and more. Do you go out often (outside of the pandemic)?

    3h is a long time for a walk. You have great stamina. There was once I walked home from school for 6h because I forgot my wallet so I couldn't take the bus. It was tiring but good. Do you have any prescriptions for your panic attacks? They can be so horrible and distressing especially when you're supposed to do something relaxing like walking.

    I'm thinking of signing up for the D of E gold award. I thought maybe you might be interested too? It's nice having something to achieve and spending time in nature.

    You did mention you could cook a good risotto in your other post. I'm jealous. I'm shite at cooking. You have many talents and good traits; I don't understand why anyone would dislike you. You know what; be like Beethoven - don't listen to the haters. Don't listen at all! ;-) How are you feeling this week?

  • Sorry to hear that, just keep trying and work on it. I do not have many friends either, i have a family that i do not talk to much. Do not let others deter you from achieving your goals.

  • I'm listening to the Brahms you recommended, it's nice. Slight smile

    My favourite Chopin is Nocturno nº2 Op.62. t's usually the piano music I prefer. I found this video of Debussy's music that's really nice too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uKVI6_Fm4g

    I miss the woman I'm in love with because she's a good listener and kind, and artistic, and she found things I said funny. She's also daintily beautiful. I even love the sound of her accent, she sounds untainted by the cynicism of so much of our society.

    Thank you for being kind enough to care. Yes a walk or a hike would be great. I spent 3 hours walking yesterday and felt better afterwards but had quite a few panic attacks while actually out as there were so many tourists around.

    I'm having a risotto for tea later, that's something to look forward to.

  • Oh I'm sorry about the woman you're in love with. :( It's really hard. I hate it too when I miss things and people who have abandoned me and don't miss me anymore. Would talking about it help?

    What's your favourite Chopin? Do you listen to piano music mostly or can I recommend you some violin? Brahms violin concerto, especially the 3rd movement, might make you feel better.

    I really wish I could spend time with you. Like go for a walk or go hiking. We really do care! Sadly we are constrained by what the Internet can do. Also don't worry about 'too much negativity'; don't let your feelings fester into destructive actions. It's better to talk about it before they warp your decisions. But I'm glad you're at least a bit happier!

  • A bit sad but I'm getting happier.

    Yes I listen to classical music sometimes. I like Chopin.

    Thanks for the kind words and compliments!

    I still miss a woman I'm in love with. 

  • Dear Roswell,

    I am sorry to hear that you are facing such a challenging time. 

    We have emailed you, please look out for this email.

    Thanks,


    Dani Mod

  • Hello Roswell. How are you feeling today? You can talk about anything you want. Do you like classical music?

  • Take a break from the internet whenever you need it. There's no need to let the entire world into your world.

  • Hi Roswell. I'm sorry you're still feeling like this. I know it sounds trite but I feel like you do too. If there are people threatening to kill you, have you made a police report? Please stay with us. Know that you're a valued contributor here. Thanks so much for reaching out to me when I got rejected by my church. Please let us know what we can do to help. I wish more people were like you. You're clearly clever, cultured, funny and caring. I hope you find a suitable flatmate soon too. How are you feeling now?