Husband may be autistic.

Just before I post at any length, could someone please let me know that I am writing this in the right place? I’d love to have contact with someone about my husband who I think is undiagnosed autistic. He may be Aspergic, I have no real idea. I just know that he has some behaviour which is extremely challenging for me and also quite antisocial at times. 
He presents to the world as a highly capable businessman, but at home he is often more childlike. He has tantrums and tempers. He has unusual aversions and equally unusual fixations. 
We’ve been together 35 years. I’m exhausted and frayed and he has no idea. He’s also fraught at times but that passes and he’s forgotten it. 
Id love to be in contact with anyone who has any understanding of such a situation 

  • Hi I am 50 and awaiting diagnosis and I can identify with your husband. I have certianlly got worse in the past year or so. We have all had a challenging year, plus I lost my dad and had to put my mum into care. I have had regular meltdowns over small things, very childlike ones. I had this discussion with my wife that with her I should not have to hide my autism to her, she disagrees and thinks I should hide it more.

    Other people have said some very useful things, some I will probably repeat. Do you find tiny ideas you come up with, particually slight changes to a plan he came up with, really throw him and cause issues? It is oftern difficult for autistic people to change things, no matter how small, at short notice.It maybe that your husband is particually stressed at work in these difficult times. he just may not have the capacity left to mask to you as well as at work?

    We can also be antisocial. One that bugs my wife is at a big social gathering (when you could anyway) she will take half hour to go round and say goodbye to loads of people where I am happy to just walkout. I never think people are interested in me anyway. 

    You have made it this far, 35 years is a long time, it is certianlly not something that will go away but it certianlly can be managed and you can help. If he has a hobby give him time for that. It maybe there is something he does that really annoys you? For my wife it is me loading the dishwasher 'wrong'. We talked about it and agreed that it is not worth the argument, it is just the dishwasher. I am doing it diffrent, not wrong. 

    Hope you sort things out.

  • Hello. I just want to say, I have no answers for you but I really empathise. I am also lonely and wonder why I’m still with him. I see our friends’ relationships and wish we could talk and share and have an intimate understanding of each other, like they have. And they really do have, not only when we’re with them. 
    if like me, you’re  an emotional and demonstrative person, the detachment is bewildering. I have closer relationships with shopkeepers than I do with my husband, but, I realise when the chips are down, he will be there supporting me in the way he can. Spouses like us spend our time trying to compromise, walking on eggshells, pouring the oil onto the troubled water, keeping the peace. We feel neglected, unappreciated and unloved. 
    Today I’ve been reading replies and posts here from various people, both with and without autism and I’m beginning to understand a little of what my husband is all about and maybe a little of what he feels. 
    I’ve tried everything I can think of to make our relationship work as I’m sure you have. As you say, you love each other. We even had counselling several times, but no counsellor believed me when I said I suspected autism was in our relationship. 
    I have no answers for you. All I have is a virtual hug across the ether. 

  • My husband also has recently been thought to be aspergic. He's 59 and we've been married 7 hellish years which autism would explain. We love each other but I'm despairing as he seems unable to cope with the slightest stress and can't sem to remember or learn. He wants to love and be kind but finds empathy hard. I'm lonely.

  • Bet you’re a ‘millennial’ Face palm tone1‍♂️

  • Why ? 

    Why? 

    Why not? 

    Why bother?

    why..... 

    Reason is the root of ALL EVIL! Wink

  • Yeah - feel free.      Can't always guarantee a speedy reply.   Smiley

    The going the extra mile for the team is the 'greater good' thing - he's spotted obvious weaknesses with the team so he's filling in the gaps - to get the perfect product across the finish line - on time, on quality - been there, done that.   It gets old eventually when no-one else ever steps up.   (used & abused).

  • Autistic individuals often attract other neurodiverse individuals as partners. You have one way of grieving and certain expectations of how people should behave in those situations. Your husband is a completely different person and is unlikely to have the same needs and think in the same way as you. Have you considered that you might be 'fixed' in your own thought patterns and this makes you frustrated when others that do not think in the same was as you. 

    Personally, it comes across as though you struggle with communicating and that you are quite fiery. I I can image other people using the words you've used to describe your husband as a description of you.For example, I never insulted your husband but you mis-read the post and came across as arsey.

    I didn’t ask for insults for him

    You then went on to insult him yourself.

    I would like to know if it is autism because I would then try harder to understand instead of thinking he’s just being a twat! 

    Did you communicate you needs clearly to your husband in regards to what you wanted when you were grieving? I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't. Plus, even if you did your husband will have is own boundaries and needs and your are no more, or less, important than his own.

    • Could you be too similar in your personalities and this is causing a clash?
    • Do you need to do more reflection and possibly accept responsibility for your own communication issues and the problems this has caused in your relationship?
    • Have you thought you might be trying to cover up your own challenges by disabling your husband and referring to him as autistic?

  • Thank you. 
    reading this is like a pen portrait Of my husband. 
    Although it’s still too early to say, I really believe he is autistic. 
    According to him, his way is the only way. Although more recently during lockdown, he has been asking for my opinion slightly more. 
    he is highly respected amongst his peers and really doesn’t get used or taken advantage of BUT he always goes the extra mile for them...Probably to avoid anyone doing so!

    You have given me a lot of food for thought here. Would it be ok to contact you again later?

  • It's often at school - we learn to fake our responses.       What you also get is that as we grow up, we analyse everything in great detail - and so we *know* the right way to do things - the logical, simplest way to solve problems.       It's EXTREMELY frustrating to see people doing things the *wrong* way (Our way works for us - therefore every other way is wrong).   

    You will also be seeing the 'comfort venting' where when small things occur, he'll discuss it it forcefully with you - it actually him processing his mixed-up thoughts out-loud - although it might sound aggressive.

    We are often driven by the logical 'greater good' - we will forsake our own needs if the bigger picture dictates - we are seen as kind and honourable.

    The problem with that is users and manipulators quickly spot this feature - and so take advantage.    It's such a deep-seated compulsion that we will carry on doing 'the right thing' even though we are getting very annoyed inside - but are unable to break the programming - so we get very, very stressed.

    I don't know if you are familiar with Star Trek the Next Gen - but if you think of Cmmdr Data - very knowledgable, very skilful, but limited in expressing feelings.    Not quite enjoying the full human experience.

    With your inside knowledge of how he functions, you must notice that it's stress that drives his difficult behaviour - so do you know how to de-stress him?

  • Thank you so much for this. He’s never been bullied. If he has been, he hasn’t noticed. Theres much he doesn’t notice. 
    I didn’t know about masking. It explains a great deal, although he actively seeks out stressful situations. I suppose, on reflection as these are self selected he will react differently from those he can’t control. 

    It seems to be me that is his biggest challenge. I just can’t quietly accept his behaviour. I always have to ‘have a go’ at him about it. 

    I know that in many ways I feel disappointed in the relationship and  this must come out in my carping and criticising. If I knew for sure he couldn’t help the things he does, I think I’d try harder to shut up. 

  • Thank you. I’m glad of your further response. 
    I haven’t written everything I want to as I wasn’t certain I was getting through. I can’t do it now for lack of time, but I will elucidate later. 
    I would like to know if it is autism because I would then try harder to understand instead of thinking he’s just being a twat! 

  • Please re-read my post, I haven't made any personal insults in relation to your husband and only used your own words when describing him. I explained that there are good and bad autistic individuals, in the same way, there are good and bad PNTs. 

    As I mentioned my husband is autistic (like I). My brother is autistic, my BIL, my father is and my husband's mum's OH is. In addition to this, I have spent ten years working with HE autistic students. I have met a lot of autistic men!

    The following is not specific to the autistic neurotype. Only the OH of my husband's mums has many of these traits and he's a very unpleasant man who does not have the self-confidence to accept and embrace his differences and he's nasty and abusive,

    • Challenging behaviour 
    • Anti-social
    • Temper tantrums
    • Childlike behaviour 
    • Equally unusual fixations. 

    In relation to the first four points, I've seen many men who are not autistic act like that. One example, would be a Saturday night in a deprived area, you'll often find PNT men demonstrating that behaviour, 

    In relation to whether your husband's interests would be classed as an autistic special interest, this depends on the level of intensity and passion he displays. For example, I am aware of an autistic lawyer whose special interest is her job. Her husband has to physically remove her from her office at times as otherwise, she'd be so engrossed in her work she'd forget to eat or sleep in an evening.

    From what you've written there isn't enough information to guess whether he may or may not be autistic.

    Why is it important for you to investigate why he is autistic or not? What difference do you think it would make if he was/or was not autistic?

  • He is far from being a twat. His is ultra kind, to the point that he gives ‘the shirt off his back’ type of behaviour. 
    I didn’t ask for insults for him. I just would like to chat about whether he might be autistic. 

  • We have stayed together because he supported me while I cared for/nursed/educated and generally brought up my severely disabled daughter. Not his child. He has loved only me and her in his life. I took the tantrums and temper (never physically violent) in exchange for unquestioning support for her, her needs and financial stability for us both.

    She died and he coped as best he could. He has tried in his way to help me grieve, it isn’t his fault he doesn’t understand. 
    I also love him. 

  • If he acts like a child, has a temper and throws tantrums etc, for me the big questions are:

    • Why do you think it's ok for a man to act like this towards you and when he is around you?
    • Why have you given your life to this man instead of one who treats you with greater love and respect?

    Who you have in your life and the behaviour you accept is your choice.

  • He presents to the world as a highly capable businessman, but at home he is often more childlike. He has tantrums and tempers. He has unusual aversions and equally unusual fixations. 

    Being autistic simply means our communication (and sometimes sensory needs) are different to the majority. My husband is autistic and he is nothing like your husband. He is a Director of an engineering dept and manages a large team of people. He is measured and thoughtful. If he is facing a stressful situation he does what is needed to manage his emotions in a grown up and healthily way, such as going for a run. Furthermore, if we face an issue we talk it through calmly and sensibly, plus we try and find a solution that works for us all.

    Autistics all have similar traits but this is true of  PNTs (non-autistics), for example, you tend to like small talk, crave social acceptance etc yet your personalities are all different and are affected by your socialisation, personal ethics etc. Within both communities, there are some kind and lovely folk but there are also some arseholes. Being autistic doesn't mean you can't also be a tw*t.

  • Hi AuroraC

    If we go on the premise that he's Asperger's, then there's a couple of things I can point out.

    We usually become aware we are different and a bully-target when we're at school - out intense hobbies and nerdiness stands out so we create a fake persona that allows us to survive the day - our mask.

    This mask has a load of set responses to the world which seems to fit most situations.     It's incredibly tiring to have to run 2 operating systems in parallel so we get tired easily.    It also means we don't have the processing power to analyse situations on the fly so things that make no sense to us get stored up through the day - all the stresses of unresolved social contacts or events are stored for later so by the end of the day, we're either totally overloaded or close to it.    It's why we try to avoid unnecessary social situations.

    Home is our 'safe space' where we can relax and unpack all of this internal conflict.

    Unfortunately, you are there too - so as we walk through the door, we're brain-fried and need time to unwind before we're 'in the room'.       During this period, we can be twitchy - like a grenade with the pin pulled out - we're at 99% stress so if you add any extra, you will get the full blast as we 'go off' which from your point of view will seem totally unreasonable - what you said was not deserving of all that blast.       It's just us venting in a safe space all the things we've had to hold in because of being unable to vent in the work environment.

    Bad things can be said in this time - and probably not meant - it's just the level of frustration needs to be dissipated in one go.

    It's why a lot of us like to play video games or do strange hobbies - it's a world we are in control of that doesn't cause stress - it's therapeutic to be able to push all the stress away in our little world.

    We often get bullied for liking things like Lego or making models so we hide things away from everyone.     Doesn't stop us liking it though.

    What things do you call fixations and aversions?