Published on 12, July, 2020
Just before I post at any length, could someone please let me know that I am writing this in the right place? I’d love to have contact with someone about my husband who I think is undiagnosed autistic. He may be Aspergic, I have no real idea. I just know that he has some behaviour which is extremely challenging for me and also quite antisocial at times. He presents to the world as a highly capable businessman, but at home he is often more childlike. He has tantrums and tempers. He has unusual aversions and equally unusual fixations. We’ve been together 35 years. I’m exhausted and frayed and he has no idea. He’s also fraught at times but that passes and he’s forgotten it. Id love to be in contact with anyone who has any understanding of such a situation
He presents to the world as a highly capable businessman, but at home he is often more childlike. He has tantrums and tempers. He has unusual aversions and equally unusual fixations.
Being autistic simply means our communication (and sometimes sensory needs) are different to the majority. My husband is autistic and he is nothing like your husband. He is a Director of an engineering dept and manages a large team of people. He is measured and thoughtful. If he is facing a stressful situation he does what is needed to manage his emotions in a grown up and healthily way, such as going for a run. Furthermore, if we face an issue we talk it through calmly and sensibly, plus we try and find a solution that works for us all.
Autistics all have similar traits but this is true of PNTs (non-autistics), for example, you tend to like small talk, crave social acceptance etc yet your personalities are all different and are affected by your socialisation, personal ethics etc. Within both communities, there are some kind and lovely folk but there are also some arseholes. Being autistic doesn't mean you can't also be a tw*t.
If he acts like a child, has a temper and throws tantrums etc, for me the big questions are:
Who you have in your life and the behaviour you accept is your choice.
We have stayed together because he supported me while I cared for/nursed/educated and generally brought up my severely disabled daughter. Not his child. He has loved only me and her in his life. I took the tantrums and temper (never physically violent) in exchange for unquestioning support for her, her needs and financial stability for us both.
She died and he coped as best he could. He has tried in his way to help me grieve, it isn’t his fault he doesn’t understand. I also love him.