Suicide struggles

Hi Lulu

there is not an easy answer and all services do a particular thing which may not help

is there anything that you can identify that could help?

i am a doctor, so know about drugs, but they may not be an answer

Hi thanks for replies. I'm ok I just need some alone time at the moment.

I think the world should have more people like us. Its a tough year for sure. I hope you keep doing well

and dont be afraid to hang up on samaritans if you do get a bad one. Ive called a few times and only had 2 dodgy ones. One I couldnt even say goodbye i just hung up! But mostly their good so don't let it put you off if you do

I've not heard of them, really useful thank you

I came on here because this is how I’m feeling. Thoughts of suicide used to be a sort of protection and comfort but this is different. I can’t stop seeing images of my dead body and like you said, I feel like I’ve got to do it soon. I keep thinking, what’s stopping me? Am I scared to do it? I don’t think so and I like the thought of it in one way, and have made a good plan so it’s not a member of my family who finds me. 

The way I explained it to my mum, is that if you had a dog and knew it was suffering and there was nothing else you could do to help them, you’d put it to sleep. 

I feel confused, wondering if I’ve ever been happy. I used to think I was, but what if it’s a lie and I was just faking it because I was so unhappy. 

But then I remember feeling sad at some people who killed themselves because I felt sure they could have been happy again. I know I don’t handle emotions well. I’m all or nothing and I know I’m feeling upset because I feel isolated and lonely and feel that nobody is really thinking about me. Well that’s not true, I know my mum is even though her life is really difficult right now and I know other people love me. The truth is, I just wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could make friends and have relationships like other people. I can make friends, in that I can be really interesting to talk to and I genuinely love and care for other people, so they pick up on that, but as soon as anybody tries to be friends with me, it’s like I can’t cope - I don’t know what to do and I feel like I hate them or want to push them away while wanting to be close to them. It’s hard to explain. 

But talking here has helped. Hearing your story has helped, it’s what I came here for. So I genuinely thank you from the bottom of my heart and I want to say, I wanted to come on the internet to find some kind of suicide group, where we could do it together! Weird thought, I know, but it brought me here instead and I’m glad it did because it’s given me hope. 

I think we can feel better, but maybe we have to start accepting that this is how we are, this is who we are and like everyone else’s somehow, some way we’ve got to make this work. I haven’t got any answers but I don’t want you do do anything to harm yourself. My ‘go to’ thing is to starve myself and exercise excessively and while I fight that desire, like you, it’s strong and I find it hard to ignore it. 

My plan is to complete the painting of my house, get organised and when I’m ready, get a puppy and try not to put any more pressure on me than that. For the first time in a while, I am starting to feel some hope. I also found this website which sounds really good although they’re not open for people staying there just now, but you can contact them. https://www.maytree.org.uk

I hope talking on here has been helpful to you. It has for me. I hear you and understand and I’m sure things will get better, for both of us but maybe we’ll always have times when we feel like this. I think I’m starting to accept that I’m not like most people and even though for most of my life, I have wanted to be like others, I have to accept that, that’s not possible and maybe it’s ok to be me. Even non autistic people get lonely and feel isolated at times. Anyway, thank you. Everything you’ve said, has helped me tremendously. 

Hi Lulu,

I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay. 

If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.

If it’s outside your GP hours call  111  to reach the NHS 111 service:   http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx 

The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful. 

If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.

If you need help with an autism related issue, our helpline can be emailed via webform https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/questions.aspx or they’re open Monday to Friday 10am-3pm (edited) on 0808 800 4104.

All the best,

ChloeMod

Hi Lulu,

I've found the text service SHOUT (85258) really helpful when the noise in my head gets so loud and convincing I need to reach out to a stranger to stop it. 

I've had bad anxiety and body dysmorphia (due to being sensitive to the sensation of clothing) since I was a child and sometimes it gets too much.  I don't want to worry close family, have no close friends, and hate phoning people so this works well for me when nothing else is working.

Maybe try it?  It's a 24hr service

Hi Lulu , 

When my mother passed i never understood her role and what she did for me , Then after 6 months or so i could see she was my support network and i fell apart with the thoughts of ending it all  , I was diagnosed with depression before the asd diagnosis and given tablets which can break the cycle but they are addictive , Gave them up by myself and started to keep fit , practice yoga ,learn guitar and go on walks early in the morning , Hobbies can be hit and miss but if you can find something you really enjoy go for it .

The pain you speak off is this being managed, as that can not be helping with the whole roller coaster  of emotions . 

Take time out for you , live in the now and if thoughts surface call the samaritans , I know that sounds like a repetitive phrase but they are in no way judgemental or biased and can give some useful advice where to get support local to you  .

If that feels to daunting then don't worry i felt the same , 

It will get better over time xx, I have hope you will too as it can take a lot of courage to come on a open website and post your feelings and emotions.

Losing my mum hit me like a ton of bricks.

I never appreciated having a mum until she was no longer fit to do anything. But, out of that grief, I ended up learning to do house chores myself.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, and it isn't a Gorilla in a Miner's Hat carrying a Baseball Bat.

I'm not sure if its the site or my Internet thats glitchy and slow. Im signing off but will check in tomorrow. I hope you get some rest, better days will come. Try reading or listening to podcasts. Theres so many podcasts to listen too. Call samaritans if your really down.

I hope we speak again soon

That must be awful to lose your mum, we're you close? Feel free to talk if you like. 

Do you have hobbies or anything to keep you preoccupied? 

I hate antidepressants but find diazepam helped every now and again when I needed it

Sorry I had connection problems.

I'm sorry you have been through this as well. It's horrible isn't it?

Lots of things upset me at the moment. My chronic pain and stress is upsetting and I lost my mum very recently which I feel might be the cause.

Are you there Lulu?

I would get thoughts constantly of jumping out of a window or hanging myself. I know now mine was the relationship I was in for years. Is there anything that you can pinpoint as to whats upsetting you?

Hi Lulu, I've been where you are. I have no family. A mother who if I told her I was suicidal would say 'oh really' and that would be all. My old GP again useless and 111. Please dont do anything, things will get better I promise