Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I'm Lulu. I'm 24 and struggling badly with suicide thoughts which I've had for so long it almost feels normal having them. But lately I'm thinking about it a lot more and feeling it more. It's a feeling like I want to do it soon and I'm feeling like I want to harm myself. I see windows and think of jumping out, I see knives and think of stabbing myself. I've also began thinking of planning to end everything. I'm not used to such severe and aggressive thoughts and feelings. I need some help but don't know who else to turn to... My mother is dead and my family don't understand or want me. My gp is no help either. I told her what was going on and she suggested pills but hasn't bothered to help me further. I feel like no one cares or wants to help me. I feel alone and like it's all going to be over for me soon.
Suicide is selfish and I don't want to be one of those people but I know my limitations and I know I'm nowhere near strong enough to deal with this myself but who can I turn to? I can't do this. Not alone. But no one around me cares or wants to help.
Please help me guys. I don't want it to end this way for me.
I came on here because this is how I’m feeling. Thoughts of suicide used to be a sort of protection and comfort but this is different. I can’t stop seeing images of my dead body and like you said, I feel like I’ve got to do it soon. I keep thinking, what’s stopping me? Am I scared to do it? I don’t think so and I like the thought of it in one way, and have made a good plan so it’s not a member of my family who finds me.
The way I explained it to my mum, is that if you had a dog and knew it was suffering and there was nothing else you could do to help them, you’d put it to sleep.
I feel confused, wondering if I’ve ever been happy. I used to think I was, but what if it’s a lie and I was just faking it because I was so unhappy.
But then I remember feeling sad at some people who killed themselves because I felt sure they could have been happy again. I know I don’t handle emotions well. I’m all or nothing and I know I’m feeling upset because I feel isolated and lonely and feel that nobody is really thinking about me. Well that’s not true, I know my mum is even though her life is really difficult right now and I know other people love me. The truth is, I just wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could make friends and have relationships like other people. I can make friends, in that I can be really interesting to talk to and I genuinely love and care for other people, so they pick up on that, but as soon as anybody tries to be friends with me, it’s like I can’t cope - I don’t know what to do and I feel like I hate them or want to push them away while wanting to be close to them. It’s hard to explain.
But talking here has helped. Hearing your story has helped, it’s what I came here for. So I genuinely thank you from the bottom of my heart and I want to say, I wanted to come on the internet to find some kind of suicide group, where we could do it together! Weird thought, I know, but it brought me here instead and I’m glad it did because it’s given me hope.
I think we can feel better, but maybe we have to start accepting that this is how we are, this is who we are and like everyone else’s somehow, some way we’ve got to make this work. I haven’t got any answers but I don’t want you do do anything to harm yourself. My ‘go to’ thing is to starve myself and exercise excessively and while I fight that desire, like you, it’s strong and I find it hard to ignore it.
My plan is to complete the painting of my house, get organised and when I’m ready, get a puppy and try not to put any more pressure on me than that. For the first time in a while, I am starting to feel some hope. I also found this website which sounds really good although they’re not open for people staying there just now, but you can contact them. https://www.maytree.org.uk
I hope talking on here has been helpful to you. It has for me. I hear you and understand and I’m sure things will get better, for both of us but maybe we’ll always have times when we feel like this. I think I’m starting to accept that I’m not like most people and even though for most of my life, I have wanted to be like others, I have to accept that, that’s not possible and maybe it’s ok to be me. Even non autistic people get lonely and feel isolated at times. Anyway, thank you. Everything you’ve said, has helped me tremendously.
I think the world should have more people like us. Its a tough year for sure. I hope you keep doing well