Sudden and unexplained loss of church support that had been consistent for the past two years. How to cope?

Sorry I didn't reply earlier, I haven;t been online much recently. I wish I could do or say something more to help, but thank you for your kind reply, and I will continue to pray for you. Best wishes.

It all seems really unfair. If it helps in some small way, you have a community here, and we're all willing to listen.

Please hang in there and take care of yourself.

In one sense they are hiding behind Covid measures but in other more painful sense they're rubbing my exclusion in my face under Covid, intentionally or not. It just hurts so badly when they make frequent references to their Whatsapp group in their live-streams, or change the timing at the last minute because of course every church member would know from the Whatsapp group - everyone but me because I'm not allowed in it. When I asked a friend to add me, the Diocese Safeguarding staff (it's really just one member of staff doing all this to me actually) emailed to say I'm not allowed in it, just because my priest is there. And it's a huge group, for the love of God, and the only means of church fellowship under Covid. It's almost like they really are trying to push me off the cliff.

Thanks, I'll try to send a message. I tried to call several times last month until the line was taken down but couldn't get through; I can see it's back up now.

No need to apologise - I often take a few days away from the forum.

It seems like St George's are hiding behind Covid-19 - there's nothing to stop telephone or online conversations while the restrictions are in place. It's so disappointing to hear that you're not getting the support you're looking for.

The other thing that might be worth a try is the National Autistic Society helpline (I'm not sure if they have staff on the phones, but they might be able to speak with you online). I'm wondering if they could provide any advice on your situation.

You may like to contact our Autism Helpline team who can provide you with information and advice. You can contact the team via telephone on 0808 800 4104 (10am – 3pm, Monday to Friday ). Please note that the Helpline is experiencing a high volume of calls and it may take a couple of attempts before you get through to speak to an adviser. Alternatively, should you prefer to send a message, you can do so via their webform:

https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/form.aspx

Well true. To be honest I've been lately quite tired of calling Samaritans because it takes so much out of me to explain the whole situation. I always prefer talking to people who already know a great deal about my life i.e. people at church but that's taken away now. Honestly it's like in a book I finished recently, when the main character, a perpetual loner, says, "I think hope is the worst thing in the world. I really do. It makes a fool of you while it lasts. And then when it's gone, it's like there's nothing left of you at all." It's Marilynne Robinson's Home by the way. Highly recommended for autistic people.

I've had a bad samaritans man before. This was last year and you could hear that he was working from home. Some people shouldnt get to be samaritans to  be honest. I hung up in him as he was a ....... lol.  I wouldnt worry about that one call too much.

Thanks I didn't know these 'housegroups' existed. Where can I find one? I can't say I'm not afraid of more rejection...

There are a great many church denominations within Christianity, but what may really benefit you is an unofficial housegroup which is not associated to any denominational connections because they are generally a small group of Christians who are usually more sensitive to each others needs. 

As I have personally experienced, many outcasts from various denominations have ended up in these groups and recieved excellent pastoral care, as the care comes from all members in the group who are able to help and not just one. 

And think it is not a "Church?" Didn't Jesus said "Where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst?" So if Jesus is there, who else do you need? 

Thanks and sorry to hear you've been poorly. What you say is true but I still miss it... Samaritans is running on a reduced service as volunteers are made to volunteer from home and they don't really have that infrastructure. I called one up the other day and he was quite impatient. He did suggest I write to the Diocese again in a few months but I really can't cope now, especially knowing that everyone else in St George's is supported, even those who don't need that support as much. NAS also doesn't run a telephone line anymore. I have other interests like chess but St George's is something that has occupied so much of my executive function for so much of my life I really don't know how to deal with it all being taken away suddenly and, unlike the Covid situation, not knowing if I can ever get it all back again. Sigh...

Dont give up! Sorry I've not been around I've been poorly as you know but better today than I was yesterday.

Firstly, churches ....their mainly run by neurotypicals. The nt world is confusing to most

I've met reverend who think you cant join the church as you weren't born in the area. Reverend who just want to know people with money.

Rarely you may find a rev who is in it for helping people as well as religion. Sadly that's how it is. 

It seems to be a popularity contest and I'm no good at those as I'm too honest, people dont want honesty. They want to lie and pretend everything is fine most of the time  

Try and get another interest. The church is your special interest and tbh it's not a healthy one as its causing you distress! 

Call samaritans if you need it or an autism helpline. Dont let this pull you down 

Thanks so much for checking in! Sorry I haven't been notified of the responses lately - not sure why as the site says my notifications are still on. I've popped in some replies... unfortunately things are getting unbearable for me. I thought I could hold out until Covid measures are lifted and hope for a review of the measures, especially with OrinocoFlo's useful paper in hand. But every day it just gets more painfully obvious how everyone else at St George's is being supported and I'm not. And how inexplicable and preventable all this was, if only there were more understanding and carefulness.  I'm not even allowed into the church's Whatsapp group just because my priest is in there, as if my sense of belonging to the church was all about him.

Thanks so much for your reply. It's good there are churches out there who don't push people away for their depression and anxiety. I used to trust St George's to be that church for me and for two years it was. I really hope they will review the restrictions they made but they said not at least while the Covid restrictions remain. I just can't cope. Happy for you though. Hope your diagnosis comes in in time for your needs.

Thanks so much for responding and sorry I didn't see this - I don't know why I haven't been notified lately. First, I received my autism diagnosis after my exclusion (although my priest knew it was on the way, as he participated in my assessment) but the circumstances of my exclusion explained to me at meetings with Southwark Diocese Safeguarding were apparently a culmination of a pattern of behaviour they saw as anti-social, boundary-breaking and took as signs that church and my priest weren't good for me, a dreadfully wrong interpretation of my autism that I knew too late. I had perhaps some inkling that my priest had some trouble trying to help me, but my GP had gotten in touch with him a while back, with his agreement, and offered to help; I never knew that was how he saw me, much less that he had gone to the Safeguarding and archdeacon about it (who then agreed with him)! There was no warning at all - just an abrupt letter then an offer of two meetings when I tweeted the letter. In the last meeting, I obviously tried to clear the misunderstandings and tried to explain that church was indeed very helpful for me - just because I frequently seemed unhappy and anti-social (as autistic people do) doesn't mean I was - but they wouldn't listen and kept talking over my friend and me. At the point of the final meeting with the Diocese they did know about my autism.

On the point of informing +Christopher, I have sadly exhausted that avenue. I even sent him my recording of the second meeting with the Diocese in which my friend and I were constantly talked over and tried to clear the misunderstandings that have led to this but it was clear they'd made up their minds at the beginning and were only interested in reading out the 'measures' (exclusion from pastoral care) to me that they'd already typed. The Bishop only replied through his chaplain, rather quickly, that he believed in 'the good will and skill of the Safeguarding team'.

I have thought slightly about writing to the Archbishop but I'm not sure what that will do, especially as everyone is preoccupied with Covid right now, although it's precisely Covid that's making my exclusion unbearable. I don't want it to go more wrong and instead of being unwelcome in one archdeaconry, I'm unwelcome in the whole country. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be as much accountability in the C of E as in the RC church in London, as the former is much bigger and has much more non-clerical bureaucracy. I've sent an email to Southwark Safeguarding pleading for a review but was only told that it's 'not appropriate' for them to 'provide a timescale' for that, although it did sound to me slightly hopeful that there might be one, however slight the chance, and the writer of the reply did sound slightly more understanding in the email than in person at the meeting, but I'm not sure if that means anything. It could be my autistic brain picking up on small nuances that don't mean a thing to NTs, apparently part of the problem leading to my exclusion from church, as the archdeacon had seemed to me in person to suggest I was being 'clever' about it all and not being truthful (I met her at a Sunday service after the first meeting with Safeguarding only to find out she was there just to escort me out), which was why I recorded the second meeting in full.

When I was in hospital, an inpatient who asked me why I was there said I should contact her husband, who turned out to be a retired clergy who was influential in Southwark Diocese. She swore he'd be able to help me but even he couldn't - he sent some queries to various people and they were all left unanswered. It seems like all the people accountable have made themselves inaccessible or unresponsive, by default my priest, then the archdeacon (inaccessible because she seemed to me to have formed a character judgement of me), the Safeguarding team, the Bishop, then my uni chaplain who says he won't chase the matter further as he's busy. I feel so alone in this and I'm so ready to give up. :( I've been crying every day and honestly can't stand it anymore. If my exclusion were more explicable, it'd be easier to sort out or to just accept but because it's so inexplicable, so exclusively applied to me, so sudden and so preventable if only I'd gotten my diagnosis earlier, if only I knew their interpretations of my behaviour were way off, if only they'd consulted my GP or me first, staying alive has become so hard. I just can't square it all in my brain with the promises made by my priest in speech and in writing to me and to my uni how willing and glad he was to support me and to continue supporting me, and with the fact that he now supports everyone in the parish but me, so painfully obvious under Covid restrictions when the church is sustained by pastoral support, since church attendance is not possible. They've even left me out of the St George's Whatsapp group. When my friend asked to add me into it so I could keep some semblance of fellowship, I got an email from the Safeguarding team saying I can't because it means being in contact with my priest, even though I made it clear that I was open to not being allowed to reply or address him in the group, or even to say anything.

Sorry I've written so much. I'm just so sick of life I want to give up now.

Sorry I missed all these replies and thank you for them. First, that priest at St Luke's does know me as he was the previous curate at St George's, and he arguably knew me better than my priest who abandoned me. Second, this is the Church of England - that's why it's so hard to find accountability for what's happened. My chaplain at uni has just told me he's not going to look into it further as he doesn't have time. In the meantime I don't know to whom to go about this anymore and I'm really, really struggling to cope right now. I thought I'd be all right until at least Covid measures are lifted but it's precisely because of Covid that makes me need my church and priest more. The fact that he's supporting everyone at St George's but me is just too much... And I can't understand why as he was kind to me. It's so inexplicable. I can only guess and hope it's just group-think gone very wrong - the safeguarding team, him and the archdeacon consulting together about my 'best interests' (in their words) without consulting me, who'd know at least a bit more than them about my 'best interests'. I've thought about joining another denomination, but on reflection have decided they're just not right and that the priest at St Luke's might be right about trying to clear misunderstandings with St George's so I can remain and be supported again. I wrote to the Diocese again with the wonderful paper that OrincoFlo had mentioned, asking for a review to clear misunderstandings. They only replied that my current exclusion would remain in place 'at least while the government restrictions (on Covid) remain in place', which to me implies that they might review it after the restrictions are lifted. But this is only a chance and I don't know how big or small it is and I'm starting to think it's really not worth living for a potential disappointment. It's hard as it is now...

I certainly feel the truth of what mouse2 said about churches that say they're inclusive rarely being so, especially in the long-term. Yikes about the priest you met who made it clear you weren't welcome. I'm glad she's left! Maybe there's some justice in the world.

Sad but true!

Just checking in. How are you today? If you ever need to talk like you did with church just pop a thread up on here. All the best

I just think their people too. People say their inclusive but rarely are lol

I've just learnt from trusting people too much. I now am very cynical sadly.