Sudden and unexplained loss of church support that had been consistent for the past two years. How to cope?

Hi all, I've recently been diagnosed with autism, which has helped make sense of much of my life.

However, the rector of my C of E parish church of 2 years, St George the Martyr Southwark, has recently conveyed at the start of March through the Diocese Safeguarding that he is no longer willing to support me in any way, in conversation, in prayer, in blessing (this was about 2 weeks before Covid measures here and has nothing to do with Covid). This led me to attempt to kill myself because I just couldn't cope.

This came as a complete shock to me as immediately up to that point of complete withdrawal, he'd consistently supported me for two years in weekly pastoral meetings, in being available for conversation, prayer and blessing after services and even phone-calls when I'm overwhelmed (as he still does for others). I've since learnt from a meeting with the Diocese that he'd been in constant 'confidential' meetings with the Diocese about being no longer 'able' to support me, despite my needs being non-confrontational and non-violent, even as he reassured me of his commitment to "walk with you always" and "I just wanted to repeat my willingness to support you", in speech and in writing as recently as late February. Now that I'm not allowed to contact him in any form, I'm not just unable to learn why he's done this to me but have been utterly depressed about being excluded from the same level of pastoral and spiritual care he still gives others, not just those with physical health needs but even ordinary people. The worst part is that because of Covid, he is now offering church members remote pastoral support by phone. Because I'm still on their mailing list (because by church law I'm still on their electoral roll), I got the email detailing this new measure of support by phone. However, when I tried to clarify this, I got an email from the Diocese expressly stating that this measure still excludes me, and that this offer of pastoral support is given freely to everyone else who have been worshipping at St George's with the specific exception of me. (Anyway, I later found out through someone who took me out for lunch after this happened and helped me process things a bit that this priest is just someone that I should never have trusted. I didn't know this because I never got involved with church management but apparently he's known to those involved in the church's management for constantly changing his ideas and behaviour, breaking promises and saying different things to different people, someone I should never have called a priest. But what's done is done.)

After learning about my autism diagnosis while in hospital from my suicide attempt, I've since tried to look up how to cope with a change as sudden and devastating as this (sudden, complete and inexplicable withdrawal of two years of consistent, reliable trust and support!). I read that I should find a 'new normal' as soon as possible but with Covid this is impossible as I can't get to know a new church and clergy because churches are closed.

Can anyone help me? It's so painful being surrounded by memorabilia (photos, confirmation cards, books) of my time at St George's, particularly that priest's support, knowing all that's come to an abrupt and inexplicable end but at the same time removing them would only make it worse by their noticeable absence. I'd appreciate any tips you can give. Every day I'm just fighting for the will to live. I really can't deal with something so abrupt and inexplicable as this. If it helps with your advice and tips, I have a further, older diagnosis of EUPD (the new term for BPD).

Parents
  • Have you contacted your priests' boss?  By that I mean the bishop for Southwark.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Chessun

    Might be worth sending him a letter asking why you have been excluded after receiving a autism diagnosis.  If that doesnt achieve anything I would go straight to sending a letter to the Archbishop of Canterbury, maybe cc the letter to the Bishop of Southwark, and the Priest that shunned you.  Then see what happens.  if you cant get anything out of it, try a different church in a different area and tell them nothing about the current situation.  Basically move on.  You may never get the same level of support from them, but I'll bet there are churches out there that would welcome you with open arms.

    FTR I am Catholic and not Anglican.  So take this advice with a pinch of salt.  I know how to navigate the Cathloic church, but dont have as much experience doing the same within the Anglican church.

Reply
  • Have you contacted your priests' boss?  By that I mean the bishop for Southwark.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Chessun

    Might be worth sending him a letter asking why you have been excluded after receiving a autism diagnosis.  If that doesnt achieve anything I would go straight to sending a letter to the Archbishop of Canterbury, maybe cc the letter to the Bishop of Southwark, and the Priest that shunned you.  Then see what happens.  if you cant get anything out of it, try a different church in a different area and tell them nothing about the current situation.  Basically move on.  You may never get the same level of support from them, but I'll bet there are churches out there that would welcome you with open arms.

    FTR I am Catholic and not Anglican.  So take this advice with a pinch of salt.  I know how to navigate the Cathloic church, but dont have as much experience doing the same within the Anglican church.

Children
  • Thanks so much for responding and sorry I didn't see this - I don't know why I haven't been notified lately. First, I received my autism diagnosis after my exclusion (although my priest knew it was on the way, as he participated in my assessment) but the circumstances of my exclusion explained to me at meetings with Southwark Diocese Safeguarding were apparently a culmination of a pattern of behaviour they saw as anti-social, boundary-breaking and took as signs that church and my priest weren't good for me, a dreadfully wrong interpretation of my autism that I knew too late. I had perhaps some inkling that my priest had some trouble trying to help me, but my GP had gotten in touch with him a while back, with his agreement, and offered to help; I never knew that was how he saw me, much less that he had gone to the Safeguarding and archdeacon about it (who then agreed with him)! There was no warning at all - just an abrupt letter then an offer of two meetings when I tweeted the letter. In the last meeting, I obviously tried to clear the misunderstandings and tried to explain that church was indeed very helpful for me - just because I frequently seemed unhappy and anti-social (as autistic people do) doesn't mean I was - but they wouldn't listen and kept talking over my friend and me. At the point of the final meeting with the Diocese they did know about my autism.

    On the point of informing +Christopher, I have sadly exhausted that avenue. I even sent him my recording of the second meeting with the Diocese in which my friend and I were constantly talked over and tried to clear the misunderstandings that have led to this but it was clear they'd made up their minds at the beginning and were only interested in reading out the 'measures' (exclusion from pastoral care) to me that they'd already typed. The Bishop only replied through his chaplain, rather quickly, that he believed in 'the good will and skill of the Safeguarding team'.

    I have thought slightly about writing to the Archbishop but I'm not sure what that will do, especially as everyone is preoccupied with Covid right now, although it's precisely Covid that's making my exclusion unbearable. I don't want it to go more wrong and instead of being unwelcome in one archdeaconry, I'm unwelcome in the whole country. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be as much accountability in the C of E as in the RC church in London, as the former is much bigger and has much more non-clerical bureaucracy. I've sent an email to Southwark Safeguarding pleading for a review but was only told that it's 'not appropriate' for them to 'provide a timescale' for that, although it did sound to me slightly hopeful that there might be one, however slight the chance, and the writer of the reply did sound slightly more understanding in the email than in person at the meeting, but I'm not sure if that means anything. It could be my autistic brain picking up on small nuances that don't mean a thing to NTs, apparently part of the problem leading to my exclusion from church, as the archdeacon had seemed to me in person to suggest I was being 'clever' about it all and not being truthful (I met her at a Sunday service after the first meeting with Safeguarding only to find out she was there just to escort me out), which was why I recorded the second meeting in full.

    When I was in hospital, an inpatient who asked me why I was there said I should contact her husband, who turned out to be a retired clergy who was influential in Southwark Diocese. She swore he'd be able to help me but even he couldn't - he sent some queries to various people and they were all left unanswered. It seems like all the people accountable have made themselves inaccessible or unresponsive, by default my priest, then the archdeacon (inaccessible because she seemed to me to have formed a character judgement of me), the Safeguarding team, the Bishop, then my uni chaplain who says he won't chase the matter further as he's busy. I feel so alone in this and I'm so ready to give up. :( I've been crying every day and honestly can't stand it anymore. If my exclusion were more explicable, it'd be easier to sort out or to just accept but because it's so inexplicable, so exclusively applied to me, so sudden and so preventable if only I'd gotten my diagnosis earlier, if only I knew their interpretations of my behaviour were way off, if only they'd consulted my GP or me first, staying alive has become so hard. I just can't square it all in my brain with the promises made by my priest in speech and in writing to me and to my uni how willing and glad he was to support me and to continue supporting me, and with the fact that he now supports everyone in the parish but me, so painfully obvious under Covid restrictions when the church is sustained by pastoral support, since church attendance is not possible. They've even left me out of the St George's Whatsapp group. When my friend asked to add me into it so I could keep some semblance of fellowship, I got an email from the Safeguarding team saying I can't because it means being in contact with my priest, even though I made it clear that I was open to not being allowed to reply or address him in the group, or even to say anything.

    Sorry I've written so much. I'm just so sick of life I want to give up now.

  • I’m so sorry you’re experiencing that. In my congregation we are having our meetings by Zoom so we can all still worship ‘together’. It is really nice. I am also getting a personal encouragement meeting on Monday from the elders to help with some anxiety and depression that’s been overwhelming lately. I believe that will be FaceTime or something like that. I really appreciate their efforts to continue support when unable to meet in person. I suggest going to JW.org for you. There are many great articles on mental health and coping with anxiety as well as biblical explanations for the kinds if things we see happening in the world around us these days. 

    Ive found them very encouraging and calming. You can also fill in a contact form online if you want someone to talk to more about anything. You are welcome to contact me as well, if you want. I’m not diagnosed yet. This isolation is putting off my assessment, but I get what it’s like to be an autistic religious person so there’s a connection there. Slight smile